I walked through the double doors of the gym and looked around. Completely empty. I was almost done looking through his journal, but I kept being distracted at home. I still hadn’t told my mother about my trip, basically because I didn’t want to talk about it. But when I said that she wanted to know even more. Every few minutes she would peak into my room and ask stupid questions that always neared into the subject of ‘N Sync. I had to get out of there.
Youth group started in a little over an hour, and I felt the gym was an appropriate place to finish reading. So far I was really impressed with his journal. It wasn’t just ‘this is what happened today,’ but he actually wrote. The first draft of my song was even written in there.
I opened to where I left off, December 25.
Christmas
Journal-
Drew knows. No two words in all the English language can be as horrible as those. I have to get the whole story in, so where to begin? We were putting Jonathan to bed, and I asked her about her father which, of course, led to an uncomfortable situation. He died of cancer. I should’ve known better. If your father’s not around, are there really any positive answers? Not really. Oh yeah, he’s in prison for drug dealing…. he works a lot so he’s not around too often… my parents are divorced… We all know how much that one can suck. In order to change the subject I suggested playing laser tag. The two of us went down to the basement, and we played, and I captured her- again- and that led to, well, that’s not important. So Drew came down mid-kiss. And it probably looked a lot worse than it was cause I had captured, so I was leaning over her and it was this really great… once again, that’s not important. Drew is so hurt. It is unbelievable. I feel so horrible that their friendship got all screwed up from Lili dating me. I never understood why she wanted to keep us a secret so badly until now. I was always willing to go along with it, but I never dreamed that something like this would come about.
Lili’s in Daddy’s office calling her brother right now. I’m kinda hurt that she doesn’t want to talk to me about this. What advice could he possibly give her that I couldn’t? What comfort could she find in him and not me? Granted, I’m involved, and I wouldn’t say something like, ‘Maybe you should break up with Justin,’ but I’m sure he wouldn’t either. That would solve nothing. I have to go. -Justin
I continued reading through our break up to the morning we went swimming.
December 29 morning
Journal-
I don’t know if this friends thing is gonna work between Lili and me. This morning we’re in Rhode Island, and we all went for a little swim. Everything was as fine as it could be under these circumstances (sitting there, watching her and Lance talk, being completely jealous that it wasn’t me in that hot tub with her…). Joey told me to go over there, so reluctantly I did. I don’t know what’s going on with Lance either. He has been in the strangest mood. Especially when I went over there. I wonder what I interrupted. He said they were talking about music. I don’t know about that. I was surprised when he even went over there to talk to her. He knows how miserable I’ve been, and I know he likes her and everything, but he wouldn’t have gone over there to flirt with her. At one point she was laughing then the next second things looked serious. My curiosity is killing me. But to get back to my original story, I eventually threw Lili into the pool, and she said she was going to get me back. I told her she wasn’t sneaky enough. Think about this. My four best friends are all joke-playing pros. I play half of them. It takes a lot to get pass me. If she were going to try to get me back, it would take a whole hell of a lot. So anyway, Drew then said she was pretty sneaky. Instead of saying something like, ‘Yeah, I am,’ she said, and I quote, ‘Yeah, Justin. You of all people should know that.’ I don’t know if she quite knew the impact of what she said when she said it. It brought up all this hurt from the break up and how much this whole situation sucks in front of everyone. They were all in the pool, looking up at me, waiting for my reaction. I couldn’t stand it. She sounded so okay with us not going out, while it’s driving me crazy. I’m barely surviving. I left. There was just no way I could have stayed there any longer. She came out to apologize, and it was so stupid. She was trying to say how she shouldn’t have said that, and it’s like, no shit. You don’t break up with someone then rub it in their face like that. It’s something you just don’t do. Especially in front of their friends. The guys all know how hard this is for me. She’s acting like it’s no big deal when it is. I gotta go. -Justin
I hadn’t realized that our break up was so hard on him. He seemed so fine with it. Of course, that’s how it appeared I was. I felt a tear roll down my face as I remembered everything that had gone on. I don’t think I have ever cried this much in my entire life.
I turned the pages, more and more, to the last entry made.
