Damn you, Aoshi-sama!

Unconsciously she repeated the phrase, the rhythm of it pounding in time with her footsteps...Damn you!

She was weaving between trees, occassionally pushing branches out of the way. One of them slipped out of her grasp and smacked her in the face, hard; in dazed surprise she sank to her knees, sobbing.

There was too much. Grief for her lost friends, her inability to do anything about Aoshi's own pain, her frustration with...with whatever her relationship to Aoshi was. Or wasn't.

Misao gave up trying to be cheerful about it, and let herself cry.

Not for long; she was very aware of the fact that it was dark, and she was in an unfamiliar place. She was also aware of the fact that Aoshi might try to follow her. True, if he did come after her there was little she'd be able to do to evade him, but she didn't want to see him. She'd yell at him, or worse, start crying again...

Not in front of Aoshi-sama. Not for this!

Determination gave her strength, and she got back to her feet, glancing up towards the stars that peeked down at her between the treetops. I'm heading in the right direction, at least. I could just go back to the dojo. She half-smiled. Sure, it'll take me all night, but I'd rather be there. I know I can find it. It's been a while since I camped out alone in the woods, and I'm not in the mood. Not really prepared for it, either.

Better to go back.

A small thought twinged in the back of her mind: Aoshi-sama would worry about her. She brushed it off. Let him. I don't care. Let him do whatever he wants. He never consults me, why should I care if he worries? He's an idiot anyway.

And so am I.

Her eyes closed briefly, in pain. But she opened them, her gaze firm and resolute, and set off back in the direction of Tokyo.

It was afternoon of the next day before Aoshi returned to Tokyo.

Misao had left, and he'd been unable to follow her. He didn't have the right- not to comfort her, not to apologize, not to follow... no right to have anything to do with her.

He'd sat staring into the fire until finally the light in it had died, forcing himself not to be concerned about the fact that she'd run off into the night, and trying to make sense of all the thoughts that filled his brain. His telling her about what had happened to their friends. Her opinion of herself as a ninja. Her reasons for calling him Aoshi-sama.

Her feelings for him, the accusations he couldn't deny, her leaving...

Her feelings...he'd never let himself examine them too closely. She'd admired him since she was just a child, for years...it began long ago, in a time when- perhaps- he might even have deserved such admiration. He had not thought much about it, thinking they would dissapate as time passed.

But here they were, now, and she was no longer a child, and he no longer deserved anything from her...

Yet she still cared about him. Or perhaps had, until last night.

I have no right to ask anything of her...nothing.

What was he doing here, far from Kyoto? Why had he followed her, interfering in her life and playing with her emotions? What right did he have to be here?

But here he was, entering Tokyo, and heading straight for the Kamiya Dojo- the only place he could think of to look for her.

I just need to know that she came back...that she's all right. That's all. After that, I'll go, and I won't interfere with her anymore. She can hate me if she wishes, as long as she's safe...

He couldn't follow her last night, but he was following her now... Always a step behind...

He could hear laughter ahead of him, squeals and shouting voices; he recognized the voices of the two girls he had seen with the group before- probably neighbors- and the voice of the boy, and the voice of the woman. Yahiko, Kamiya. They were arguing, but not seriously; when they were in Kyoto before, long ago, he'd seen enough of them to get the impression that arguing was something they did often.

But where is...

The trees parted ahead of him; he had a full view of the back yard of the dojo now, but held back so that he wouldn't be seen. Kamiya had just hit the boy on the head with a bokken and was chasing him around the yard; the two little girls with clapping and cheering her on. Himura was nowhere to be seen. On the porch, the gangster Sagara sat, playing cards with...

Aoshi's eyes widened...

...Misao?

Misao threw her hands up in the air. "Oh NO!!!!!" she cried out. "Not AGAIN!!!"

Sagara was laughing, pointing a finger at her. "I win, fair and square!"

"How? How do you keep doing it? You're the worst card player I've ever seen, so how do you keep beating me? This can't be happening!"

He smirked. "Skill, pretty one. All skill."

Something inside Aoshi tensed as he heard the former gangster's nickname for her.

"Sheer dumb luck, you mean." She sighed heavily. "All right, you won. What do I have to do?"

She's been gambling?!!?

Sagara grinned; Aoshi wanted nothing more than to march up over and punch the man in the face so hard that he'd never be able to open his mouth again, but he was too stunned by the entire turn of events to move. "You know the forfeit, pretty. Maybe two days this time?"

Misao put her hands over her face. Her response was muffled, so Aoshi couldn't hear it.

