-This was the reaction of a friend of mine when he found out about my SI. -And this is a person who knows his way around addictions: a recovering alcoholic and a former drug-addict. Still, he couldn't comprehend: why would people hurt themselves? Why would someone mutilate his or her body, simply to feel pain? It just doesn't make sense!

Well, here are some of the reason I can come up with. These aren't excuses, and I am not trying to legitimize this behavior. I'm just trying to make the people who's loved ones are going through this, understand a little bit better what their friend/family member is going through, why he/she is going through this, and why it is so hard to stop.

feeling numb -Many people who harm say that when they do not harm, they feel nothing. Feeling the pain, and seeing the blood are thing which help these people feel alive

feeling too much -A person feels so overwhelmed with life, and so struck with a mix of emotions. This person needs to make sense in all the chaos of pain. The easiest way to do it, is to simplify the pain: When you can cause pain, when you can see pain, when you can decide when it will come and when it will go, you can get the illusion of coping. -But it's only an illusion.

testing the boundaries -Many self injurers are depressed and suicidal (though I have to stress again, that many aren't, and self injury doesn't necessarily have anything to with suicide). Many times a cut can be a test of strength: 'can I do it? how far can I go? will I have the guts?'

am I alive? -Stupid question? maybe for some people. Definitely not for me. I feel unreal so many times, like I am a dream, or just an insignificant little piece of reality. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I feel invisible to others in my life. Feeling the pain and seeing the blood when you cut, can make you feel alive again... real.

controlling pain -People who SI may feel out of control, and incapable of handling all the pain they have to cope with. Making pain a physical thing, rather then an emotional thing, helps them cope. Pain becomes something they can control: they can make it come, and they can make it go away. The truth of the matter, however, is that self-harming, like any addiction, controls the self harmer, and not the other way around.

natural drug -The body produces a natural drug to ease physical pain when injury is caused. In a way, being addicted to self-harming, is being addicted to drugs: the drugs one's body produces to handle the pain. This drug bring the self-injurer to a high feeling of relief.

self punishment -A self harmer often feels the need to punish him/her-self. Self-loathing is a very common thing in people with this illness, and many times they feel as though they "deserve the pain".

'it's my body' -Ever feel like you control nothing in your life? I've heard many self-injurers say they they didn't ask to be born, didn't ask to have the life they have, didn't ask to be the person they are. But they have their body- and they decide no one will tell them what to do or not to do with that body. 'It's my body- I'll do whatI want with it.'

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