“JC, honey, is that you?”
I walked into the kitchen and dropped my bags onto the linoleum floor. “Yeah, Mom. It’s me,” I said solemnly.
She came into the room and hugged me tightly. “Oh, I'm so glad to have you home. How was your trip? Did everyone enjoy themselves?”
I stared at her for a moment, unable to answer. I was close to my mother, and I didn’t want to lie to her.
“Is everything okay? Your eye, it’s all swollen. Did you get in a...”
“I, uh, didn’t sleep very well last night. I think I'm gonna go down stairs and sleep for awhile. Is it okay if I tell you about the trip later?”
“Of course. You go lie down, and I’ll make you some tea.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I slowly descended the basement stairs to my room. My eyes automatically landed on the framed picture of Emily and me that sat on my desk. A feeling of hopelessness filled me as I picked it up and sank down on my bed. I couldn’t fathom any way that this situation could be fixed.
“Josh,” my mom said, coming down the steps. “Tea’s ready...” She paused when she saw me.
“Joshua?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure you’re...”
“It’s nothing, really.”
“Okay, sweetie.” She set the cup on my nightstand and sat down next to me. “It’s a really beautiful day out there today. The drive home must have been really nice.”
“I guess so.”
“I was a little surprised to see the girls all driving together. They must have bonded while you were gone.”
“Maybe.”
“But Julie wasn’t with them.”
“I know.”
“Didn’t want to leave you, huh?”
“No, the last time I saw her, she was with Freddie.”
“Oh, is that the one boy from Brooklyn?”
“That would be Joey.”
“I see. Was he up there also?”
“Unfortunately.”
“You know what else was strange?”
“No.”
“Emily didn’t come in to see me like she usually does. When they stopped so Shannon could get her truck, she didn’t even get out of the car.”
There was silence between us as a feeling of guilt rose in me. Emily didn’t even say hi to my mom because of me. Ever since her own mother died when we were twelve, my mom had become the most prevalent female in her life. They were just as close as we were, or rather used to be.
I reached over to my stand and put the picture down. I stopped for a moment, remembering the one of Julie and I. I slowly took the “happy couple” out and reached deep into my pocket. I smiled, slipping the Christmas photo from the old clay frame in.
“I like that one better.”
“Call her, Josh,” my mom sighed, ruffling my hair like I was 5. “I don’t know what happened, but call her.”
“But...”
“Trust me on this one.”
“...Just leave a message and I’ll try and get back to you. Thanks.... beep.”
“Um, hi, Emily. It’s Josh. I, uh, wanted to talk to you. Things were left kind of unsettled, and I never meant for all this to be....”
“Beep.” I stared at the phone after her machine cut me off.
“...I’ll try and get back to you. Thanks.... beep.”
“It’s me again. Please pick um, Em. I know you’re home. It’s 7:30 on a Monday night. You’re sitting there watching some movie on the Disney Channel like you usually do. Please...”
“Beep.”
“Damn it!”
“...Back to you. Thanks.... beep.”
“Please, Emily. Humor me. I really need to talk to you...”
“Josh?”
“Emily! You’re home! I...”
“Stop, Josh. Just stop calling. Please.”
“But...”
“Good bye.”
I hung up the phone and sank deeper into darkness of my room. I reached over to press the play button on my remote control for my CD player when a Weezer song filled my ears.
“The world has turned and left me here/ just where I was before you appeared/ and in your place, an empty space/ has filled the void behind my face...”
It was over.
No matter where I was, I was forced by my parents to mow the lawn. This time, however, half of the lot wasn’t thick forest, so it was taking me twice as long.
I had been cutting under the scorching sun for hours when I could feel someone’s presence behind me.
“You always looked good in a wife beater, Jace,” a voice said.
“Julz.” I stopped the lawn mower and took a good look at her. It had been a good week or two since the party, where I had seen her last. Maybe I was just getting too much sun, but something seemed different about her; she seemed happier than before. “What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I was just getting the last of my stuff from Daddy’s when I decided to take a quick walk around the old neighborhood. A final good bye, ya know.”
“Is today your last day in Maryland?”
“Sure is. Do you wanna take a break and maybe get some lemonade?”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “That sounds good.”
We wandered into the kitchen, and I poured two large glasses of lemonade. We went to the den and sat in the comfort of air conditioning as we drank.
“So, uh, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for getting so upset with you,” Julie said awhile later. “It was really uncalled for, and it just made the situation more difficult.”
“Thanks. Apology excepted.”
“But you really can’t blame a girl. She tells her boyfriend she loves him, and he breaks up with her.
“I-I know. I couldn’t have lied to you though. If I had said that I loved you back then it would have cause a lot more pain in the long run for the both of us.”
“Yeah, I realize that now. Thank you for ending it.”
“Was I really that bad?”
“No, no, not at all. You were just right, we weren’t supposed to be together. And I have since found somebody who was a little more suited to me.”
“Freddie?”
“Who?” A look of confusion passed over her face.
“He was the guy at the party? You were with him for most of the night? It was his house?”
“Oh, him. No, actually. It was Emily’s friend, Joey.”
“Joey?” I asked, coughing on a piece of ice.
“Yes. Joseph Anthony Fatone Jr.”
“He’s more suited for you?”
“He really is a nice guy. He’s funny, sweet, he has a good heart.”
“But he’s a player.”
“No, he’s changed a lot. We talked about it. He got burnt bad by a few girls in college this past year. He’s learned his lesson.”
“Be careful, Julz. He’s a smooth talker. He knows exactly what to say.”
“So do I. I know what I’m doing.”
“I just don’t like the guy very much.”
