DTA – Don’t Trust Anyone. Not a bad credo to have if you ask me. Not that I always thought that way, but after reading this story, you’ll understand.
It all dates back to the first Drive-In Night of 2004. We didn’t always go just to see the movies, but rather the experience. That would explain why we sat through garbage like New York Minute and Dumb and Dumberer.
Anyway, that evening we were stuck with watching the horrendously awful sequel to Scooby-Doo. The only real highlights were the super hot Velma chick wearing red leather and the birth of Silly Sailor.
What’s that you’re asking? You don’t remember a Silly Sailor in Scooby-Doo 2? Silly Sailor was Krusty the Clown’s character’s name in the ill-fated Radioactive Man movie.
It all came up when the teens were being chased by some ghosts from their pasts or something, and Nick asked what the name of the underwater guy was. My response, in a sarcastic tone, was, I dunno, Silly Sailor? For some unknown reason, Nick believed me, and we all ridiculed him soon after. And thus, being “Silly Sailored” was born.
It was basically our term for when somebody pulled the wool over your eyes. It was never really picked up to become common street slang used by all, but it was good enough for the Superiors. And who better to become the victim of the most brutal Silly-Sailoring of all time than its creator?
It all began soon after we had this awesome group picture made in New Minas. Basically the company drove around in their truck and people came to get their photos taken. It sounds pretty lame, but it was surprisingly pretty damn awesome.
Anyway, there was a younger girl working with the owners that helped us into our costumes and such. She didn’t really seem like my type, but we spoke with her a bit. She seemed to be hinting towards coming out with the group to one of the Valley’s many hillbilly bars, but we pretended not to notice and said that we’d just end up at McDonalds. We actually ended up at Burger King, and all had a good laugh at the idea that she went to McDonalds to meet us there. I thought that was the end of the story, and technically it was, but let’s continue anyway.
So a few days later, we were all showing our pictures to various friends and family, and O’Brien informs me that a friend of his recognized the set, and its turns out, she was related to the chick that worked there. Whether this was true or not, I don’t recall, or care, but a few days later, this arrived in my email:
From: Bill Carnison aswewerephotos@hotmail.com
Subject: um, hey :)
Hey Matt,
This is Sarah from AS WE WERE, the photo place where you got the pictures taken with your friends. You may be wondering how I got your e-mail, but it would appear that one of your friends knows my cousin Alana, who goes to acadia. He sent her the picture of you guys and she recognized it as our truck. So anyways, you guys wern't at McDonnalds. I went there after you said that you wern't going to the bars. I was hoping to meet up with you because I think that you guys were cool and I think that you are cute. I was kind of put off by first at your friend's offhand comments but it seems that you guys are a really fun group (fringe benefits???). Anyways, we're in bedford before we go to laurencetown. Maybe we can go out sometime, if you want?
Thanks,
Sarah :)
All right, this sounded interesting to say the least. It sounded pretty real as well. The only things that seemed odd were why she was using some other guy’s hotmail, and what’s with the guy’s last name?
Regardless, I ignored this and gave her a shout back. I usually don’t respond to emails like this after the Blonde Kitty fiasco, but what the hell right? Wrong!
Wow, nice to hear from you. We all absolutely LOVE the pic and have been showing them off the basically everyone that we've seen. We were going to go to McDonalds, but then we saw a bunch of jerks from our high school that we'd rather avoid, so we ended up at Burger King. Sorry about that. None of us really clued in that you wanted to hang out, but we can be pretty slow at times. Either that, or we were just so pumped about the pic. Yeah that sounds better. :) I think that Nick was shocked that he even said something like Fringe benefits, and we all had a good laugh at his expense. When will you be in Lawerencetown? We're headed to Moncton this weekend, but should be around most of the time. I'm usually stuck at the office bothering people about cell phones during the week, but we are all around during the weekends most of the time. I'm sure that everyone would be up for hanging out some time. Although I don't remember there being much to do in Lawerencetown.
