When his lips left mine, I found myself fighting the smile that was eager to show itself. I bit my lower lip where I could still taste him, trying to keep myself from giggling like the school girl who just got the note back with a yes circled under the question ‘Do you like me?’ My brain reeled, looking for the right words to day, the right response. A comfortable silence remained between the two of us, and I realized nothing said could complete this moment. It was already perfect.
“I have a little something for you,” Lance said a few minutes later. His hand left mine as he reached deep into the small picnic basket and pulled out a small square jewelry box with a blue satin bow tied around it.
My breath caught in my throat as my hand reached up to my neck, expecting to touch a smooth star hanging on its small silver chain until I realized I hadn’t worn it in days. My eyes blurred lightly as I turned to look at the stars above us. It was so familiar.
“Open it,” he urged, a delicate smile across his face. After gently unwrapping the ribbon, I rose the lid to fine a thin silver ring sparkling in the moonlight. “To remember your time with me in New York,” he whispered.
I tried to keep myself focused on Lance and his gift. I tried shake away the feeling the was growing faster and faster inside me. I tried to look at Lance and remember all that had happened, all that was happening, but the look of love in his eyes took me back to when I saw it elsewhere...
“Scott, come on. I’m gonna trip if you don’t let me take this stupid blindfold off.” I felt his hand lightly against the small of my back, and his other still holding onto my arm carefully.
“One more step, Liz,” his voice whispered in my ear. I felt my feet meet soft ground that tickled my open toes in my flip flops.
“Are we outside?” I asked as we finally stopped walking, and I felt his touch leave me. “Scott?”
“You can take it off now.” My fingers hurriedly pulled the scarf away from my face, and I stared at the site before me. I was in his back yard, by the tiny pond and park bench we’ve sat at hundreds of times before. Only now, small white candles surrounded us, casting a soft glow over everything. He stood in front of me, holding a dozen white roses, a smile on his face, and a twinkle in his brown eyes. “Happy anniversary, Elizabeth.”
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered, wiping a tear away from my cheek while silently scolding myself for reacting like this.
“What is it?” Lance asked, worriedly holding my hand.
“Nothing,” I cried silently, shaking my head.
“You don’t like it? That’s okay. I can take it back...”
“No, Lance. It’s perfect. I love it, all of this. It’s just that...” My voice trailed off, wondering how I was going to explain the confusion going on inside of me. “It’s nothing.”
“Scott.”
My head sprung up when he said his name, my eyes wide in shock. “Lance...”
“You’re thinking about Scott, aren’t you?”
“No,” I said, a sob escaping my chest when I saw the pain present in his eyes. The brightness radiating a few moments ago was now dulled. Disappointment was written all over his face.
“I can’t believe you’re sitting here thinking about him right now. Then to go and lie to me about it.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Damn it, Liz! I can tell.” He jumped to his feet quickly, distancing himself from me. “I can tell you’re sitting there thinking about him while your here with me. What? Do you wish you were with him right now?”
“No! Please, Lance. Calm down.” I climbed to my feet and rushed over to where he paced. I reached out and touched his arms lightly. “Please don’t be mad.”
He looked down at my hands angrily, and his voice came out low and hoarse. “You don’t want me to get angry? Oh, I’m sorry if I’m a bit upset right now. I’ve spent the past week trying to make every last detail perfect for tonight, for you. And what do I get? You sit there and think about your EX-boyfriend.”
“I’m sorry, okay?”
“I don’t believe this.”
“Lance...”
“I can’t believe this.” He looked up to the sky for a moment before closing his eyes tightly and taking a deep breath. “Listen to me, okay?” he began, returning his gaze to mine, his voice back to normal. “Scott never let you finish, never let you explain. He was in his car with another girl the next day. He didn’t care about your feelings when you saw him. You deserve so much better than that, Elizabeth. I could give you so much more than that. But you have to let go of him. You have to move on,” he pleaded. “Please... I love you.”
I let his words sink in, those words sink in. He had said it again. He loved me. Yet another phrase rang loudly in my ears, over powering the one that probably mattered more. ‘You have to let go of him...’ Confusion overtook my body. My heart was yelling at me. Screaming to be heard, to tell him what I felt, what I knew. At the same time, dread forced me to stop from confessing my feelings to him. I would have to let go of him.
