Its the first Saturday Night’s Main Event of 1986, and the wrestlers are celebrating in style, in Florida. Hulk Hogan is with Mean Gene, and Hulk is making is patented Python Protein drink. Mean gene drinks some and immediately feels its effects, as he starts flexing his new muscles. Elsewhere, Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura make fun of the Hillbillies taking their yearly bath.
The opening credits, with Animotion’s Obsession, play, and we’re ready to go.
You should know by now which rating system I use, but you those of you who came in late, click here.
Vince McMahon runs down the card for the evening and is joined by Jesse Ventura, who tells him about the six man tag for the evening. He’s the first announcer to step in the ring and back up what he has to say. Replacing the Body on commentary will be Bobby Heenan!
Mean Gene is with Roddy Piper and Bob Orton. He doesn't seem all that concerned. He mocks the banjo! How would you feel if Uncle Elmer was your Uncle? The Hillbillies asked for it, and they’re going down. I could listen to Piper all day long!
We see clips of the Hillbilly wedding from last SNME, complete with insults from Piper and Ventura.
Mean Gene is with the Hillbillies. They say they’re professional athletes and their going to act like ones. Their family honor is on the line. Wow, I could make a ton of jokes from that thirty second interview. Like, how many professional athletes wear overalls? And what honor? Anyway, they head to the ring.
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Cowboy" Bob Orton, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura vs. Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer, and Cousin Luke
Jesse and Elmer start, and Jesse goes right for the eyes. Elmer gains control, lands a few shots in, and tags Hillbilly Jim in. Piper is in, and Cousin Luke is tagged in. He shakes Piper’s hand, but gets Piper with a cheap shot. The heels double team Cousin Luke, and make frequent tags. Jesse holds Luke, and Piper lands some insulting slaps. Its Elmer and Piper! They trade blows, and Elmer puts him in a bearhug. All six men are in the ring, and the heels retreat outside. Piper starts slapping Hillbilly, which only makes him madder. The heels continue with quick tags, and I start to notice that Cousin Luke only has one move, the polish hammer. Its sheer bedlam, and Piper gets the sleeper, and the win, after Orton hits Cousin Luke with the cast. Classic heel work by Piper, Orton, and Ventura, making a match with those hillbillies somewhat watchable. 2 Kamala
We’re at Adventure Island in Tampa, and its time for a waterslide competition. As a result of being branded on the last SNME, Jimmy Hart has challenged Junkyard Dog to a waterslide race in order to reclaim his honor. Makes sense to me. I like how they have A-Ha’s "Take On Me" playing in the background. Anyway, JYD gets a headstart, and wins the competition. Poolside, Jesse is with Terry Funk, who is tanning, getting ready to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, after he beats the Hulkster.
Gorilla Monsoon gives us a special report from a match between Hulk and Funk from Denver. Funk ambushed Hulk with the branding iron, and actually branded the Hulkster. Oh, its on!
Mean gene is with Hulk, and he has a special surprise. Straight from his victory in the poll, JYD is here, and will be in Hulk’s corner to keep an eye on Jimmy Hart.
WWF Championship - Hulk Hogan w/ Junkyard Dog vs. Terry Funk w/ Jimmy Hart
Hulkster knocks Funk out of the ring, and celebrates while Funk gets back in the ring. They lock up, Funk gets a few chops in, but gets clotheslined out of the ring again. Funk tosses a chair in, and Hogan sits down, waiting for Funk to get back in the ring. Funk takes Hulk to the corner, but Hogan reverses, and gets a back suplex. Funk gets a headbutt in, and Funk goes downstairs when the ref wasn’t looking. Funk goes up to the top rope, but Hulk shakes the ropes and Funk gets crotched. Hulkster with a huge clothesline and elbow drop. Jimmy then clips the leg of Hulk, and JYD is all over him. Funk unwraps his tape and begins choking Hulk out. Funk lands a piledriver, and Hulk JUST kicks out! Funk starts pounding on Hulk, but he’s hulking up! Big boot, and Funk falls out of the ring. Hulk suplexes Funk, but Hart hits him with branding iron. Funk gets two, and JYD blasts Hart. Hulk plows Funk over with a clothesline, and gets three! 2.25 Kamala
Mean Gene is with the Hulkster in the ring. He says he hasn’t had enough, and calls Funk back.
We get a flashback of George Steele, complete with Mean Gene finding him at the zoo. All to Simple Minds’ "Don’t you forget about me". They then go back to Adventure Island, with Captain Lou and George as they prepare for the Animal’s return to the ring.