Sagara laughed. "Fine, fine. One day, but you have to come out to dinner with me, too. Fair enough?"

Misao looked up, glaring daggers at him. "You just like to watch me suffer."

"You bet." He winked, and she laughed.

"All right, all right. I'll wear that outfit one more day, and go out to dinner. But you're buying."

"Says who? I won the bet!"

She smiled sweetly. "But I used all my money just to get here from Kyoto, rooster-head. I haven't got any money. So if you want to take me out to dinner, you'd best take your newfound luck with cards and go win something to pay for it, ne?"

"Che. Women." Sagara grinned and stood up, holding out a hand to her. Misao took it and got to her feet. "You're all the same. All right, then- I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I expect to see you wearing that kimono, with your hair done up and everything. And smiling, got it?" He squeezed her hand. Aoshi's eyes narrowed.

She smiled up at him- genuinely, this time. "Deal. Now get out of here before I kick your ass."

"Hai, hai..."

Aoshi watched them banter, his mind spinning. What was going on? Since when did Misao gamble?

And since when where she and Sagara so close...?

At least this explains why she was wearing a kimono before, he thought in a daze. I was wondering about that...

"Aoshi-dono."

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of his name, though no one watching would have guessed that he was at all surprised. Slowly, he turned to find Kenshin watching him, with just a trace of amusement.

Aoshi bowed his head slightly. "Himura. I was just here to...ah..." Kami-sama, what do I say? Aoshi had never in his life felt so bewildered.

"Take me up on my offer of tea, I'd imagine," Kenshin interjected smoothly. Aoshi nodded, grateful for the other man's tact. "I just finished making some. Would you care to join me?"

He wanted to refuse, to get away from all the troubling things that had happened over the past morning and night. But if nothing else, he owed Misao an apology...he couldn't leave before that. Additionally, it would be worse than impolite to refuse Himura's request, after all the man had done for him.

And all he'd done for Misao.

Aoshi nodded. "I'd be honored."

Kenshin smiled, and turned towards the dojo. After a moment's hesitation, Aoshi followed.

There was a brief moment of silence as the two of them entered the yard. He refused to look at Misao, not wanting to know her reaction... frustration, resentment, confusion...at least he could give her a minute to regain her composure.

Thankfully, before the silence became uncomfortable, Kaoru walked forward, bowing her head slightly towards him. "Konnichiwa, Shinomori-san. Are you here to have tea with Kenshin?"

Aoshi nodded, inclining his head in return. "I hope you don't mind this intrusion..." Strange...it was a long time since he had needed to use such polite words. In Kyoto he tended to stay at the Aoiya, or in the temple, in places where words were rarely necessary at all.

Kaoru quickly shook her head. "No, not at all. You'll have to pardon all the noise, though." She grinned ruefully. "Things tend to get a bit wild here in the afternoon."

One of the two young girls chirped up at that point. "Wild! Wild!" She looked tremendously happy at being able to repeat the word, and before long she and the other girl were running around shouting it. "Wild! Wild!"

Kaoru blushed slightly. "Please excuse them, and enjoy your visit here, Shinomori-san." She smiled once more, then returned to where Yahiko was waiting behind her.

With Misao nearby.

Their eyes met by accident; he hadn't expected her to be there. A quick look of unhappiness flashed across her face, followed by resolve. She looked away. Inwardly, Aoshi winced, swearing to apologize to her as soon as the first opporunity presented itself.

"Aoshi-dono?"

Aoshi forced himself to look away from her and back towards Kenshin. The smaller man was standing on the porch, gesturing him inside. Aoshi didn't move. Kenshin looked at him quizzically.

"Let us stay outside," Aoshi said, by way of explanation. "It is a beautiful day."

Kenshin looked perplexed for a moment, then smiled. To his credit, there was no hint of I know why you really want to stay outside in the smile, but some part of Aoshi was annoyed anyway. "So it is."

They sat quietly, sipping tea and watching Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan run about. No part of the yard was safe from them; one moment they were running in circles around Yahiko, the next talking to Misao, the next begging Kaoru to juggle for them. They seemed tireless.

I wonder if I ever had that much energy...

A sudden image pierced his thoughts- Misao, four years old, climbing up trees at every possible opportunity and then forgetting how to climb back down, so that someone- usually him- would have to climb up and fetch her.

Aoshi's thoughts were broken by a discreet cough from his companion. "Forgive this unworthy one's interference," Kenshin began, "but has something happened between you and Misao-dono?"

