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chinese new year's eve, of the year of ram
never had i in my childhood, looked up upon the chaos of a new year, and saw myself ten years down the road, spending new year' eve in such tranquility as this
silence is like the ocean waves that periodically brush against my body as i lie motionlessly on the beach
though i've never been to a real ocean
in this calmness.. all i can feel is patches of my memories coming together, like glaciers sliding under and over each other, and i am the fish underneath, looking up at the different degrees of sunlight coming through, that colours my whole world
randomly scattered pieces of my past, resulting in a piece of writing such as this, with no logical flow
but sometimes our minds think in a way, with things tied together by something beyond logic
watched on tv that, how a person deals with rejection has to do with his social experiences as a child, a child leader would grow up having self confidence and a child reject would grow up to have much doubt and insecurity, what if i was both at different point of my childhood, a weird mix of self conflicts
"you know how i started sleeping early for the past few days?.... bad idea!..
i could'nt sleep...and i keep on waking up in the mornings......
i just dont wanna waste my time being young....and all......i need to study hard and start to work out again"
"Yes.. . ur future is more important than anything....
who knows.. what might happen in the future.....!"
"i just figured....before i can hope for anything good to happen for me.....eg. having ... or medschool... i need to really be worthy of all that... i can' t just sit here and daydream about it......."
" thats true....
worthy? how is he worthy of u........
sigh.."
the constant uneasiness brought upon my mind by remembrance of such rejection, posing doubt on my worth
sinusoidal wave
"i'll buy you a present.. what u want?"
"......"
".... just tell me what u want?? for present...."
"i dont want a present...
......."
"what do you want from ......?"
"time!"
silence is sometimes not so tranquil on the mind
essentially, having nothing and having everything is the same thing, so the best place to be is the in-between, but being me, i cannot hang in there without spending my life reaching at the everything...which gets me closer to nothing, i don't know what i fear more, to having progress, or no progress at all
sometimes, i cannot even tell the difference
"........ offered to buy me a present for new years and asked me to tell him what i want"
" .....realy? when will he give it to you? .... what did u ask for?"
"i asked for his time......
.....so tell me.......is that too forward or.......just really clever?"
".... can i say both?
what did he say?"
"nothing....hasn't replied yet
shows how my mood is in a sinusoidal wave !!"
