The Bible Answer Guy

If you believe that humans enjoy an afterlife, do you also believe that animals do as well?

A. Yes, and if animals do not accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior, then they go straight to Hell where all the bad-tempered human souls do unspeakable and shocking things to them all day and all night forever and ever. Amen.

Q. How come jesus' parents didn't give him a puppy?

A. Maybe they did. Ever notice how the Bible just sort of fast-forwards over most of Jesus' childhood? It's no wonder why: Think of what the average little boy does to insects and small animals. Now imagine a little boy with the full power of God alone with a puppy. I'll bet he did all sorts of terrible things to small animals that historians were loathe to write about. There probably deformed cats and demon-possessed frogs all over the place.

Imagine the dent in the local songbird population if he had a pellet gun. Sure, he was the prince of peace... when people were looking.

I was told that the Bible came from the Catholics...is that true? If not tell me the truth...

A. The single original Bible was found in a cave in Tibet after all the New Testament books were written. Amazingly, it was printed on thin paper on an actual printing press owned by a company called Zondervan Publishing. It had maps, a concordance, illustrations and a dictionary included in it. It was even printed in English. The edition eventually found its way to King James in England, who falsely claimed it as his version.

It is a little know fact that Tibetans originally spoke Old English, hence all the "thees", "thous" and "begats", etc. The Tibetan language's origin is Old English. from when Gengis Khan visited Tibet before the Tibetans had any language and just grunted to each other.

Having said this, it is quite obvious that the Bible did not come from the Catholics. The Catholic Church headquarters is in Rome, Italy and they never spoke Old English or Tibetan there.

A Catholic by the name of Dewey Reims translated the original Bible into the Catholic version and also added a few books which he wrote himself. He called them the Apocrypha. Dewey appointed the first Pope and that's how the Catholic Church got started. From this information, you will observe that the Catholic Church is not really a true Christian church but was started by some guy.

In the 1500s, Martin Luther King started the Lutheran Church which was the first almost real Christian church. Then the Independent Fundamental Baptists took over but they didn't speak in tongues so they weren't a true Christian church. Ater that, the Assemblies of God took over. They were the first real Christian church because they are Pentecostal, believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues.

My faith and other born again Christian's faith started in the Assemblies of God Church. Unfortunately, the Assemblies weren't strict enough and God started the final actual real Christian Church, GIFTS OF THE SPIRIT PENTECOSTAL CHURCH OF BIBLEGOD ON FIRE just recently. God used Caleb Hamer and Reverend M. Francis to start it. It is the one and only true Christian church. It is located in Lansdale, PA in a storefront. Isn't it wonderful how God works in mysterious ways? If you hadn't written to me, you would have never known this.

Believe it or not, I have never even been to college or even graduated from high school.

What do you suggest?

A. What yer husband is asking is a very unselfish thing for him. He is not concerned for his own pleasure, he is only concerned about the two of you bonding. And this is one way to bond.

What most women don't know is that what he is asking you to do to him is VERY VERY painful to men. There is absolutely no pleasure involved for him. I mean, it really hurts a man while you are doing it to him. It almost hurts as bad as when you are having kidney stones or giving birth. If you don't believe me, just stop and take a look at how his eyes are shut tight and how painfully contorted his face is while you are doing it.

So you see, he is acting in a very selfless, manner and thinking only of you.

Perform the favor gladly! Twice! Afterward, get up and cook him a nice dinner with candles and a little non-alcoholic wine.

(Also gargle with Scope before you kiss him)

VLADAMIR
Wow.......that's all I can say. I am an athiest, I suppose I am going to burn in hell for that one.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
You mean burn in hell because you don't know how to spell atheist?

VLADAMIR
I don't feel like sitting here and typing up a whole big thing that makes you look like an idiot, you did that one on your own.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
So far, nobody knows what you're talking about. Maybe you do.

VLADAMIR
But I do feel that I should sen you an e-mail just because I have never seen anything quite as stupid as your web page, and I may never get a chance to e-mail someone like you again.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Just so everybody knows, Caleb and Elsie Hamer asked me to respond to your comments about their webpage. I do their light work for them.