Awesome to hear from you,
Matt
Did you notice that the email was sprinkled with various lies? Pretty textbook stuff by me to pass the blame. The whole fringe benefits thing was when she accidentally saw Nick in his underpants. She apologized, and he was all like, “hey, it’s a fringe benefit”, in classic heel manner. So basically, besides the lies, I sound like a pretty good guy right? Here’s what I got in response.
It's ok Matt, I went to legends anyways and had a good time. I didn't find anyone there as cute as you though. They were all the scruffy, you know types. I don't really like the bad boy thing, I grew out of that a long time ago : /. I must admit that I found you attractive wearing the generals uniform tho!
So you say that you might be able to come down to Lawrencetown? That would be so nice. I've been dreaming, wondering what it would be like. I could almost almost feel you inside of me. Then I wake up and realize I'm still sleeping in a van. You know, the job isn't so bad, but you meet so many people, faces without any names really, and it starts to wear on you. You guys weren't like that, and that really made me wonder. I don't know, like we have a connection.
Maybe you think I'm coming on too strong? I'm sorry if it seems that way.
Yours,
Sarah oxox :)
Holy Shit dude! I remember reading this and reading it back again, and thinking, wow, that’s pretty intense. I don’t even know this chick, and she’s getting out the dirty talk already. Still, this sounded pretty cool, so why not see how this turns out, I mean, its not like she knows where I live or anything.
But I did think it was important to calm things down a bit and get to know her before things get crazy. I emailed her back and asked her about herself and told her a little about myself. It seemed like the right thing to do, and it could lead to great things.
Thursday, July 29, 2004 is a day that will live on in infamy, that is until I forget about this incident. But when my “friends” or this article remind me of what happened, it will once again live on in infamy.
So here I am at work, eagerly awaiting a response from her. And here it is, but wait, it seems much larger than any regular message, and there’s an attachment as well. My first thought is to look around and make sure nobody can see my screen, because she obviously sent me nudie pictures. I clicked on the message and it loaded the picture below:
It took me a good few seconds to realize what had happened. Much like Marge Simpson was tricked into thinking Chad Sexington/Burly was coming to dinner, questions shot through my head. It was something like this:
Silly Sailor, how does she know...
Where did she get that picture...
SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!
Holy crap I was pissed off! The only thing that had pissed me off so quickly in recent memory was when I first played WCW Superbrawl. I was pinned after a bodyslam and a fast count, 30 seconds into the match. However, that only caused me to chuck the controller and turn the game off.
I was so freaking pissed off that I had to leave my cubicle for a minute and cool down. This was like around 5pm and I still had to work until 1am, talking to morons on the phone. The only thing that calmed me down enough to be able to get back to work was the thought of revenge!
I emailed O’Brien that I was onto his bastardly scheme, to which he quickly passed the buck onto Nick. Had I had not been given a drive home that night, I probably would have gone to Nick’s place and shit on his car.
The next day saw me in a foul mood and again, stuck at work. The only way that I would feel good about this situation would be to poison them in some manner. As I did not want them to get too sick, a laxative seemed like the way to go. However, several factors prevented me from doing so:
a) They apologized soon thereafter.
b) I had no idea how much to give them, and didn’t want them actually getting sick. (Although its never too bad to clean out the inventory once in a while)
c) We were going on MonctonMania2 on Saturday, and if I gave them laxatives, how often would I have to make pit stops so they could make their shit stops?
Now that I look back on this whole mess, it was pretty damn funny. I should also have looked for the warning signs, such as the last name, but also that we’ve been known to make fun of Bills and Sarahs in the past. For some reason, I was wilfully blind to these glaring clues, either that or I assumed that my friends aren’t assholes.
All in all, it makes for a pretty funny story, that even I can laugh at now. Here is an artist’s conception of what the real “Sarah” looked like, so you can understand why I was mildly interested.
I’m not even sure that was her real name.