Jesse is with Macho Man and Elizabeth. Elizabeth seems scared of the big drop into the pool, and Randy teaches her how to swim, by tossing her in. Elizabeth looks great as always.
"Macho Man" Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. George "The Animal" Steele w/ Captain Lou Albano
Typical Animal Steele/Macho Man match to start, with Steele lusting after Elizabeth. I hear you, brother! All joking aside, it looks like Dean Malenko is the referee. I’ll have to look into that. Anyway, Steele chases Macho off to start. He then stops chasing, and gets another long look at Elizabeth. George gets back in the ring, and Savage is all over him. They continue to run outside the ring, and Savage uses Elizabeth as a shield. Its dinner time, as George goes right for the turnbuckle for a snack. Steele continues to be distracted and Savage lands a double-ax handle out of nowhere, and gets the three count. Not really much of a match, but they would continue to feud for another year. 1.25 Kamala
Mean Gene is back with Hulk Hogan, and they hype the upcoming highlight video of 1985. We see a lot of clips of Hogan from 1985, all to Billy Ocean’s "When the going gets tough". Clips from the first WrestleMania, and several SNMEs. We see all the stars of the day, like Hogan, Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper, Piper, Andre, Orndorff, JYD, Tito, Savage, and Mr. T. Great stuff!
Mean Gene is with Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie. Volkoff explains that Russians are peaceful people and superior wrestlers, and he’ll prove that tonight in the Peace Match. Iron Sheik joins us and tells us who is number 1, as usual.
Jesse is with Corporal Kirchner. He says the United States Army has given him the best training in the world. He them shows Jesse how to properly enter a pool, by going down on a zip cord. Yeah, see, Jesse was a Navy S.E.A.L.. I have a feeling he knows a thing or two about proper military training. Anyway, Kirchner would end up going crazy on Vince, so we would never see him in the American wrestling scene again. There’s actually some pretty creepy stories about Kirchner in Mick Foley’s first book, Have a Nice Day.
Peace Match - Nikolai Volkoff w/ "Classy" Freddie Blassie and the Iron Sheik vs. Corporal Kirchner
Volkoff requests that we stand for the Soviet nation anthem, and actually gets pretty far before being interrupted by Kirchner and his Army buddies. The lock up to start, and McMahon says that this Peace Match will be a scientific contest, but Jesse isn’t so sure. They end up doing a test of strength, and end up in the ropes. Volkoff takes Kirchner down, and I’m certain that Malenko is the referee. They continue with some wrestling holds, and Volkoff does a cartwheel out of nowhere. Wow, I don’t think, I’ve ever seen that before. Finally, Volkoff gets frustrated and lands a few blows, before dropping the knee and picking up the win. Kirchner loses his temper and pounds on both Sheik and Volkoff. Not bad when you consider some of their other matches. 1.5 Kamala
We see clips of Magnificent Muraco and Mr. Fuji pounding on Ricky Steamboat. Mean Gene is with Muraco and Fuji. Apparently in Fuji’s country, they eat dogs, and I’m at a loss. How do you follow that?
Mean Gene is now with Ricky Steamboat and JYD. Steamboat says that Muraco and Fuji may have ambushed him from coast to coast, but they’ve never beaten him.
Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Junkyard Dog vs. Magnificent Muraco and Mr. Fuji
The heels ambush Steamboat and JYD, and Fuji bodyslams Steamboat on the concrete floor. Wow! JYD misses a headbutt, and Fuji lands a few blows before JYD regains control. JYD lands one of the worst armdrags I’ve ever seen, and Fuji gets tagged back in. The heels isolate JYD, and Steamboat is anxious to get in the ring. He finally gets the tag, and is all over Muraco. He slingshots the Magnificent one back into Fuji, and lands a top rope cross body for two. The tag is made back to JYD, who lands a headbutt on Fuji and gets the win. Steamboat continues on Muraco, but Muraco bails out. 1.75 Kamala
Vince and Jesse discuss tonight’s card, and Jesse challenges any commentator to do what he did tonight. Vince wishes us a happy new year. If only it really was 1986.
Here’s the thing:
Overall a pretty fun early SNME, with loads of funny skits and such. It’s always nice to see either Jesse or Piper in action, and Hulk’s matches are always fun. Savage, Steamboat, and Muraco were great as well, and its always nice to see Miss Elizabeth. The WWF was on an incredible run, and this is another case of the whole being better than the sum of its parts.
2.5 Kamala
