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Warning these are my thoughts!
Be able to understand that and not get upset.
This is just a way for me to let go!
And plus I DOUBT YOU EVEN KNOW ME!
So now on to my insanity!
For the second half go to:
https://www.angelfire.com/nt/SexyKiwi/boutme2.html
So you might want to know a bit bout me... I am currently pledging APO which is the service fraternity on campus. Ok thats enough of my jibber jabbering!!! I have to go to lab do a report/project Well I had a spiffy time at formal... Although my date ignored me for the majority of the night. Hmm so this friday I went to Western with two guy friends.. and we saw GARBAGE!!! It was pretty snazzy! Yeah so anywhoo... went to a party last night... had a spiffy old time. Didnt drink though bc my asthma was acting up. Ever feel like you dont belong somewhere? That you are just there? Just watching all that is goin on around you? Well i bet your bored.. of my stupid typing.. and the tv is free.. so i think i will veg out for a while.. before actually going to eat something today... Deciding to add time and date now... SOOOOO!!!! Oct 24th, 99 10:30 at nite. So back to me bitching... you probably have stopped reading by now.. but oh well.
I feel like people only associate with me when they want something. Like info on other people... although for the most part i am the last one to know anything. And well my ex's seem to come around every now and then..
like they are trying to see what they can get.. and if they are still on my mind... to get an ego boost... which just makes me feel like shit. I hate being the one people go to when its convenient.. and then close the door
of "friendship" till they need something again. And yes, i realize i am probably throwing this whole thing way out of proportion.. cause i am in a bad mood right now.. but oh well. I guess i just trust to easily and always get hurt
but i really dont want to do that again... at least with guys.. Pretty much givin up on them for a while... unless by some stroke of magic an actually nice guy who is intrested in me comes along.
Hey did you know most guys in our generation actually like brunettes over blondes? I have been talkin to a few... and they all say brunette! which is what i used to be.. till i dyed it red.. so now its reddish brown.
And guys are really shy bout approaching a girl. Two guy friends have told me how they have are sick of being alone and wondering why girls wont approach them... This is my thought on that: Ok... see I MIGHT! approach a guy if i knew
that there might be a chance that he was intrested.. but i still cant tell if they are.. cause for the most part guys dont really tell what is goin on in their little heads.. emotions are not part of reality here! Girls will make subtle
little hints that they are intrested.. but.. guys nada.. SO i just dont bother.. cause i am not bout to go up to a guy... even if he was a friend.. and tell him... and have him just laugh in my face.. Cause I bet thats what he would do!
had a chance to actually tell a guy that this year.. that i liked him.. tried really hard.. but chickened out... why.. bc he didnt want a relationship.. Oh well.. thats life right? And It seems all the guys I like think of me as a friend
thats right... Nessa is just the good buddy! Which can be great.. but then you sit there and watch them with another girl.. and your heart and stomache just turn in pain. Oct 25th, 99 Monday 4:26pm Yeah so I just got back from class. We got out early today!!! WOOO HOO!!! Today I finally wrote my friend bree back! And I slept thru my 10 o'clock bc i woke up at 9:57 after my alarm went off at 9:35... but my inhaler was out and I didnt feel
like running off to class and needing it.. so i just stayed in bed to get some much needed sleep. But two friends? on the floor woke me up and i wen to lunch with them at 11:30 and we ended up eating with this really sweet, nice guy that i know.
And it turns out that they are starting to know... so that was alot of fun. Also I got an e-mail from this one guy in APO who is going to take me to get an advisors signature tommorrow.. so that was cool.. and so i paged him.. and he called me back.
And we talked bout school and what we are going to be when we grow up an what not.. and he said 1st grade teachers actually make like 17 thousand.. which is good... cause i was lookin more at like 10-12 thousand.. which would kinda um... SUCK!
Ok.. my time to fill you in on my future plans: Plan on teaching 1st grade. Maybe in a Montossorri school (that is soooo spelled wrong). Live at home with my mom cause i love her.. and to save money. So pay off all my lovely loans! Then I hope to
save enough money again... so that i can drag another one of my friends who wants to teach.. along with me to back pack it in europe.. coo! no?
