Welcome to The Humorous Advice Column (THAC). The writers of this column will send in a letter from a historical person each Issue. The very next issue, there will be a humorous response to the letter. It's just an interesting way to see the people of history in a new light and learn about what they did. If you would like to join the THAC, please see this page:
Past Works:
Dear THAC,
I have a huge problem. And I was wondering if you could help me. For many years my army has been fighting the Trojans with only minimal success. My lead fighter Achilles has been killed and morale is low and dismal. I don't know what to do to raise that. I would like to return to Ithaca to see my wife and young son again. But I cannot leave until I know that this war is finished and over with. All my military experts have come up with plans that failed miserably. So I am at my wits end. Do you have any ideas that could help me defeat the Trojans so that I can return home?
Odysseus, King of Ithaca
~*~
Dear Odysseus-
What an Odyssey! Get in good with Athena, and Troy will be yours. Show them the meaning of the phrase "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." Baklava and folk dancing won't send the walls crumbling down, but I forsee a giant horse in your future. If all else fails, you can always buy Trojan stock in the future.
THAC Staff
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Dear THAC,
I am very worried. I keep getting this overwhelming urge to take over the world and kill everyone who isn't supporting me. I think it's a teriffic feeling, and I've seen people being killed which gives me exciliration. But you see, I'm only 8, and I'm not sure people would have a war leader who's 8. And it must be evry boys dream to be a war leader and to rule the world. But then I think; I will do it. And if they don't follow me, I'll kill them. Do you think people would take me seriously?
Adolf Hitler
~*~
Dear Hitler,
Well listen little boy. Although it may be fun to go around killing people it doesn't make it right. I know that your interest to kill others might just be an attempt to show power or just make up for a little something that you don't have below. You really should think this through because you may find yourself hanged in some bathroom and nobody will really care.
Sincerely,
THAC Staff
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Dear THAC,
I have a problem which has cost me dearly lately. My name is Mr. Cyril Evans. I am in love with a certain Ms. Lucy Downie. But lately she doesn't seem to be returning my affection. I try to apprehend her on darkened street corners at night and woo her with gifts of flowers and chocolate. But everytime I approach her she moves away and sometimes runs. Now she even has her boyfriend, Harold Bride, to harrass me. I'm wondering if it's a problem with me? Do I have an offending odor? Or am I being too desperate? Please help or else Ii might throw myself over a bridge.
Sincerely,
Cyril Evans
~*~
Dear Mr. Evans,
Apprehending someone is not the way to win their affection. If they run, you must ponder your approach. Ask yourself 'what am I doing wrong?' Is it the garlic I had with lunch, or perhaps the lack of respecting personal space? No one likes to be crowded. Nothing is truly hopeless, but the lady is sending you clear signals with avoidance. Also, you said yourself she had a boyfriend. Remember to bring a bar of soap when you throw yourself over the bridge.
Sincerely,
THAC Staff