Aoshi raised an eyebrow eloquently, and did not answer. Kenshin was undeterred. "I know it's none of my business," he said. "But I'm worried about her. She seems to have something on her mind, but refuses to speak about it to me, or even to Kaoru-dono. Whenever she thinks no one's watching, her eyes are sad, and she's been avoiding you. Before, she spoke of you often, with both affection and respect. I have to wonder what caused this change."

No one else was near them; they were sitting in a bubble of relative solitude. Nonetheless, Aoshi's eyes glanced towards Misao. She was sitting on the grass near Kaoru, polishing her kunai with a forceful expression. There was a long moment of silence as he debated whether or not to answer the question. Some whim decided that he should. "Her feelings for me are...troubling. Also misplaced."

"Do you really think Misao-dono cares about that?" Kenshin responded. "She forgave you your attack on Okina as soon as I told her that if you had truly wished him dead, he would have been."

He shrugged. "It's a child's infatuation. It will fade away if I don't encourage her."

"You underestimate her." Kenshin was looking at him very seriously.

Aoshi let his eyes meet with his former enemy's. "Before you give me advice, Himura, perhaps you should pay attention to those whom you yourself underestimate."

"Oro?" The swordsman looked puzzled. Aoshi looked significantly towards the place where Kaoru sat playing with the two little girls. Kenshin followed his gaze, and- to Aoshi's amusement- blushed slightly. "Ah. Well, maybe so."

Aoshi glanced back at the rurouni. Perhaps we have more in common than I'd realized. The thought was intriguing.

They sipped their tea, watching the children play.

Kaoru juggled four balls easily, chanting a little rhyme as she did so. Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan laughed, saying the chant along with her. Yahiko sat on the grass and watched with a smile on his face, and even Kenshin was watching from the porch where he sat with Aoshi. It warmed Misao's heart to see them all. They're a family, she thought, bemused. Just like all of us at the Aoiya. One person picked up here, and another there, all thrown together into a family. Seperate they'd be lonely, but here...they fit. Himura, too. No wonder Kaoru was so determined to chase him to Kyoto and bring him back with her. He belongs here.

Misao grinned. "Hey, Kaoru-san, that's neat. I used to be able to do that...I haven't tried for a long time, though." Too damn busy with Oniwabanshuu business...

"Really?" Kaoru caught three of the balls, but the fourth fell to the ground. She glared at it. "Mou. Anyway, you should try it for us, Misao-chan! Give it a shot!" She held out two of the balls.

Misao took them cautiously, and started juggling them in one of her hands, tossing them in a circle. She frowned slightly. "No, the weight's too strange. Here..." she dropped the balls to the ground and turned around, picking up several of the kunai she'd been polishing. She pondered them for a minute, then kept two in her hand, and gave four more to Yahiko. The boy stared at her in confusion and she grinned. "Ne, Yahiko, help me out with this, all right? Just toss those to me, one at a time, when I ask you to."

Yahiko looked at her dubiously, but nodded and stood up, waiting.

Misao held the two kunai loosely by their blades. It really has been a while since I've done this. If I'm not careful, I'll cut my fingers off. Cautiously, she tossed one up into the air. As it was at the height of its arc- about a foot and a half above her hand- the other followed, and then she was tossing them in a circle, just as she had done with the balls. She smiled. "All right, throw one of those to me. Gently."

With an awed look on his face, Yahiko complied. She caught the hilt easily in her left hand, and changed the arc of the first two kunai so that she was juggling all three, with both of her hands. I haven't forgotten. I could do this blindfolded. "Good. Yahiko, another."

She caught the next kunai as easily as she had the first, and it joined the other three. This continued until she was juggling all six, the blades dancing and shimmering in the air above her hands. Her smile had faded and was replaced by a look of grim determination. Dimly, she was aware that Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan were clapping their hands delightedly and laughing, and that Yahiko and Kaoru were staring at her with awe.

Realizing that she was gradually losing control of the pattern, she began catching the kunai by the handles. As the last one landed, Yahiko and Kaoru broke into applause.

"Wow, Misao-chan! I had no idea you were that good!" Kaoru's eyes were shining, and Misao was a bit relieved that she showed no signs of being jealous at having been outdone.

Over Kaoru's shoulder, Misao saw that Aoshi was standing beside Kenshin on the porch, talking with him absently and staring at her. What's he looking at? she thought crossly. Never mind, Misao. You don't care, right?

"Yeah! That was great! Teach me how, Misao, please? I want to be able to do that!" Yahiko tugged on her arm, and she forced her attention back to him and smiled.