Here I was, standing in front of the man of my dreams, battling it out with memories. Lance was everything I could ever want in a guy, everything I would ever want. He had far surpassed my dreams of what he would be like, and I had fallen for him. Yet my brain would not let me forget the past that was deeply embedded in my heart. It was Scott. He was a comfortable, familiar thing, and yes, he had hurt me, but I couldn’t forget all he had given me. I still cherished it so much, too much to let go. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “So, so sorry.”
His eyes fell to the ground, then to everything around us but me. “Fine,” he said quietly, his voice shaking lightly. “If that’s what you want...”
He began shoving things into the basket quickly. He violently shook the dark plaid blanket out, and I watched as my ring went tumbling to the ground.
“Lance...”
“I’m taking you back to the hotel,” he said, quickly cutting me off. He picked up the basket, pulled his keys out of his pocket, and began walking briskly towards the path, stepping over and ignoring my gift.
I reached down to pick it up and carefully wiped some of the dirt off the soft box. Wiping a few tears away, I solemnly followed him to the car where we rode in silence.
The elevator couldn’t have moved any slower if it tried. It seemed to stop at every floor, letting another person on, another person off. For nine floors it was the same monotonous thing, an old man gets off, a newlywed couple steps on. Those two... they pissed me off even more. Their giggling, the looks they were exchanging, everything about them. I had to keep myself from glaring at them from underneath the bill of my pulled down hat. God, they were annoying. I had to suppress a sigh of relief when they got off, the woman nearly skipping and jumping into her husband’s arms. Finally...
The doors slid open slowly to my destination, and suddenly I wished this hotel had more floors. The familiar sound of plastic sticks hitting each other accompanied by the pounding of feet running and Chris’ high pitched laughter rang out throughout the hall. I stepped out to see my four best friends playing stick hockey, hitting a balled up roll of duct tape into two overturned ice buckets serving as goals... an usual game of ours. How I was going to get pass them and into my room without questions was unknown to me. In fact, it was impossible.
“Lance!” Joey yelled, catching sight of me. “What you doing back already?”
I lowered my gaze down to the floor, not wanting to make any eye contact with them. If they saw my eyes, they would know what happened instantly.
“What’s wrong?” JC asked, coming up to me after dropping the stick to the ground. His hand was placed warmly on my back.
“Nothing,” I managed to say, a lump beginning to form in my throat. I pushed pass them and made my way to the door, fumbling with my key card as my eyes began to blur. Their concerned stares was enough to push me over the edge. I didn’t want to breakdown in front of them. I never let them see me cry.
“Did everything go okay?” Chris asked.
“Everything went just peachy,” I snapped. The green light finally showed on the lock, and I quickly opened and shut the door behind me. “Everything went great,” I whispered to myself, the tears finally overflowing onto my cheeks.
How did I let this happen? I was never one to let my emotions get the best of me. I kept them hidden on the back shelf of my mind until it was absolutely necessary to look at them. It hadn’t been, and I did. When I saw that look on her face, immediately I knew what was happening. All my insecurities and doubts about Scott still being a part of her life where brought forward and... confirmed.
Confirmed... I kept praying it was just my imagination pulling a fast one on me. After that kiss, God that kiss, I was a hundred percent sure that these feelings were mutual. She loved me too. Who was I kidding? She had picked Scott over me.
I was giving up. I couldn’t be with a girl if she didn’t love me back, no matter how much I still cared for her.
A few hesitant knocks came from the door behind me, and I sighed. It was soon followed by the guys’ soft call. “Lance? Do you wanna talk about it?”
I stood up slowly, wiping my tears away roughly with the back of my sleeve. Taking a deep breath, I yanked open the door to find four curious faces staring at me. “Elizabeth and I are through. There’s nothing more to say about it.”
“But...” they started, cut off by the closing and locking of my door. I walked over to my bed, undressed, and climbed in. I placed my Offspring CD into the player, put my head phones on, and slowly drifted away as tears continued to fall from my closed eyes.