i must write this down, before it goes away forever.. i am like the guy in momento, anything not written down will eventually be lost, but how does writing things down really secure them from being forgotten.. more importantly, how does this prove things really happened? its like memory, something we learn to trust... this is gonna be long 

i searched for love, maturity, companionship, marks, assurance, reassurance, but now, all i need, is to keep myself sane

i stand on the cliff of sanity, falling over slipping over jumping over..and every time someone has pull me back and kept me sane.. the last person was louise

"he's not a normal person, therefore you shouldn't judge him by normal standards"

that kept me sane...so i realized my sanity is kept by others, by reassuring i'm right, my sanity is kept for me by others

so, it's also ruined by others

"don't talk about dave like that...i've known him for 5 years"

  this woke me up

why did i bother trying to convince others that im right..about my break up.. why did i need such understanding from his friend, one of his best friends, to convince myself that i'm right, i don't even believe in the word "right".. but 

"don't talk about dave like that...i've known him for 5 years"

stabbed me like a knife..in the middle of the street it did.. and woke me up

"what did you say?"

"nothing..."

he shook his head, which jammed the knife into my chest even more..he was angry, i talked bad about his friend... why do i try to ruin his friend? we are all biased.. i didn't need him to shift his bias, if its bias anyway

"why do break ups end like this?"

i don't know, but a disagreement causes a break up..and disagreement is gonna keep two people like that, i can go on forever.. forever and ever, but there's a simple answer.. we are not friends because we are not trying hard enough to be friends, its kinda the same as reasons why we are not anything else we are not... but this is what i said

"i tried! i tried sooo hard to be his friend, but he wasn't ready to be friends! he didn't see me as a friend!"

or something like that

but that's not what i believed, and that's when it hit me...i'm going insane, and just when i thought i got this whole issue under control, i went under its control.. talking about it makes me insane..not talking about it makes me more insane.. and when i try to talk about it again..my insanity reaches it local maximum 

i've never done drugs, smoked, had ramdom sex or gotten piss drunk.. i'm not trying to be a "good girl", i'm just deeply afraid, afraid of waking up from any one of those, being stripped out of an illusion, and finding myself in a world where i realize i have nothing, and not just that.. i'm afraid of the feeling of being leaved behind the rest of the world..unnoticed, unseen, while watching it move forward without me

i'm afraid cause i know how that feels, i feel it in life, without drugs

i sit in my room, and watch the night fall, it wraps me like dark water, gushing in from the window, and all i can do is to float in it..watching the other windows light up, while mine darkens, stripped out of everything.. left behind.. alone.. naked... why does time only freeze on me?

"don't talk about dave like that...i've known him for 5 years"

why did i talk about him like that... i was doing everything i described of him doing, maybe i was doing it more than he was... he hurt my ego, i wanted to get it back, so i hurt his, and after it all, i try to get his best friend to "my side", i was being everything i hated..

and that's why i know i was going insane

 when i sit in my room drowning in darkness, i know i'm going insane.. and i can pinpoint the moments of my life when i'm on the verge of talking into a mental institution... 

and before i forget. this time, it started out like this:

two years, boyfriends after boyfriends.. even in between boyfriends, i had potential boyfriends to fill in the gap, and i learned what i want.. 

i want people to like me for the things they see in me

     and what i don't want

just companionship, i don't need someone to eat with me, sleep with me, shower with me, travel with me, if they can't understand me, these tasks in life i can do by myself

so when i eat with someone, it would be for that person.. not for eating

i lost the ability to live by myself for the past two years, or more accurately, i never gain them.... but at the end of it all, i sit in my room and breath in darkness, because they all end like illusions end, drugs, you have to do more each time, to compensate for the horrifying gaps in between, these gaps being the real life

i don't wanna be someone's girlfriend, i wanna be me, i am me, but i lived as someone's girlfriend

i had to be told im beautiful by someone else to believe i was truely beautiful, until he said

"you are not pretty but that doesn't matter on my part"

 that's the best comment i've ever got

i imagined myself with his baby too, i believed having his baby... and i imagined myself going on a swing to rock the baby in my tummy, after he left of course.. i was not scared to carry his baby alone.. because i wanted it for myself, for once i wanted something not for the future of a relationship, but for myself, now.

i didn't get pregnant

and he was a fleeting illusion like the rest of them, despite of what i believed again

but i learned to live alone, i liked it

i stopped caring what everyone else thought, not because i tried hard to block them out, but because i just can't bring myself to care..i stayed in my own world

that wasn't insanity, i just drifted away from the world, i am what i am sitting in my dark room, but for every second now..the world did leave me behind after all, i didn't realize my insanity yet

maybe because i spend all my time traveling between lectures alone, and the rest of the time in my room alone.. i need to communicate, to really communicate with other souls, i did not realize my insanity yet..   

until

"don't talk about dave like that...i've known him for 5 years"

pierced me awake

i care about what this man thinks...the physical pain in my chest told me so, and i think i forgot how to walk 

i laid on my bed and i cared, i cared so much i can't fall fully asleep... why do i care.. i don't think i like him "in that way", and i am drowning but i don't wanna grab just anything in sight to save myself..i chose to drown, he is just an illusion as well, but i'm desperate to make him understand me... so desperate to a level of insanity

i just hate the fact that.. this isn't really for him.. he just happens to be at the right time and right place when i grabbed... 

i wish he isn't just anyone, i wish everyone isn't just anyone

i lost my will to believe.. when did i become so pessimistic? 

maybe dave was right...i find no security in life

i smiled

"i like guys better because i think they are more intelligent" 

i need him to understand.. he is intelligent..but that isn't all it takes is it?!  intelligence is just my way of naming it, he doesn't undestand..because he doesn't need to, its my life, two people cannot really make true connections, we all live in bubbles, can't really touch each other, but then again..we can't because we are not trying hard enough to

i'm just not trying because i don't think its real

i know.. i am insane, or insecure

but i can't turn around to what i learned and unlearn it.. 

can i be van gogh, so at least people will like me after i'm dead?

only then they'll somewhat forgive me of my insanity and see me as a genious..not by everyone of course..not even then, not ever

i'm not sane enough to judge myself

sometimes i just really wanna spend time with him alone, talking with complete nakedness, so i can feel like we are the only two people on earth.. but when i ask myself if this is a sane thing to want to do, i think of the movie waterboy, how the mother forced her believes onto her son and possessed him from the rest of the world.. that's not sanity

i have to keep questioning things like that, and making references to stupid movies, so i can appear somewhat normal to him...after all, he lives in a world in which reality is defined by movies and celebrities 

he is my attempt to reconnect to that world again

maybe appearing sane to others is being insane to myself, i'm just born and raised abnormally

either way im insane

and he will not like me for who i am

i am becoming john nash, but im not even smart

"i like girls when they are still innocent"

"why is that?"

"'cause when you are smart, you think too much"

"what if i'm not smart and i still think too much, and i can never figure things out, but i can never stop thinking?"

forgot what he said after that.. but we both laughed, i like to see him laugh, and i said

"that's dave"

but that was me...

"don't talk about dave like that...i've known him for 5 years"