Celebrities. America’s royalty. My ass. I don’t know what it is and I certainly don’t understand it, but people love their celebrities. In fact, I’d say that it is more than love, but obsession for more than a few. And why? Sure they entertain us and all, but the way people seem to worship them, you’d think their crap smells like fresh cinnamon buns. So why do so many people care what Joe Celebrity does? Oooh they’re super rich, and they’re on TV! Wow-wee! Below is just a sample of the reasons I have so much contempt for celebrities. Its funny because I wanted to list just a few things, yet I managed to come up with 12 items right off the bat. Who knows what I would have come up with in a half hour. Perhaps enough for another article!

Hangers On Industry

The entertainment industry is a multi-Billion dollar a year industry. And I would guess that the Entertainment News industry, or as I call it, the hangers-on, would be just as large. And why? Well, we have to find out what our favorite celebrities. Flip through the channels sometime. Not only do you have Entertainment Tonight and a crapload of similar shows, we even have a whole channel dedicated to “E” News. Mind you, it goes well beyond just keeping up with everyone’s new projects. We get to find out where Ashton Kutcher ate last night. Wow, he ate at McDonalds? I eat at McDonalds, oh isn’t life wonderful. And watch out if there’s some sort of controversy. Take the latest hubbub with Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie. That’s all they have been talking about for months. Who cares? So they broke up, so they’re dating, this person did that, etc, etc. How is that relevant? And how is that entertaining? And let’s not forget all of the magazines and tabloids and such. Mary Kate Olsen has an eating disorder. Jessica Simpson is leaving her husband. Kirstie Allen is fat. I shudder to think how much money this drivel makes. So basically there is a billion dollar industry based around watching celebrities. No wonder they have such huge egos, after all, millions of people watch their every move. And then there’s the paparazzi. I saw this one show where a guy got a few pics of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston eating dinner. He sold the pics for $10,000! That’s insane. Wow, they eat dinner? I eat dinner. Then you get these hypocrite celebrities that are so tired of being hounded. They then get their own reality show that documents their every move. But I thought you didn’t want to be hounded? Oh right, you’ll do anything to make money and stay in the spotlight. The worst part is this filler is starting to make its way into legitimate news programs. I know you have to find filler for slow news days, but geez!

Hurricane Katrina Coverage

Easily the worst natural to hit the US in memory, possibly history. Just about every news station was covering the aftermath of the disaster. Not to be outdone, Entertainment Tonight was also covering a few stories from Katrina. For example, they reported on one of Britney Spears’ parents houses being spared the destruction of Katrina. I breathed a sigh of relief. Cause they certainly couldn’t afford to rebuild even if it was destroyed. That’s certainly more important than the millions of people that lost their homes and possessions and don’t have an overrated pop star for a daughter. And then they reported on Fats Domino being removed from his home. Cause he’s way more important than all of the other people affected by the storm. After all, he’s a celebrity.

Ebay Merchandise

Ebay will always hold a special place in my heart, as I have bought tons of great items, and made lots of money from it. It can provide a person with just about everything, so it should come as no surprise that there’s lots of celebrity merchandise as well. However, as with most obsessions, it goes beyond just an autograph or photograph. I have personally seen auctions that offer Britney Spears’ chewed gum or leftovers from Justin Timberlake’s breakfast. First off, that’s sick. Why would you buy somebody’s garbage. What are you planning to do with it? It be spoiled by the time it reaches you, so you can’t eat it, again why you would, I don’t know. Its not something that you can really put out on display, as its going to stink at some point. Plus anybody you show it to is going to think you’re nuts. The French Toast ended up going for about $200 USD. Good money that could have been spent elsewhere. And where does it end. Hair? Band-Aids? Semen?

Most Beautiful People

Every so often, TV shows or magazines make some most beautiful people list. And what a coincidence it is that the folks on the list happen to be celebrities that are currently popular. First off, just because Miss Popular Celebrity 2001 isn’t on TV, she’s no longer hot? And even more important, who says that somebody down the road isn’t as attractive as Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie. Frankly, I could name a couple ladies that are ten times as hot as Aniston or Jolie. I wonder why they didn’t make the list? Oh right, only celebrities are attractive.

Award Shows

Just how many different awards shows are there anyway? We’ve got Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys, Emmys, Daytime Emmys, Tonys, MTV Video Awards, MTV Movie Awards, Teen Choice Awards, People’s Choice Awards, and probably another fifty others. Just an excuse to pat each other on the back and remind all of us how important they are. And let’s not forget what they wear. I must be missing something, because I just can’t figure out how its relevant. It’s a dress. They won a trophy because their movie was good. Yeah, I’d love to watch that. At 3 hours a pop, I’d be a sucker not too. After all, I need something to talk about the next day.

Freebies

Before the recent MTV Video Awards, some show had a feature on all the goodies that celebrity guests were getting for attending the show. I’m not talking Subclub stamps or bowling coupons here, but really expensive gifts. The average gift pack was valued at $3000! Yeah, cause they’re so hard up that they can’t afford that stuff. Forget about the people that $3000 represents a few months’ salary, the celebrities clearly need it more. Plus there’s the fact that people will basically bend over backwards to accommodate celebrities. Free stuff up the wazoo! And why? Well, she’s from the OC! She’s important! Right!