"Sure, Yahiko. But I think it might be better if you start with the balls instead. You can't use a shinai very well with cuts all over your fingers!"

I don't care that he's watching. I don't. I don't care what he thinks.

Yeah, right.

Misao ignored the lump that appeared in her throat. "Hold the ball in your hand like this, Yahiko..."

Several hours and juggling lessons and a walk home with Genzai-sensei and his granddaughters later found Misao on the road back towards the dojo, humming under her breath.

Really, Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan were just too cute. It was impossible to stay unhappy for too long in their company- and the past few days aside, it wasn't like Misao to stay unhappy anyway. She'd never been one for self-pity; it got on her nerves. Why would anyone voluntarily sit around feeling sorry for themself if they could just get up and do something about it?

On the other hand, there wasn't much she could do with her own present situation. Aoshi was being an idiot and she was getting tired of dealing with it. She was especially tired of constantly having to second-guess him- trying to discern his motives, his intentions, whatever the hell he was doing.

Well, no more. If he wanted to come and talk to her about things, fine. But he could do it without her prompting. She wasn't going to help him. Let him be an idiot; she was on vacation!

She knew all this on a level of consciousness that was just below the surface- something she was aware of but not letting herself actively think about. Because underneath her determination there was a very real level of hurt that she didn't quite want to acknowledge. Also a twinge of guilt for the way she'd left the night before. Not that the things she said hadn't been deserved, but still...

Nope. Not thinking about that. Happy thoughts. Yahiko dropping balls left and right as he tried (and failed) to learn how to juggle. Good thing I didn't let him use the kunai...he wouldn't have any hands left!

She walked along, almost content, and didn't even notice the figure shadowed by the trees off to the side of the road.

"Misao."

"Aaaah!" Misao nearly jumped out of her skin. For some reason the thought But I didn't mean it! wailed in her head. She whirled around. "God, Aoshi-sama! You nearly scared me to death!"

He raised an eyebrow, stepping forward into the half-light of early evening. "You should have known I was here."

She snorted. "Even if I were ten times the ninja I am, Aoshi-sama, I still probably wouldn't have been able to notice you." The hurt she'd been ignoring had risen quickly to the surface, and it made her edgy. Her confusion at his appearance wasn't helping matters any. Whenever I think I'm prepared, he catches me by surprise. How in the hell does he do that?

He shrugged, and there was silence between them for several minutes. Misao formed several sentences in her mind, some of them apologies for her behavior the night before and some of them demands to know exactly what he thought he was doing...but she couldn't bring herself to say anything. Eventually she looked away, biting her lip. Why should I even bother? She half-turned, intending to walk away. What's the use?

His voice arrested her. "Misao."

She glanced back at him. His expression was odd, and she couldn't quite place the emotion she saw there. Remorse?

The possibility of it was enough to make her turn back towards him and wait a bit longer, curious.

"Misao, I'm...sorry."

He did sound regretful, and she believed him. But she still wanted to demand, what for?

What are you sorry for, Aoshi-sama? For pulling away from me? For following me? For...

Her heart stopped beating momentarily as she thought of another possibility.

...for not being able to love me...?

The thought made her heart twist. Even now, she thought bitterly. After all this...I still want him to love me. I still love him.

She swallowed hard, and made the only answer she could. "I'm sorry too, Aoshi-sama."

Sorry...

He looked like he had something else he wanted to say, but she didn't know if she could stand to hear it and started walking towards the dojo once more.

He's sorry. That's enough. I don't want to know what for. I just can't take any more of this today. I've been trying so hard to be strong and damn it, I will be strong. I'm not going to break down in front of him. Not again.

If he's feeling sorry because he has to tell me that he absolutely could never love me, I don't want to know about it. Not right now, not today, please...hasn't he done enough to confuse me already?

I'm not playing this game today. I just won't.

And kept walking.

He didn't follow.

kinchou: Tension/mental strain/nervousness konnichiwa: Good day

A note on juggling. It is possible to juggle six objects at one time, but it's also tricky. You have to spend a lot of time practicing. A friend of mine can do seven; it's really impressive! Realistically, Misao might not have had enough time to teach herself to juggle that many objects at once. But it's possible, and a terribly spiffy mental image, no?

A note on Kaoru's treatment towards Aoshi. I always felt (especially in the anime) that Kaoru feels kindly towards (or perhaps sorry for) Aoshi, and thus would not find it difficult to be friendly towards him, despite his cold demeanor. Perhaps she is annoyed with him because of the way he's been treating Misao, her friend...but I doubt she would interfere.