New Years Day
Journal-
The worst thing that could ever happen just did. The ball dropped. By then I had more than a few drinks via Joey, meaning they were all spiked like a mo fo. I guess he was trying to make me feel better because Lili had gone to lay down, and I just really wanted to spend time with her, so I guess I was kinda miserable. So back to the ball dropping. Everyone around me was hugging and kissing, and Lili wasn’t back yet. I was looking for her, and I turned around and there was Drew. Drew was drunk too. Or at least I think she was because she didn’t taste too good. She reached up and kissed me. The bad thing is that I kissed back. I don’t know why. I don’t even like Drew. She’s so damn annoying. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the moment, Happy New Year and everything. Or maybe I just wished it was Lili. So anyway, I kissed back, and it wasn’t that great of a kiss or anything. It was fine, I guess. Nothing compared to how I feel when Lili and I…I love kissing Lili. Anyways, Lili came back at that exact second. Can you believe that? She looked so hurt, and it was all my fault. So I had to run after her which wasn’t an easy task. And I had to run through a group of fans. Shouldn’t they be at home with their families on New Years? Geez, some of them have no lives. Think about it. How big of a loser can you be? Do they think that we’ll see a cute little 12-year-old and take em back upstairs. I don’t think so. First of all, that is highly illegal. Secondly, do they really think we’d be attracted to some stalker fan who tracked down where we were going to be and then sits there and waits, hoping that maybe, just maybe we’ll walk by. Um, no. Shit, where was I? Uh, okay. So I finally found Lili, and I tried to explain, but she just wouldn’t let me. And then she ended it right there. Completely. She said that she never wanted to talk to me again and left. I really must have looked pathetic at that point. I was crying and so drunk (I threw up in a trashcan like three seconds later). Luckily, JC found me and took me back to my room. He’s gonna make a good dad one day. He’s a very cool guy. Yup. So anyway, now I’m in my room, and I’m writing in here, and I’m still crying. I can’t believe I did that. It’s probably the thing I regret the most in my life, except kissing Britney is pretty high up there. Now that chick just can’t take a hint. I mean, we went out seven years ago. Granted we’re still friends, but she goes out in public and says shady stuff like, ‘we kiss sometimes, he he.’ Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Get some common sense! There’s nothing going on. I have Lili! I had Lili. I’m so sorry for what I did. I may be tanked, but I know that for sure. And now she’s gone. What a happy New Year indeed.-Justin
I couldn’t help but laugh even though I was unbelievably depressed. I just couldn’t help it. He was really drunk when he wrote this. And he was crying, too. There were spots where the words were a smeared from his tears. Of course, one or two could’ve been from mine.
Any anger I was feeling towards Justin was gone. Now I was empty, alone, sad, and depressed. I couldn’t believe that it was over, and I was the one who ended it.
“Maybe it really was love,” I cried to myself.
“Hey, Lili?” Ben said, peaking his head into the gym.
“Yeah?” I said, trying to cover up my tears.
“Are you okay?” he asked, walking over to me and kneeling down.
“Um, yeah. I’m fine.”
He shot me a look. “When you’re fine, you don’t sit alone in a gym and cry. What’s up?”
“Nothing.” I was sure if he knew what was wrong, he wouldn’t want to talk about it. Justin wasn’t exactly his favorite person in the world.
“Doing homework?” He nodded to the notebook. “That always makes me cry too.”
“No.”
“Come on, Lili. You can talk to me.”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Yeah, I do. Here, let me guess, okay?”
“Fine.”
“Does it have to do with school?”
“I wish.”
“Does it have to do with a guy?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Are you sad because you know how much you missed me over break, and now you just feel so bad about leaving me all by myself?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He paused, turning serious again. “Does it have to do with Justin?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“That should’ve been my first guess.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“You guys didn’t get back together, did you?”
“Um, we’re not together. Not anymore.”
“Not anymore? Okay, um, Lili, why don‘t you fill me in.”
“This is his journal, Ben. He sent me his journal. This thing is, like, more personal than mine.”
“Why did he send you his journal?”
“We got in a fight,” I said, handing him the note.
He read it and shook his head. “I may not like him very much, but you have to give the guy some credit. He knows how to get a girl’s attention.”
“I’m never gonna see him.”
“You’ll work that out,” he said, getting up.
“I’m afraid it’s too late.”
Walking slowly across the familiar parking lot brought back a lot of memories. Of course, now there were tulips in the gardens and buds on the trees instead of a thick blanket of snow. Also the sign was telling the times for Easter services, not Christmas.
“What am I doing?” I sighed to myself before reaching the church’s doors. We had time off before we started the next leg of our tour, two days to be exact. The rest of the guys had chosen to relax at home, but there was only one way I could imagine spending my time.
I would have been lying if I said that I wasn’t hurt that Lili hadn’t tried to get in touch with me, especially after I sent her my journal. It hurt even more when I got a letter from Drew apologizing for what happened. After that I found out Mike and Drew were writing each other. Life in Michigan was going on with out any thought of me. Needless to say, Mike eventually forgave me. But months had passed, and Lili still wasn’t talking to me.
I quickly looked back to my car. Last chance to leave, Justin. I pushed myself into the church and followed the hallway to the gym. From outside I could hear No Strings Attached playing. That had to be a good sign. At least she didn’t hate me. I slowly opened the door, and there she was, practicing as usual.
She looked better than I remembered, her skin a bit darker, and she had gotten stronger.
Standing beneath the net she looked deep in thought. I quietly walked over to her, put my hands on her hips and lifted her to the net. She dropped the ball in and slid back down.
“Ben,” she sighed, “do not start teasing me about Jus…” Lili trailed off as she turned around and stared at me for a second. “…tin.”
