Good old High School! It’s hard to believe that its been 5 years since I entered Grade 12. We came in as immature children, and we left as, uhh, well, ah forget it. Seeing as I am feeling reminiscent, I thought I would *sigh* reminisce about some hilarious moments from Horton High. So, for the first time in print, or webpage, I bring you excerpts from my High School Agenda. But before we get to that, how about some stories to get you ready.

Chapter 1 – Stunky Cheese and Porn

There is a reason that you don’t tell anyone your passwords. Bad things happen. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back in Grade 12, I had the hardest time getting my locker open. I don’t know why, but my lock never worked really well. Frustrated, I told my combination to O’Brien in the hopes that he would be able to get it open. He did, and from time to time throughout the year, he would open my locker whenever I couldn’t. No problems, right? Well, we’ll see about that.

Anyway, back to the passwords. Somehow, I found out what O’Brien’s school password was, and decided to exploit it. My buddy King and I decided to simply change his password so he couldn’t do any work at school. But what do we change it to? He’d be sure to guess stinky, so that was out. And maybe he’d even be able to guess stanky, after all, we all loved Samantha Stanky, so that was out. No, we needed something close to stinky, but something he wouldn’t guess. Stunky! That was the password! There’s no way he’d guess. And he didn’t. A few annoyed days later, O’Brien finally found out what his new password was. And surprisingly, he took it really well. Alls well that ends well, right? Until later that week when I went to get my books for my next class. Sure, I was able to open the locker up, but somebody had emptied it for me. Son Of A!!!!!

I decided to take the direct approach, and went straight to our homeroom teacher. I simply walked up to him and asked for O’Brien’s combination. He looked at me and asked, "I don’t want to know what you’re going to do, do I?"

"No sir, you don’t"

But I took the information and did nothing. I didn’t need my books that bad, and frankly I didn’t want him to know that I had his combination. I had something better planned. So I went home and got on the internet. I decided to fight fire with gay porn. In no time at all I printed off some gay men and shemale porn. Its kinda sad that I was able to find that crap in no time, but still can’t find episodes of the old kids game show, Fun House. But I digress.

That Friday, King and I stayed after school, and waited until the coast was clear. I easily opened up O’Brien’s locker, and taped the porn to the inside of his door. But that was only phase one of my plan. The gay porn was the short-term plan. The long-term plan was the cheddar cheese that I stuffed into his Kleenex box. Now that I think about it, I think he took that from my locker. Anyway, the cheese would fester, and he would have no idea what the heck smelled so bad. Proud of ourselves, we took a quick picture for prosperity and headed out. As a precaution, I switched locks with the freak show beside me, so I was safe. After all, even if he find out about the switch, what did I care if he messed up her locker.

That Monday, O’Brien opened his locker, saw the flesh colored pictures lining his door, and immediately slammed it shut. Sadly for me, I told too many people about the genius of my cheese plan, and he found out. I ran into O’Brien at lunch and instead of continuing the pranks, he applauded a job well done. I wonder if he would have been as amused if the cheese stuck around a little longer.

Chapter 2 – Let ‘Er Rip

I don’t even remember how this started, but King and I had this ongoing gag where I would rip his agenda. Early on in the year, anytime he left it out, I would make a small rip in it, page by page. As time went on, and his agenda became more tattered, King finally did everything within his power to keep it away from me. And to his credit, he did a great job.

It must have been about mid-May when he finally slipped up. We were in Math class, when suddenly the fire alarm went off. We all shuffled to the door, and I looked back and noticed that King had finally left his agenda unattended. The fool! Either he had finally wanted to trust me again, or he simply forgot about some moron ripping his pages. In any event, he slipped up, and I couldn’t let that stand.

I headed outside to line up with my homeroom, and decided that I should do something big. After all, I may not get another opportunity like this again. I started ripping out entire pages towards the front of the book, but realized he probably wouldn’t notice. I went to that day’s date, and wrote in "To find out where I’ll strike next, go to your map of the school". Every agenda had a map of the school, except for King’s because I decided to rip it out. And on the pages that appeared next to the map, I wrote in "Insert map here" in big letters. We headed back into the school and I scrambled to get there before King, so I could leave the agenda just as I left it. It wouldn’t be until later that night that I heard of his displeasure with my ruse. And I was right. I would never get another chance like that again. I’m glad that I made the most of it.