VLADAMIR
If you really believed in Jesus then maybe you would have a little tolerance, after all that is TRULY what Jesus preached. He was loving and tolerant, nothing like your ignorant twisted views.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Yeah? Well I bet we believe in Jesus MORE than you do. You probably don't even have a website up about Jesus. Well, we have plenty of websites up about him. So that PROVES that we believe in Him and love Him more than you do.

VLADAMIR
It baffles me how someone in this day and age can not believe in evolution. Evolution is a proven theory. WE HAVE PROOF!! Look at fossils goddamnit! OOPS, I shouldn't have used the lords name. I guess I'm going straight to hell.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Whaddya mean "WE HAVE PROOF"? You the spokesman now for "Evolution Are Us"? Evolution is NOT a proven theory and you have no proof. Nothing! Fossils? So what? You are living proof of reverse evolution!

VLADAMIR
What proof do you have? "Duuuh, the bible says so" Fuck you and your ignorant minds. Who created the universe? I don't know, and neither do you goddamnit!

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Typical heathen infidel. You can't even come up with a half baked argument against evolution so you have to use the "F" word to prove your intellectual prowess.

Jehovah created the universe. And He also created you. You can deny it but you're here aren't you? I can prove God exists and that the Bible is the Word of God. Just take a look at a sunrise. Take a look at puppies being born. Take a look at how George W. Bush stole the election from Gore. If that's not proof then I'll eat Mahat.

What do you believe in? That Muslim God, Allan?

VLADAMIR
Stop claiming that you have answers. Religion is for people who are so afraid of death that they need reassurance of afterlife. You want to know what afterlife truly is?

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
We do have the answers. ALL the answers. We get them from the Bible. Where do you get yours? From The Tibetan Book of the Dead? We are not afraid to die. If I hadn't promised to pray the opening prayer at church on Sunday, I would stab muhself in the heart right this minute. So that proves we aren't afraid to die. I KNOW what the afterlife is. It is what happens after you die. Oh - and physically it is the nutrients of your dead body returning to the earth so that tree's and flowers can grow and utlize those nutrients.

VLADAMIR
It's the nutrients of your dead body returning to the earth so that tree's and flowers can grow and utlize those nutrients.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Copycat!

VLADAMIR
I'm tired so I'm gonna say one more thing. If your cock and balls and pussy are so dirty, then WHY THE FUCK DID GOD GIVE THEM TO YOU?

BIBLE ANSWER GUY

Well, my friend, it just so happens that I DON'T have a "cock and balls and pussy"! You don't even know the difference between a man and a woman do you? You better find out exactly who has what before you try writing anything else to anybody. I mean you REALLY ARE making a fool of yourself, saying I have both sex organs!
Anyway, you just proved you believe in God. You even capitalized his whole name. That is solid proof that you believe in Him. Got you on that one! Bwahahahahahaha!

And if you think genitals are so clean, why don't you try putting your tongue on a woman's genitalia? Doesn't the thought just sicken you? Ha! Got you there, didn't I? No one would ever dare lick that part where a woman pees.

VLADAMIR
Not that I believe he did, but just supposing there really was a god, why wouldn't he make humans A-Sexual if sex was so wrong? It's because there is no god, there is no heaven, there is no hell,

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Oh sure. You know so much. Well how about this. PROVE there is no God. PROVE there is no Heaven. PROVE there is no Hell. Go ahead! PROVE it! You made the statements, so now prove you are right. And don't tell me to prove that there IS a God or Heaven or Hell! I asked you first!

VLADAMIR
... nature created humans and all other creatures, so fuck you.

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Homosexual! Queer!

VLADAMIR
Religion is just a way for people to answer things they don't understand. Have fun, because if I am totally wrong and there is a god, I can GUARANTEE you this....you are going straight to hell. Have a nice day :)

BIBLE ANSWER GUY
Ohhhhhh reaaaallllllllly? I KNOW you are going to Hell in a handbasket. I am going to ask God if he will let me watch you burn for a couple of hours and listen to you scream and sizzle while I am standing before the gates of Heaven waiting to be let in. Look UP because I'll wave at you.

Unbelieving heathen!