being able to lie on my bunk bed.. makes me think, being raised to mid air, held up against the ceiling.... i don't mean i feel like a bird locked up in a cage or something like that, even though it might look as so to others... it is really about the perspective in which i can look down...on my otherwise two dimensional life... looking at myself from above, liking looking at a piece of Post Modernism painting.. no celebration, no condemnation is suppose to be felt by the viewer.. merely the visual representation.. no emotions, just 

isolation 

no wonder why in my sleep i can think so much.. play my life like a soundless movie, i do feel emotions though, like the pain that thrusts me in the chest in the mornings, that turns physical and wakes me up...while my physical body is still begging to rest

such painful existence

the song that echoes in my mind

"'cause i'm not a star, im just me...and that is all i want to be...."

who am i kidding, if i'm all i want to be.. why do i feel rejection? but what else can i be if i'm not me?

i remember lying on the couch like a dead fish... gazing upwards.. not being able to move a hair other than the occasional blinking, a dead fish that blinks... blinking is not the hard part...the hard part is to breath... with pain like tidal waves hitting my chest from the in side, i imagined drowning in such a pain, because it is like water and that fills every corner and gap...my chest to my lungs....and i can forget to breath.. or give up on it.. so i lie there...and try hard just to breath....

       "'cause i'm not a star, im just me...and that is all i want to be...."

i give up on fancy words.. and making an impression... i can act "normal", and forgive me if i also look desolate... i only belong to a world of my own..and yes.. Buddhism, the one religion that tells one to believe in the self and the soul, one that "deals with loneliness"

  acting wild on the dancing floor, crazy lights and music can take control of my body.. but still not my mind.. and my yearning for him - a soul so parallel to mine...

i close my eyes, to completely shut my mind out of the world...to reject the possibility of being rejected by him... to avoid watching the game he plays with other people

i only concentrate on breathing.. while the music vibrates my body like a crazy leaf in the wind...

     how i can invite him in? i'm so dark inside... how i can surround him with such darkness..

"'cause i'm not a star, im just me...and that is all i want to be.

you are the star..that i'll always believe,

'cause i can, feel you...in  me"

maybe he is not a star.. but lying on my top bunk in the dark.. his existence feels like the drive behind my heartbeat.... how hard i try to reject such belief.. a star in my darkness

he is not real.. he belongs to a dance floor, crazy and drunk, playing games in my eyes...

trapped in an illusion of an illusion

the yearning.. must be a reincarnation of my life long yearning for another soul in my darkness...he must be a reincarnation of that imaginary soul in my mind... of course he would reject me...

how i avoid his eyes..while i scream inside

star...

and i try to retore my breath