Sooo... I was also thinking today that you might be wondering the name Sexy Kiwi... well... Freshman year my friend would always say.. Nessa you are a fruit.. and I would respond.. what kinda fruit? And she said.. A Kiwi! Soooo i became
Sexy Kiwi!?!?!?! Intresting and detailed story no? Its better to hear in person cause then i can do the voice inflictions and dialects and what not...
Oh yeah I got my medicine today.. SO i bet you all are super duper happy that I wont die!!! Right? he he he. ok... maybe not...
What else.. what else have i got to say? Ahhh yes... Once again fought with the recent ex. Still pushin and sayin that I just wanted him to end things with his chick. And that I should stop pushing him away and now he sees how i really feel about him.
And my response was to get his head out of his bum! I mean.. I am not just going around thinkin... lets distroy his life!!! And now that she is gone.. we can ignore him! Cause i have just been in a bad mood... Ask any of the girls on my floor (Like you can really do that though)
I just need time to think and over analyze everything. Cause thats what I do best.. overanalyze.. finding every possible possibility.. and tryin to see something that isnt there.. just to drive myself crazy til the whole thing just blows up in my face!
Yeah so thats what last night was.. plus i was talkin to my one guy friend who goes to another college and likes this one girl on my floor.. but she doestn know this.. well she knew he used to.. but now i can tell her for sure.. so she can decide
if she wants to take it to the next step with him.. and then once again there will be another happy ending (for a while!). And i can be happy for her! Plus this guy is like SOOOOOO Sweet.. he is just a big old teddy bear! I Dunno.. just soooo sweet and will
treat her sooooo right... take her out... cuddle with her... and just little things like that. =c)
Hmmm yeah.. thats all i can think of right now... I think i am actually going to go down the hall an tell the chica the update.. so buh bye till then! Oct 26,99 Tues@ 11:23AM
Well it is another lovely tues.. went to my lovely 9o'clock class... Didnt have it at all last week cause my prof was in Japan. So Didnt say hi to the guy that i was in the haunted house with... was going to but he was busy talkin to some chick.. so i just ate my
lovely granola bar an sprite! Nutricious no? Yeah so then ran into this sweet guy that was supposed to walk with me to class... but he woke up late. =c( OH MY GOSH! I forgot to tell you what happened last night with my guy friend and the chica on the floor (lots of chica's!) Yea so we ended up stayin in her room till like 2.. and her roomate and i were being bluntly obvious that they like each other.. sayin oh its bed time...
go up to bed both of you... he hehe.. and stuff like that... anywhoo.. it was fun... and hopefully they will get together and live happily ever after! Does that ever really happen? Oh well.
Still no one has really signed my guest book or e-mailed me... but the number of people on my webpage is slowly going up... like 3-10 a day.. which isnt much... considering not that many people know of it. If you do actually get in contact with me... tell me how you did find me!
Just talked to a friend on AOL... the one that i usually walk to class with on tues and thurs.. he is busy playin NES. Oh well... he is really cool! he makes these silly videos bout power rangers! I watched 2 episodes i think one night... oh they are really cool.. and he puts so much time and effort
into the animation? Where you take a picture of a real object. move it. take a picture. move it. another picture.. and so on.. kinda like claymation. Anywhoo.. its cool! I hope that he can find a pretty swell girl on campus or where ever. From the ex's that I have seen.. he always seems to have
very pretty girlfriends. See even the nice guys only date the pretty ones =c( Oh well thats life.
Well I think I am going to clean my desk now and let you all get back to surfing the web!
10:58PM
Yes well now its almost 11. Tonight went to dinner with two girls from the floor. Dinner was ok... Saw another guy friend... Sitting at a table of like 5 girls.. silly old boy. Dinner kinda sucked. Then watched That 70's Show!! Great Show! Then I helped decorate our floor for the decorating contest...
And then I went with two more chicas to get signatures... saw this cute guy that one of them had been talkin bout.... very nice..
But anywhoo.. i needs to study.. I have a bio test on thurs.. and i dont need to fail!
