Movie Review: Lord of the Wu-Tang

Starring: Jet Li, Samo Hung

Features: Exploding Heart Attack, Great Solar Stance, Magic Stance, All Kung-Fu Masters can Fly, Kung-Fu as a disease, Multiple head removal, Multiple arm removal, Li-Tin Sword (clearly a light saber) action, Crazy Technicolor warfare scene, Jinx Palm Attack, Fake Jinx Palm Attack, Deadly musical instrument, Bloodsucking Pancho-villa-esque Kung Fu Master, Red Cross Rapists, Tin foil ball made of swords, Same actress plays Mom and Evil Empress, Erection Humor, Fake Shaolin, Bulbasaur Kung Fu Master, 1.5 minute gap in translation, Scent and the loss of one's Kung-Fu, Virginity and the loss of one's Kung-Fu, Best Kung-Fu Names Ever.

Memorable Lines:  "See how powerful is my cheating skill?"

"The more beautiful a woman is, the more capable she is to tell lies."

"Wu-tang Kung-Fu is nothing special."

"Damn nun! Damn nun! Damn nun!"

Best Fight: Samo Hung and Jet Li vs. Mr. Crane and Mr. Deer. 

Plot Synopsis: Mokei  (Jet Li) is injured by the Jynx Palm as a small child, and loses the ability to learn (or contract, whichever way you wish to interpret it) Kung-Fu.  When the 5 Clans come looking for the Li-Tin Sword, Mokei's father defends the secret with his heart, literally.  When his mother commits suicide to protect the secret of the great sword, Mokei is consumed with hatred for the 5 Clans.  After fleeing the Wu-Tang temple with a ninja from the Evil Sect, Mokei is infected with Great Solar Stance by the eerily Bulbasaur-esque Kung-Fu Master.  Together, Mokei and his godfather's slave girl must conquer an evil empire and preserve the sanctity of the World Of Martial Arts.

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