“Hi, Lili,” I smiled at her. “Getting better.” I nodded toward the net.
“W-what are you doing here?”
“Well, I was in the neighborhood.”
“Michigan?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you know that I was here?”
“I stopped by your house, and your mom told me.”
“Oh.” She paused. “Well, it’s good to see you.”
“Yeah.”
“Um, here,” she said, walking over to the corner. She stopped the CD before I’ll be Good for You began and reached into her bag to take out a blue notebook. “You can have this back now.” She handed me my journal, and I looked down at it. It was a lot more worn out than it originally was, the edges curling up and the pages wrinkled. It was definitely read over many times.
“You got it,” I sighed. “I wasn’t sure if you did or not.” A part of me had hoped that she hadn’t, and that was why she hadn’t tried to get a hold of me.
“Yeah, I did.” An awkward silence fell between us.
“Listen, Lili. I’m just gonna get straight to the point here. I’m here because I want you back. I miss you, and I know I screwed up, and I probably don’t deserve you, and I never should have kissed Drew, drunk or not, and I love you, and these past couple of months have been hell without you, and if you hate me I understand…”
“Say it again,” she said no louder than a whisper. She lifted her head slowly so that her bright green eyes shone into mine. “Please, say it again.”
“I love you,” I said, taking her hands in mine. “And I always will.”
“Oh, Justin,” she cried, wrapping her arms around me. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too,” I said, holding her tightly in my arms, afraid that if I let go I would lose her again.
“Hey,” she said, pulling away.
“What?” I asked, quickly wiping away a tear that was coming down my cheek.
“How bout a little one on one?” she smiled.
“A little one on one?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you ask that?”
“You’re going down, Timberlake,” she said, picking up the ball that had rolled to the far side of the gym.
“There’s no holding back,” I laughed, taking it from her. “All is fair in love and basketball.”
“I can’t wait to kick your ass.”
“Come on, Stevenson. I’d like to see you try.” I began to run down the court with her close behind. To my surprise she came around me and stole the ball.
“Hey!” I quickly turned to catch up to her and wrapped my arms around her, bringing her to the floor.
“FOUL!” she yelled. “HANDS!”
“Like somebody’s gonna come and save you.”
“I need saving?” she laughed.
“Absolutely not,” I said, leaning over and kissing her softly. “You'll never need saving from me.”
“I love you, Justin.”
“You’re the only girl I’ve ever really loved.”
-
December 12
Journal-
Nine days until it will have been two years since I met Ophelia Eve Stevenson. I look back on the past years and all that it entails. Every relationship has its share of ups and downs. We definitely had our downs in the beginning, but since getting back together in April everything has been perfect. And as I sit here and watch her help Jon and Steven decorate the Christmas tree, I couldn’t imagine it any other way...
“Jay...” Lili said, crawling slowly over to where I was sitting on the floor. “Why don’t you put the journal away and help us decorate your tree?”
“Do ya’ll really need my help? They’re doing such a good job,” I laughed. About 75% of the ornaments were on the bottom two feet of the tree.
She curled up next to me and smiled as I wrapped my arm around her. “You’re right. I think we should just leave it like that. Then when the Cribs people come in tomorrow, the whole world will get a look at your beautifully decorated tree.” The MTV people had asked me if they could come down to Florida and get a tour of my house for a holiday episode of Cribs. Obviously, I had agreed.
“Okay, maybe I will help ya out a little bit.” We got up slowly and walked over to where my little brothers were happily hanging.
“Oh, Justin, where should we put this?” Lili asked, referring to a picture of the two of us that sat on the piano.
“Why should we move it?” I asked.
“Well, I figured since the MTV people were coming tomorrow that...”
“Leave it there.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely. You’re gonna be here when they come, right?”
“Well, your mom and I were gonna go shopping...”
“Lili,” I whined, wrapping her arms around my neck. “This is your house as much as it is mine.”
“I know, but...”
“You being here will keep me from being nervous. Can you just imagine the camera catching me falling up the stairs?”
“Yeah,” she giggled. “You know, Johnny will be really pissed that you’re not running this by him first.”
“I’ll take care of Johnny. I want you here with me,” I begged.
“Okay,” she sighed, giving in.
“Good,” I smiled as I kissed her lightly.
“Ewwwwww,” Jonathan and Steven giggled from behind us.
“What are you laughing at?” I turned to them.
“That’s gross,” Jon laughed.
“Yeah, ewwwww,” Steven added.
“You guys have seen us kiss before,” I pointed out.
“It was gross then too.”
“Whatever,” I laughed. “You guys ready to put the angel on top of the tree?’
“Yeah!”
“Okay.” I lifted Steven up on my shoulder, and he clumsily put the angel in its place. The four of stood back and looked at the job we had completed. I took Lili’s hand and smiled. “It’s perfect.” The End