“Oh, come on. The only reason you don’t like him is because he was with Emily.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat at the sound of her name. I had never gone this long without talking to her. In the past week or so our friendship had done a complete 180.
“Are you okay, Jace?”
“I’m fine,” I answered sullenly.
“Have you talked to her since the party?”
“I called her, but she didn’t really want to talk to me.”
“She’s doing okay. I saw her when I was walking. She was getting ready to leave.”
“Leave?” I asked. “Where’s she going?”
“College, stupid.”
“No, no, no, no, no, no.” I jumped off the couch quickly. “We aren’t supposed to leave for another four days.”
“Well, she’s leaving today at four.”
“What time is it now?” I grabbed her wrist and looked at the face of her watch. It read 3:45. “I have 15 minutes.”
“What are you planning on doing?”
“I-I don’t know,” I said as I searched frantically around the den for my keys. “But I have to do something. I mean, I can’t just let her leave.”
“You’ll see her up at UMD in a week.”
“It’ll be different.” I lunged for my keys after I spotted them behind a pillow and rushed toward the door.
“JC! Stop!” Julie yelled from behind me. “Just stop for a second.”
I paused in my tracks and looked at her. “What?”
“Do you even know why she doesn’t want to talk to you? Do you have any clue to why she ran away when she did?”
“No.”
“Just be careful of what you say to her, okay?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“I’m serious, Jace.”
“Okay. I got it. Watch what I say to her: check.”
“Good luck,” she smiled, pushing me out the door. “Go get your girl.”
I returned the smile before running over to my jeep. I hopped over the door and sped down the driveway. As the wind blew through my hair, my mind began to race with a thousand different thoughts, and my heart was pounding against my rib cage. What was I going to say to her? The last time I went to her on a whim, she ran away from me. Was she going to again? I slowed down as I rounded the corner to her street, but the hammering in my chest quickened. The explorer was out front, its back full of boxes. I parked behind it and slowly walked up to the house. “Emily?” I called, knocking softly. I knocked again, but no one answered.
I followed a path around the house to the back. I saw a figure in the corner of the yard on the edge of an old sandbox. She sat there quietly, not moving, simply staring up at the sky thoughtfully.
I walked towards her, unnoticed, trying to get my thoughts in order. I took a deep breath before speaking. “You’re leaving?”
“Josh!” she exclaimed, getting up quickly. “What are you doing here?”
“Why are you leaving early, Emily?”
“I, uh, well, it’s just that,” she fumbled around with her words as she began to wring her fingers. She paused for a moment, staring down at the ground. “Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“I need to get away from all this,” she said, waving her arm around the backyard. “I need to remove myself from all these things, so I can finally figure out how things are supposed to be cause I don’t know anymore.” She pushed her way past me and began walking towards the house.
“Don’t run away again.”
She stopped and turned around to face me. That same look was carved into her face. That same hard to read expression that had haunted me since I told her.
“Please don’t run away from me.”
A tear began to roll down her cheek . “I have every right to run away from you, Josh. I have every single fucking right to run away from you, especially after what you’ve put me through.”
“What I’ve put you.... Emily, I’m sorry for the way I told you, but I couldn’t hold my feelings back any longer.”
“I’ve had to hold everything I’ve felt for you back for the past year and a half. Do you think that was easy?” she yelled as she broke down, her eyes flooded with emotion. “It has been so hard, so incredibly hard. I’ve had to sit back and keep my feelings to myself as I watched you go out with girl after girl, wishing it was me.”
“Why di...”
“Let me talk, alright. It’s my turn to talk. You always came to me with your girl problems. You always came to tell me about them, to ask me for advice. You have no idea how many times I had to stop myself from telling you to just end the relationship so I could have you to myself. Every night I went to bed hoping and praying my feelings for you would just go away. I didn’t want to ruin this friendship cause it means more to me than anything else on this planet. I didn’t want to burst out saying ‘Guess what, Josh? I’m in love with you,’ so I kept it all to myself. And right when I think I finally have a chance to get over you, to have a relationship of my own, you run in and suddenly decide you have these feelings for me? It bull, complete bull shit.”
“Emily, I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. I never wanted you to.” She wiped away the tears that were streaming down reddened cheeks and sighed. “Now will you please just leave?”
“I can’t. I can’t just turn around and walk away knowing that you feel the same way. I may not have had these feeling as long as you have, but that doesn’t make them any less real.”
“Just leave, JC. Don’t make this any harder for me.” She turned away and began walking back to her house. I ran up to her and caught her hand before she left me once again. I held her hand in mine before pressing it against my chest, over my heart.
“I am in love with you, Emily. I’ll admit that it’s confusing, frustrating, and really scary. But at the same time it is the most wonderful feeling this body had ever experienced. My only regret is not realizing what was so obvious to everyone else sooner. We have been best friends for ten years now, and I know that me saying all of this jeopardizes that relationship. But you have to trust me when I say this is worth the risk, and I know it will work out. Everything I said to you on that night was the truth. I’m complete with you. It’s when I’m with you that I feel like the best version of myself. I can’t see myself with anyone but you.”
“Josh...”
“Please.”
She rose her gaze to meet mine. The confusion in her eyes began to disappear, yet they were still hesitant. “I’m scared,” she whispered to me.
“You don’t need to be,” I answered just as quietly. I slowly moved closer to her, afraid of her backing away, but she didn’t. I closed my eyes as my lips brushed against hers. A warm feeling began to rush through me at the lightest touch. I pulled away slightly, making sure she was okay when she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me back to her. Our kiss deepened as I held her close to me. She fit perfectly against my body, everything feeling just right.
“I love you, Josh,” she smiled as she leaned into my embrace and laid her head on my shoulder.
“I love you too.”