don't want to go to sleep, and conclude today, so much is missing

really wonder if persistence is important to me, because it is the only way i can be responsible to my past, or is it just my rejection to the possibility of a mistake?

waiting and slow love songs are not a good mix

my rationalities always loose to emotions in a night such as this... it's the possibilities that replaces my calmness with anxiety... it's the struggling optimism that keeps me living in pessimism... it's the occasional bliss that is worth all the bitterness

.........

i'll persist

it's so interesting to look two extremes of the same thing, i've always wondered, if there is such intellectual alternative to the extreme physical pleasure of sex 

and i only thought as far as two people sketching each other, nude, at the same time, the nudeness has nothing to do with sexuality, but just the awe to nature's creations, and the process of recreating such solidity onto paper and thus the mind

the process of doing art for me is like meditation for the mind...necessity of reflection, the process, not the result         

want to change the way the world thinks, with my rejection to social believes and my recklessness  

  little by little...

tonight... living in the extremes of many emotions... laughing and crying at the same time

or maybe i laughed so hard that it made cry, or vise versa

 listening to a song from long ago, is like a brief moment of time traveling back.. to my awkward and confused early-teenage years... how i stayed in my room and listened to that song...

thinking of how one thing led to another, and created my ever so quick judgment of character of the people i met, trying to seek perfection from every possible angle...

why did i crave such perfection?

i think the only thing i can fall in love with in life is just perfection

but who can provide? 

maybe just the one who provides distance...

found this ancient riddle:

At night they come without being fetched,
And by day they are lost without being stolen.

tonight was laughs and tears and waiting mixed with my old love song:

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing
That I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do!

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me
Love me love me
Say that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...

Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could do have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go

why is that out of all songs, this one came back to me at this night?

oh right... persistence is the theme tonight

i truly believe i can become someone's mistress, or play the role of any kind, to keep the one on my mind keep me on his, as long as i am the only one playing that particular role

(this momento took me 3 nights to complete)