Million Dollar Contracts

I think they have to reach a point where they have too much money. Some of these people are making over twenty million dollars a movie. What are you going to do with this cheque? Throw it in the pile I guess. Call me crazy, but I just can’t see how they need that much money. That sort of bread could set a family for life or feed a small nation. Yet these folks would rather appear on telethons to get us to donate our meager salaries to feed the poor. How about you sell you Autumn mansion and do it yourself. I’m sure Bruce Willis could take a couple of cheques and feed Africa. Maybe some of the other “A-Listers” could help out. Maybe make a difference in starving people’s lives. Or they could just open another restaurant or buy another car. Somehow I think I know what they’ll choose.

Paris Hilton

Speaking of useless rich people, Paris Hilton gets her own section. How is it she is a celebrity? Well, she’s rich! So? There’s lots of rich kids out there spending Daddy’s money. Well, she’s attractive, apparently. Frankly, she looks pretty damn creepy to me. I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse. Oh, she has a sex tape. Yeah, so do a lot of people. They’re called pornstars, or wannabe pornstars. And she was her own TV show. Right because the “hilarious” antics of dumb rich girls are entertaining. So why does she have literally millions of people creaming themselves in anticipation of what she’ll do next? Besides, like we need another mindless bimbo for young girls to aspire to be like. If somebody could come up with a rational reason as to why she deserves “celebrity” status, I’d like to hear it.

Pseudo Celebs

And while we’re talking about pseudo celebrities, here’s a question, just how many celebrities are there now? It seems that anyone that stands out on Reality TV becomes a celebrity and shows up on other reality shows. Like Johnny Fairplay, Rob and Amber, or that whore, Omarosa really need more than fifteen minutes of fame. Usually these “F” level stars show up on all kinds of Entertainment News shows or flavour of the week crap like Celebrity Poker. I remember a few years ago there was a Survivor Spinoff called “I’m a celebrity, get me off this island” or something stupid like that. Of the entire cast, I think I knew who maybe three people where. But rest assured, they were celebrities, heck, they’d be the first to tell you.

The Governator

So suddenly people are realizing that Arnold Schwarzenegger may have not been the best choice for Governor of California. Wow, what a surprise. Who would have thought that an action movie star with no prior political experience wouldn’t have done as good a job as others? Say what you will about Jesse Ventura. At least he had experience serving on several municipal boards. And while his tenure may not be remembered for much, at least it got people talking about Minnesota.

Scientology

I’m sure there’s a good reason why people don’t consider Scientology a cult. And I’ll bet it has nothing to do with Tom Cruise and John Travolta. No really, I’m sure its true. It doesn’t matter that they have celebrity members, I’m sure that if the group was comprised of Arkansas Hillbillies, it would be just as respected and recognized for its variety of well thought out theories.

Above The Law?

Are celebrities above the law? No they are just lucky enough to be able to afford the best attorney teams in all of the United States. Just ask OJ Simpson. Just how many times has Courtney Love lost custody of her daughter? Or what about R. Kelly and that whole Pedophile thing that you never hear about. Even when a star is found guilty, and the only major case I can think of is Martha Stewart, there’s no major damage done. They basically gave her a vacation away from her Empire and before her ankle bracelet was removed, she already had three TV shows ready to go. Yeah, crime doesn’t pay. There used to be a time when stars convicted of anything where blacklisted for years. Now it serves as a badge of honor, helping to solidify a reputation, and sell more records. Just look at the recording industry.

Remember MC Hammer?

Remember in 1990 when New Kids On The Block were gods? Nowadays people wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire. Or Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer. I’m really not sure why this is, but as much as people love their celebrities, they also love to see them fail. Today you’re the greatest guy in the world, tomorrow, you’re just another jerk that works at a box factory. And its not just that they no longer care about you, they regret, even deny ever liking you. And why? Because you aren’t cool anymore. Says who? The Hangers On, that’s who. It’s actually very helpful that they make the decisions for you. After all, we wouldn’t want independent thoughts, now would we? And just like that, we’ve come full circle. Its very sad that people can’t come up with their own opinions. Thankfully, we have the hangers on industry to help us. Personally, I do crazy stuff. Stuff like developing my own opinions about what I like. Stuff like not being influenced by advertisers going after my demographic. Sure I listen to INXS, but it has nothing to do with their new TV show. Hell, I’ve never even watched it.

After all this, I still don’t understand why people worship celebrities so much. Take me and wrestling for example. I’m a big fan of Hulk Hogan, but I really don’t care about his personal life. Its his. That’s why I wasn’t interested in his reality show, and wouldn’t be interested in gossip about where he ate last night. I do like seeing him on Raw, and watching his old matches, but I certainly don’t obsess over his very life. He’s just a wrestler.

That dude on TV, he’s just an actor, or singer or whatever. But somehow, they are viewed as so much more. Now if they could cure disease or create a low fat snack that doesn’t let you down in the flavor department, maybe I’d care. But until then I can only step back and watch the flies circle the feces. That’s a metaphor. I’m not actually looking at feces. That’d be gross.