Oct 27,99 12:05pm
Well I didnt go to bed till around 3 last night... but i still made it to my 10 o'clock ok.... although the teacher was 15 minutes late and we were all leaving but when we turned the corner.. there she was.. so we all went back to class... Then after class talked to the guys for a bit. Went to pay the
tuition, got the class handbook for next semester... then dropped off my sig book along with another girls.. and fixed the key holder in the APO door.. cause someone didnt close it right. came back to our SPOOKY HALL! Went to lunch with one of the cute chickas then I came here and just ate a Blow Pop... an I am typin to you
Such an exciting life i lead no?
Well i should fill you in on the rest of last night. I studied in the room with the three girls from APO. Then Later I came back here and started to talk online. My lovely ex finally started to talk to me. He is upset cause of this page. BC of some silly stuff that he is reading way to much into! GET OVER IT!
These are my thoughts... I need to try and let them out! Just happen to be doing it over the net! So please dont try and throw them in my face again! gees so there are some cute guys on campus... I like to look sometimes.. is that a sin?
Its not like they ever talk to me! I am invisible to guys! Unless its the friend/mommy role. Besides its not like we are dating! yeah so now that i let that out... I also talked to two other guys on campus online as well... One is the guy who dated my friend.. and i went to Western with... He is such a sweety. And
then I started to talk to this APO guy. The one that took me to get the signature last night. I had a great convo with him! Just totally clicked and talked bout intresting things. I guess he and I are in the same bout regarding ex's and how to keep it at a friendship level. Plus there were just to many strange coincidences! Like
tony the tiger, views on love, things we want to change... and stuff like that.. i doubt you really care so i wont go into it. Hope he and I start to talk on a regular basis...
Lets see what else... Oh yeah When i woke up something was wrong with AIM and it shut down.. so if i got any messages.. they are lost forever! And it doesnt seem to want to let me sign on again either! But i finally got to check my school e-mail account.. although i didnt get any.. i sent two.
So anyone care to hear my tentative plans for the day??? Well ok then! Going to finish writin on my lovely web. Study... till 3. Have class at 3-4:15... then I am going to go straight to the parkin deck.. get my car an go volunteer for BINGO!!!! Cause I really need volunteer hrs for APO.. today is midterm vote.. and i have everything but hrs
I just cant seem to get them... So volunteer till 8:30.. then drop the car off... go to Chapter at 9. And when chapter is over.. study with a chica on the floor in bio. Such an exciting plan! NO? yeah somewhere in btwn i need to find food. but i will deal with that later.. need to be a buzy bee! (thats for a certain someone.. you know you are!)
Another thing.. did you ever realize that if you leave ICQ on... a whole bunch of people from different countries will message you or add you to their list.. is there some grand thing bout america that i dont get? I mean i love it! I missed it when i went to europe.. but anywhoo. thats my thought!
Oh my gosh.. i almost forgot!!!! Yesterday I had 369 peoples that had visited my page (total since the beggining) Ok.. maybe i was wrong.. I just reloaded my page.. and it says 382 but still tis going up! Do you people even read this?
Have a spiffy day!
Oct 29,99 12:26Am.. So really late thurs... early fri.
Ok well I just got out of the shower... So lets recap my day shall we? Woke up at 7:45 am... studied... then walked to class with a cute sweet guy that is funny. He had an evil test at his 9 o'clock. So sat around history while my teacher talked bout the conspericy theory surrounding my B-day! Pearl Harbor Day! just a diff year. So then I
went to my evil bio class and had my evil bio test.. the teacher had like 4 questions taken off the test bc they either didnt make sense... or he had not gone over it.. and it wasnt in the test.. and half the other stuff was like way out there! So Nessa had a grand ol' time with that!!!!! Then I went to lunch with my friends... manacotti and nummy cookies!
Then I took notes.. and veged in front of the tv... then went to the quad to see if my APO mommy was out there.. she wasnt... oh yeah before that my friend from home called.. and invited me home! We are going to go clubbin on friday.. then go to a costume party on sat.. then go swing dancing in our costumes on sun then i drive back early monday morning!
We are both going as Rennessance chicks.. really cool and expensive costumes... from the renn. faire. yeah so after i sat outside for a while.. i went in to my lovely 4:30 class... and we got candy! we got out early at 6.. but i still missed going down to dinner.. and i heard it was spiffy.. they had a live band an cool stuf.. oh well... then i came back here..
did some e-mail... went to williams got a personal cheese pizza.. ate it... watched tv.. found the answers to the quiz we had tonight in APO.. went to APO with my mommy.. oh yeah.. cute guy stopped in my room tonight.. even though it was a mess... i was happy to see him... yeah so... decorated pumpkins and made cards in meeting.. then came here... went to geisert dance.