And now, our feature presentation – My Grade 12 Agenda, in all it’s Glory!

Sure, I didn’t really use this book all that often, but when I did, LOOK OUT! I’d say it gives a great perspective as to what things were like back in the day. Sometime controversial, sometimes nonsensical, but always fun. Here we go!

The first page starts with a bang with King’s handwriting. Its an oldie, but a goodie. Matt stinks, complete with stink lines. Ooh boy, this is going to be a long entry. In the right corner, things pick up with Go Kamala, complete with two stars and a moon. Also, the bottom is completely covered in white out. As I recall, Peter Bylund took the liberty of writing in my information. What a guy. Let’s see, according to this, I live in Shitsville, and my phone number is 1-800-BLOW-ME. Good times!

King strikes again on page 3, writing in Matt "Aubie" King. I retaliated by scribbling in I KILL YOU in a menacing like fashion right below it. To the right of that we have an artist’s rendition of a victim of the swamp thing. You’ll have to ask me about that one. Its waaaay too hot for the internet.

Nothing of note comes up until page 24 where Chess Club is heavily underlined for some reason. I didn’t know we even had a Chess Club. On the next page, O’Brien takes credit for the school coming up with one of their rules. As I recall, it had something to do with photocopying drama tickets for profit.

I pass by several Kamala references, and move right into the calendar section of the agenda. Taking a look at some of the entries, I smile, knowing that I didn’t write all of them. Much like King, I stopped leaving my agenda out early on in the year.

Sept 19, 2000 – Take a bath

Sept 20, 2000 – Change Underwear

Oct 13, 2000 – Don’t Go Camping! (I love that pic)

Oct 24, 2000 – Peter Bylund’s 18th Birthday (Hmmm, I don’t remember writing this)

Nov 6, 2000 – Get ass wart cream for giant wart on ass

Nov 7, 2000 – Making love to blow up doll is not as good as advertised

December 22, 2000 – Candace’s 18th Birthday. Note: Buy a good present for Can. (I don’t remember writing this either. No wonder I didn’t buy her anything)

January 28, 2001 – Survivor: The Australian Outback begins! (Wow, did that ever crap out)

February 1, 2001 – Jon’s Day

Each week in the calendar, there would be various inspirational crap. Occasionally I would make comments in my agenda. They all seemed to have a common thread.

Reflection: Where is my compass pointed? How do I get there?

My answer: 1) Towards King’s grave. 2) Killing him.

March 29, 2001 – Bio Project Due – The Fabulously Amazing Science Fair Spectacular: The Game – Basically it was your typical Bio project where you have to create a game of some sort. Knowing my game, The Fabulously Amazing Science Fair Spectacular: The Game was a poor man’s Trivial Pursuit, I typed up a huge marketing campaign for the game, and gave it an unforgettable name. That being The Fabulously Amazing Science Fair Spectacular: The Game. And somehow it worked. But really, how could you not love the game, based on its name alone. After all, I was not one to over-hype something.

Reflection: What is my mission in life?

My answer: To kill Jon King

April 24, 2001 – Soc and Bio Crap due (Love that shorthand)

Reflection: Do I take responsibility for my actions

My answer: Yes. If it results in the death of Jon King

May 2, 2001 – Becki’s Birthday – Buy me a present please. (I don’t even remember who Becki is, so its safe to say I didn’t buy her crap)

May 31, 2001 – Law trip to Court – That was a lot of fun, especially when they issued a warrant to arrest some dude that O’Brien knew.

Reflection: Do I spend my free time the way I’d like?

My answer: No. Jon King is still alive.

June 14, 2001 – No School! R.A.W. in Windsor! Yeah! R.A.W.! Sadly it would be the same show that we saw in Kentville 8 days prior.

And that’s it. On the back page, there is a list of possible names for some bowling team that I led to victory. Its basically the uninspired last minute predictable stuff that you’d expect. Simpsons reference – Pin Pals. Wrestling references – Perfect Team, Dream Team, or Strike Force. The only original one I came up with was Jon Flushers. As I recall, we never used team names.

So there you have it, another journey back to High School. You know, in articles like these, I usually end off with a pic of a hot chick. Well, here’s a pic of a chick that went to Horton High.

I’m pretty sure that she had a crush on me too, but I was all like, forget you. True Story!