Evangeline Middle School. The younger couldn’t wait to get there. The older couldn’t wait to get out of there. Either way, EMS was not like other schools. There was a certain something about this new school that couldn’t be found anywhere else. A daily fitness program. Prizes given away each week. Mandatory positive attitudes. Exploratories. For those that are unaware, every Wednesday afternoon, students were free from classes. Instead of regular classes, we would “explore” new classes that we had signed up for earlier. It was very similar to that episode of the Simpsons where Bart had to take Ballet. I guess it was up to us to learn something from this. Mind you, it was hard to learn much in exploratories like board games and magic cards, but hey, we didn’t have to go to class.

Anyhoo, every few years EMS would take our exploratories and use them to prepare a school wide play on some subject, usually a history of the area. You have to understand that they were taking away something that had the potential of being fun, and replacing it with a boring production. So it should come to no surprise that the play was already off to a poor start. I was assigned to the Loyalist section of the play with my friend, Will, so I guess it could have been worse. Somehow we gained creative control of our scene and wrote up a draft of what should happen. How this was approved is still a mystery to me. Found below is the entire script of the Loyalists. Please keep in mind that it is incredibly boring, but I think it’ll be worth it. Also keep in mind that this script has not been altered in any way, and that this is exactly how it appeared on stage. Try and guess which one I participated in. I’ll give you some of the reviews after.

So, without further Apu, I give you The Story of the Loyalists 1997.

Scene 1

Narrator: This is the story of a loyalist family from Boston, New England in 1776. Rebel and Loyalist families often worked harmoniously before this year.

Rebel Mother: Come in! You can put the cake in the kitchen. I’ll take your coats.

Rebel Father: I caught this fish for supper.

Loyalist Mother: We have so much fish, we don’t know what to do with them.

Rebel Mother: Can’t you stay home one weekend? You always seem to be fishing.

Loyalist Father: But we don’t fish, they jump into our boat.

Rebel Daughter: For our school project we need to know if our parents are going to be loyal to the crown or if they are going to support independence for the United States.

Loyalist Daughter: So what are you going to be?

Rebel and Loyalists Fathers at same time: Independence! / Loyal!

Loyalist Father: What do you mean? Don’t you want to stay loyal to the king?

Rebel Father: No! I think we should be independent from Britain by now.

Scene 2

Narrator: The Bounty Hunters approach the argument between the two families. The rebel father approaches the hunters and tells them to attack the loyalists.

Rebel Father: I’ll pay you guys $50 to maim and beat up that family (pointing to the loyalists).

Low Blow: Show me the money!

Narrator: The father showed it to them just as a friend of the loyalists came and gave them a map to lead them to Canada.

Eric: Get out of the country! Here is a map. Those bounty hunters are going to maim and beat you.

Black Jack (turns around): What happened to the loyalists?

Eric: I just led them to Canada and in to safety. So I guess you’re too late!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Low Blow: Oh really, I guess we’ll have to get our bounty off of you.

(The bounty hunters grab him and put him in a noose)

Black Jack: So which way did they take, Eric?

Eric: I’ll never tell, even if you kill me.

Black Jack: That can be arranged!

(The hunters cut him with their swords and then open fire on him. They cut the rope and stomped on the lifeless body of Eric).

Black Jack and Low Blow: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

(curtain closes)

Scene 3

Narrator: The loyalist family have no choice but to escape revolutionary America and flee to Canada. Exhausted, they arrive finally at the Canadian border.

Mother: We’re finally here at the border. Daughter: What will it be like in Canada?

Father: Well, we’ll still be with England. We’ll stay loyal to our king.

Canadian Border Guard: Who is this person? (pointing to the slave)

Father: Well, that’s our slave.

Guard: Sorry sir, there are no slaves in Canada. If slaves cross the border, they will be free.

Slave: Hooray!

Father: You can’t tell me who I can take with me!!!! (speaking angrily)

Guard: Yes sir, I can. There are laws against slavery. It is illegal in Canada.

Mother: Dear, calm down. We’ll take our slave, and he can be free.

Father: Very well then.

Scene 4

Narrator: The Land Family are now very happy settling into Nova Scotia life on the south shore in 1781. Although the Land family can remain part of the British Empire, they do however, find life more difficult without their slaves. They must now do their own physical labour and the winters are more difficult.

Daughter: Oh Mother, I like it much better here in Nova Scotia.

Mother: I quite agree, but it is difficult to survive without the slaves to do the heavy work.

Father: And don’t forget the harsher winters.

Mother: Soup is ready! Everybody get a spoon and a bowl.

Daughter: Potatoes and Turnips again! We’ve had that five times this week!

Father: I know it is not much now, but in the Fall when we harvest our crops, there will be much more choice.

Mother: But don’t forget, we won’t have our slaves to do the hard harvest!

Daughter: Don’t worry, father and mother. I will help with the harvest this time.

Neighbour #1: Hi neighbours. How are you enjoying life in Nova Scotia?

Father: We like it, but we wish they had allowed us to keep our slaves.

Neighbour #2: Would you like to come and eat at our house? We are serving stew and corn bread.

Neighbour #1: We could help share responsibility during crop season.

(curtain closes)

Wasn’t that funny boys and girls? Wasn’t it? WASN’T IT? Ok so that was rather boring if you weren’t there. But I still laugh out loud at Scene 2. We did three showings, and although some people walked out disgusted, we didn’t get in any trouble. I was actually surprised that they didn’t do anything about it. Although the principal was too busy having an affair with on of the teachers, so I guess she had her mind on other things.

I can only assume that there are a number of questions about the script like, why did it take them no time to go from Boston to Canada, but five years to get from New Brunswick to Nova Scotia? Why didn’t the Bounty Hunters follow them at all? Why did we only learn their name in Scene 4? Just how many slaves did they have? How long does it take to get over losing one’s slaves? And finally, where did the slave come from. He just appeared after Scene 2. Rest assured, I have no answers to give. In thanks for reading this entire article, I have prepared something for the guys...and the girls. Yeah like I’d put some beefcake picture on my website. Those are for O’Brien’s locker alone.