Saw cute guy as i was leaving.. so i went back after droppin my stuff off.. but he was gone.. so i hung out.. i knew the DJ.. but we dont talk.. he is cute and all but i dunno... yeah lots of cutes huh? need more adjetives.. or make up names for them! ok.. yeah so i did that.. and then came up.. took a shower and now i am typin to you!
Also after i made plans with my friend from back home.. i was invited to 3 parties!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!oh well.. Oh yeah there is this guy i hooked up with freshman year.. an he is commin here this weekend! ARGH! i wanted to see what he looks like with chopped hair.. he hehe oh well maybe i will see a picture! yeah right!
Hmm yeah well i have been in a depressed mood all day.. i think i am PMSing or something.. i am bloated.. and that will be uncomfy esp since i am going to have to wear my corset for two nights in a row. I feel unattractive.. and just blah... Dunno what to do.. oh well hanging with my friend will hopefully cheer me up.. but then i get to try an call my guy friend
up in chicago.. and see if he actually has time to talk to me for once.. I doubt it.. cause he is chasin a girl.. and when he is doing that.. he is too busy
Well i actually have people on IM's so talk to you all later!
Nov 4th, 99 12:41Pm Thurs.
Well its been an intresting week i guess... but anywhoo.. I had a GREAT weekend... went clubbin.. with my friend and we looked all sexy like! at least three times we were surrounded by guys... which is always fun! Then when i got back I called my ex talked to him for bout an hr. Then went to the doctors on Sat. And went to a party with my friend an her
family. Her family is really cool bout the whole drinking thing and her dad kept giving me brandy from his little container and i cant remember what they are called right now due to the lack of sleep. So anywhoo had a great time... we were the sexiest girls there in our renn. costumes... but we left early and i spent the nite over there.. be like me DONT DRINK AN DRIVE!
yeah so talked to my buddy back home in chicago!!! Sadly he didnt hook up with that chick.. oh well.. and his lazy bum still doesnt have a job! hmm ok... So that night went swing dancing... but i kept thinking all night what i wanted.. if i wanted to get back into a committed relationship or not. If i was attractive.. silly overanalzyin stuff... But i did dance with alot
of guys.. thats the great thing there.. you are always asked.. everyone is asked all the time... ok you might dance with some old grandpa types.. but man can they dance! I cant believe my friend... we were there and we met up with a guy she is kinda friends with from the first time we went there.. and he is so hittin on her... and then this other guy gives her his number!
She is engaged! and there i am single! Gees.. some girls get all the luck huh? Yeah so... anywhoo...
Tues i was up till 4:30 talkin on AIM and writting my paper for psych. then last night i was up till 2:30ish studing for History and woke up early to study more.. and its all essay.. and i always finish before everyone else.. which is scary.. cause they are all still writting away.. an for the most part.. when i am writting a paper at least.. i have a way of just
getting straight to the point.. no jibber jabber.. just confuses me... which is probably bad in an essay.. and i probably dont hit as many points as the teachers wanted.. but oh well.. i just hope i do a bit better on this oen then the last one... and then do even better on the final and then i will get an A... thats the way he works.. So we shall see.. shalnt we?
Today i have to go to class tonight an a pledge meeting... but before hand i need to photo copy my old test.. read a chapter and do a quiz/review thingy... excitement no?
oh my... Just have to say something bout tues.. well remember the guy that i talked bout earlier that i was always on the same wave lenght one night? Well it always seems to be that way. I talked to him on tues night and we were just freakin eachother out again... along with our e-mails.. like i wont say a thought bout something.. or forget to put it in. and he will agree with me
and also include my other point... or vice versa! Its scary! We started askin eachother if we were twins and didnt realize it or something.... Its really great to have a friend like that.. to tell things to.. and they comprehend... and have or are going through the same exact thing with similar frame of thoughts.. so you can help learn from eachother... I dunno just tryin to say that i
really enjoy havin someone to talk to bout things.. and know that they wont go an tell everyone or anyone anything we said in confidentialty.. just freaky bout the constant same wave length!
