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i cannot believe something as ambiguous as the definition of the male-female "love" is defined today by the media...

but the media seems to be contradicting itself with two major advertisements of "love"

there are the average romance movies, that for some reason lead people to believe that the happiness in a relationship is directly proportional to how hard the two have wanted to get together in the first place...and then we got the massive number of heart-break songs, that mourn over the general dissatisfaction with the little return of relationships

to cut it short.. these song writers are poisoned by those movie makers..

happiness between two people is not proportional to how serendipitously they have meet, how much obstacles they over come within themselves to make an confession, or how much they have longed to be together... how serious they are when they get together...how ... much they "want to die for each other".. and so on 

compatibility is really a chemistry independent of will power, and it is the only thing that governs a successful relationship... 

romance is more than just overrated...

the male-female attraction all comes down to  the need for us to reproduce.. in other words.. sex, and sex is purely physical, any emotional attachments we make with it are socially constructed... if we were not given the values that we have when we were kids, we'd still develop the physical desire for sex, but not the social responsibilities... there of course might be some psychological origin for those social values to be constructed, but they are also the by-products of the evolutionary necessity to reproduce..

so, i ponder lately, how is this "love" that troubled me so much really originated.. isolating it with my physical need for sex, because obviously something emotional is the object of desire, and it was there

there is nothing i can do but to compare it to the only other kinds of emotional attachments i have had in life.. and they have all originated in early childhood... being brought up in a chinese family, i could not be avoid being overly pampered as a child, and that kind of utter co-dependence with another person has defined my idea of "love" for life

     i knew i was the only star in my grandfathers eyes, and i knew that more than anyone in the world (it pains so much to see him age)

i never thought of being emotional independent as i grew up, i only thought of ways to find that same kind of co-dependence with other people, friends and men

i was never conscious of that until recently

but just to recall the disappointments i have had with relationships, the dissatisfactions that make me shy away now... it is all because they don't live up to the image of "love" that my childhood has superimposed on me       

that's all there is 

no need to sloganize

 to paint a sweet picture

to make a beautiful story

to sing a romantic song 

or convince myself... 

that it's not the imperfection in the man that i see, but the imperfection of my sight

knowing what i know, i can never go back to that girl i use to be, living in a romance movie induced reality

 i should no longer confuse my childish needs with the advertisement made by the media   

 

i remember being young and full of fantasies about "love"...and an adult would shake his head at me with a teasing grin 

    now i can try to be that adult