I have serious doubts about the sanity of Kool-Aid Man right now. Serious doubts.

For years now, Kool-Aid Man has delighted people young and old with his delicious fruit drinks, and his ability to smash through walls without spilling a drop of Kool-Aid. He introduced us to a host of friends like Sharkleberry Fin, Purplesaurus Rex, Rock A Dile Red, and the Great Bluedini. He kept us safe at night from the diabolical schemes of nefarious scoundrels like Scorch and the Thirsties. But best of all, he gave us FREE stuff from his Wacky Warehouse.

Kool-Aid drinkers would be rewarded for their good taste with a variety of goods from the Big Jug himself. There was always a variety of Kool-Aid related merchandise like Jugs, Mugs, T-Shirts, Hats, Watches, and the elusive Wacky Roadster. The idea was simple, clip Kool-Aid points from packages of Kool-Aid, and mail them in for free stuff. Mind you the best items required an ungodly amount of points, but most kids would gladly drink gallon after gallon of Kool-Aid, just to get Official Sharkleberry Fin boxer shorts. Like they needed an excuse to drink Kool-Aid anyway. As the years went on, Kool-Aid Man upped the ante by offering brand name toys like Hot Wheels, Barbie clothes, and Nintendo Game Boy games. I was fortunate to get a Kool-Aid Jug of my own in 1995.

This brings us to last year, and the Wacky Warehouse’s Spiderman promotion. Among the Spiderman related goods were CD-ROMs, Lunchboxes, and best of all, a Giant Spiderman Alarm clock. The only problem was that I needed 1600 points to get it. The race was on, but luckily I would not have to purchase 1600 packs of delicious Kool-Aid, as they were giving away 4, count them, FOUR points per package of the Spiderman Raspberry Reaction flavor. AND if I bought the larger jugs that included the sugar, I would get 25 points. Tons of empty Kool-Aid packages later, I failed. After all my clipping, I was left with only 448 points. No Spidey Alarm Clock. Oh well, there’s always next year.

There I am buying groceries, when I come across the Kool-Aid aisle. There are all my favorites, Tropical Punch, Grape, Lemon-Lime and Solar Strawberry Starfruit, but what’s this? Kool-Aid Invisible? Watermelon Kiwi? Well lets take a look, after all, Kool-Aid Man will often give us extra points just for trying his new flavors. Oooh, maybe I’ll get 4 points like last year. I turn the package over, and am shocked to say the least. Hmmm, that really doesn’t describe it well. Let’s just say that I now know how Frank Grimes feels. Minus the death.

Anyway, instead of giving 1, 2 or even 4 points, Kool-Aid Man will give you 100 points for buying one tiny package of Kool-Aid Invisible. This is insane! I had to check out the Kool-Aid website to find out what happened. I left my cart, full of Liver and Alpha Bits, in the grocery store, and sped well over the speed limit to my home. As I was doing so, possible explanations ran through my head like, maybe this stuff really sucks, and they are just trying to curb the stuff. Or they have grossly upped the prices in the Wacky Warehouse, as according to the new point giveaway. Or Kool-Aid Man finally flipped his lid. After all, why would he inflate the point value, leading to devaluation of the whole point currency ratio? This was just like the German Mark after WWI. This was big!

I logged onto the bekool website, and found this year’s batch of Wacky Warehouse goods. I found the usual suspects, various awesome Kool-Aid related materials, but something was all off. The point values had not gone up at all. It was like they didn’t know about the Kool-Aid Invisible. As a result, I went right back to the grocery store, and picked up 30 packs of the new Kool-Aid. That’s right, 3000 points!

However, there was one issue left to be resolved, how does it taste? The strange thing is that it looks no different from water. In a page right out of Crystal Pepsi, Kool-Aid Invisible cannot be detected by the naked eye. This could actually be a lot of fun, screwing with party guests who ask for water or Kool-Aid! Bwahahaha! The taste itself is actually pretty good, which blows one of my theories right out of the water. Not that it really matters, cause I’m stuck with 30 packs in a jar anyway.

Which brings me to Kool-Aid Man himself. Why would he take a proven system like the one used in the Wacky Warehouse, and basically lower his prices? I know why, he’s not insane, he just LOVES each and every one of us! After writing this article, it is clear and apparent to me that Kool-Aid Man is not insane; he’s just a dreamer that set the bar a little too high. I believe that this bold move will rejuvenate the Wacky Warehouse for years to come. Thank you Kool-Aid Man, and Godbless!

On a side note, I’ve clipped all of my points and am ready to send away for a whole batch of Kool-Aid goods. Keep checking the Kingdom for further updates on this year’s Kool-Aid Wacky Warehouse Giveaway.

Man, this article has made me thirsty for Kool-Aid!