Nov 10th, 99 11:58Am Wens
Gees it has been a while since I have written in my diary. Well Lets talk bout my past weekend shall we? I was dead tired on friday and then i got my period(yeah yeah doubt you all wanted to know that) ANYWHOO!!! I was fallin asleep all day.. an then my APO mommy was tellin me i had to go on the over nite... SO i packed up my bags and went. We stayed in the middle of nowhere(at least it seemed)
Yea so it was cold and i wore bout 4-5 layers an my mommys hat.. all nice an fuzzy! And i was the only pledge.. although there were only bout 8 actives there. So we built a campfire.. actually our guy did... only one guy came.. he was a stud! He was surrounded by girls all nite long... including our little snuggle hr in the bed of his truck... he he Just imagine being surronded by 6 girls, everyone snuggling all
close... yeah yeah i am a girl.. but i have to admit i wouldnt mind being surrounded by guys! Yeah so the nite was filled with stars, campfires, smores, hugs, hot cocco, stuffing envelopes, donuts, leaves, and coyottes!
Hmm yeah that was fri and sat night was Hayride/Bonfire. And Me and this one girl had decided to be each other's dates... kinda like going stag... but with a buddy.. but she started hookin up with this guy recently.. and she took him. But i didnt know till we left... Soooo I ended up going with hmmmm 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Couples and then met up with 2 more couples.. so i felt really bad.. but i ended up
dancing with this one guy that is a semi-friend... Bc his date couldnt make it. I swear i have the worst luck with guys. THE WORST~!!!! Ok there are a bunch more details involved in this story. like alot.. in both nites actually... Lets just say that i get certain thoughts in my head and then reality comes crashing down. Like i think for a moment(or week or two) a cute guy could actually be intrested
in little old me! YEAH RIGHT! But i realized that I would rather be friends with them.. cause that means i can have them in my life longer. You know? Just hang out an chill! Besides... I dunno if i am ready for a relationship. Its just sometimes i meet people that i think i could be in a relationship with. We just connect at this level (see now i am talkin bout someone else)... and its just awsome
and sometimes you just want to take it to the next level.. cause thats what one would normally do. but sometimes you should just enhance the level you are at( meaning friendship). But sometimes you just wonder if you could be passin up THE ONE. OK... just a comment... I am a romantic at heart... believe there is true love and the perfect one out there... which just gets me in trouble... esp with my ex.
But i think that one of these people would be best with my mommy... i mean they get along great! And then i could still keep in touch... and have a great friendship.
For more of the Diary use the link at the top or on the main page!!!! Till I figure out a way to add a link.
I am 20 years old and currently attending college full time. My major is currently Psychology and
I am slowly adding Early Childhood Education, although I have not declared it yet.
In other words... we do volunteer work. So far it has been exciting.
And i just found out that one of my good friends... LIZ!!!! is my mommy! YEAH MOMMY!
Liz is a great girl.. and i am happy that she is my mom! Plus now I have an extra excuxe
to hang out with her and go watch soccer games.
Plus i have semi-formal tonight so i gots to get all spiffy by 5:30!!! And its already 1!
But what can you expect when you take an ex?
I have decided that at least for now i am going to try and make an update of stuff goin on in my life on this here page
Cause i figure for the most part no one reads it... And I therefore can use it as a virtual Diary for myself. So if you have any
suggestions or comments (hopefully helpful) feel free to e-mail them to me! @ SexyKiwi21@hotmail.com.
And then the four of us( one of the guys friends that went there)decided to take Nessa to her first bar! Awwwwww.....
Yes, yes.. I know.. I am 20 and this was my first bar... and the only reason i went was bc i was 20 and thats the age limit there!
So i only had one beer.. cause i have yet to fully like the taste of beer.. after all it is an aquired taste.. but i did go out on the
dance floor!!! which was fun... bc I love to DANCE!!! Yups so that was friday...
This weekend was parents weekend here at lovely ol'Bradley. And I got a chance to meet my roomies mom.
And we got a spanking brand
new blue carpet!!!!! WOO HOO we can now lay on our floor! Plus her mommy bought us candy... Which is always good!
