at a young age, i have understood that existence is relative... but under the assumption that we'll never get out of this life and into another realm, our existence is also absolute... the perception of the existence of the self, and its counterpart-- the environment..

if there is the perception of a duel nature of things, like in taoism, yin to yang, man to woman, life to death, and the external to the internal...then there also exist the two complementary types of expression..

an inward expression and an outward expression

an outward expression is to share one's existence with others... through some form of communication...religion, language, music...anything cultural bound.. the purpose of which is to gain a collective existence...

even if it's done in one's private life... 

but an inward expression...dreams, hallucinations, imagination, reminiscence, or just emotions everso faint... the things you can't share for your inability to communicate... for they are too abstract to be labeled by language, and too transient to be recorded into memory... 

even if it hits you when you are in a smoky party room

or standing on the intersection of yonge and bloor

or lying beside another warm breathing body in a hotel room       

it hits you and you know a part of you lives forever alone...born alone and dies alone

i once made up a story, my extrapolation from the title "final fantasy"... the earth goes through armageddon, but two ppl survived... they clime out of the ruins on different part of the world... and of course the first thing they do is to look for other survivors, and eventually find each other, and they live together... it doesn't matter what language they each speak or their age or sex... they can only find the every aspect of humanity in each other therefore that's what they did... they are bound to each other in every possible way, i guess in modern terms, they were lovers, friends, family, enemies, business partners, sexual partners...all at once... until they died... and their lives together is the final fantasy because it's the concentration of all humanity into two beings

what a thought 

someone laughed at my story, and told me only people like me would find that intriguing...and that not everyone need to be validated by someone else's existence

i guess he meant i was antisocial but also possessive 

i guess i'm just yearning to keep as little inward expression as possible... and that's why people tell me i'm so straight forward and i don't lie

lying scares me because it means i share less of what i know or feel with anyone

and so does the idea of doing drugs

and dreaming in my sleep

and just stare out of the window at night