Well thats how I felt last nite... brought a few girls along with the two guy friends i went with. And i just felt like sittin there watching
the festivites. Letting them all have fun... And in a way not feel like i was fitting in.. Kinda silly huh? Esp since I came with everyone!
but thats something you will soon find out. I have a HUGE HUGE HUGE!!! Tendancy to over analyze like EVERYTHING!!!!
btw its like 2 in the afternoon.. if anyone wants to know.
Just got back from exec meeting from APO. Still in that stupid state of mind where I feel like i am Just watchin everyone. ALready had a virtual
fight with my ex joel tonight.. bout how he thinks i was only nice to him at the beggining of the year so he would drop things with this girl nicci.
But I have just been really busy lately... APO, school.. getting all psycho! Plus he is pressuring me into getting into a committed relationship. Which
we just got out of in may... cause all we did was fight... and we are once again fighting! See the thing is he goes to a different school bout an hr away.
And i would go there every single weekend! (almost)And well he wouldnt come here. Due to the fact he had no transportation. But he was in a frat and i am shy (sometimes)
and so i felt like all i did was spend an entire weekend in his room... and was supposed to be his sex slave or something.. i dunno. So anywhoo... i gave up all last year to
with him and lost alot of friends.. and now i am a junior and had to pretty much start all over. And as easy as it might sound to start over... its not! At the beggining things were
going great! I had a new group... but then some shit came along.. and blah blah blah.. the tv has become one of my best friends yet once again. I e-mail a best friend from HS.. but
half the time she is too busy and vague to e-mail back... I dunno I always feel like i have to do everything for something to happen.. like i need to call someone 7 times before they call once!
And sometimes I just wonder if its even worth the troubles. Been thinking maybe i will just sit at home... and not bother with a social life! I mean do i really need one? But seriously! Girls are such bitches to each other
I mean they are!!!!! WE are so hard on each other and mean! And well guys.. dont get me started on guys. I seriously think all they want is SEX! Am i wrong? Ok yeah, I am sure there are a few nice guys out there
but for the most part they are all bout finding a girl to shack up with.. or at least see how much they can get off her. At my school I pretty much dont bother worrying bout how i look.
My average outfit consits of jeans and a tee-shirt... although my school feels like its constantly competing in some fashion show. but no offense i cant afford whats "in" this season just for it to change
next season! Plus lets face it.. I am an average girl.. Not in any way would i turn heads. People think I am stupid when they first meet me bc of my eyes... I have what looks to be one slight lazy eye
I have been slowly adding weight.. when i came here i weighed 108 and last night i weighed myself at a party and it said 130! Rah!... So i guess I am not one of those skinny pretty girls... just your regular chick
But I really dont care.. as long as my clothes still fit! I dunno... All i want right now.. is a group of friends and an actual nice guy to be mutually attracted to me. Is that alot to ask for?
Maybe.. maybe not...
Ok.. So as I was on my way down there.. she was walkin toward me... and then we went to her room an talked a bit.. while she tried to get the fuzzies off her black pants.. but I had to leave.. cause the Plug In was bugging my asthma. Plus I found out she is going over there
to see him this weekend.. so who knows what will happen!
So I went all by myself. Then after I left the building I ran into some other guy i knew from freshman year. He was surrounded by people.. so i just said hi and then went on toward my bio building.. where i saw some of the people i knew at the party from sat. Talked to the girl
bout how she put her bra's in the washing machine... not good.. and saw the cute guys.. and the girls bf... (tryin not to name names)yeah so then i saw one of my friends from the floor on her way to bio.. so off we went.. into bio... where i saw this cute guy that i have been lookin at for
a few weeks now.. always fun to look right? You want what you cant have.. yeah... so... he was there actually made semi- eye contact with him several times.. of course i could be totally wrong.. an stuff. So then I came back here... ran into another girl from the floor having guy/friend troubles
and listened to her.. before she went to work.. and then i checked my lovely e-mail... Did i mention that my ex sent me a spooky e-mail/greetings thing.. I love e-mail.. and i guess since we have been fighting.. he has been tryin to be extra nice.. Which is really sweet... but I dunno.
ohhh only half an hr till i get my last required signature due by tommorrow!!!! WOO HOO.. might take a chicka from the floor with. Dunno yet... time and me typin it in here can tell.
Please feel free to e-mail me!