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I Can Still Remember... It's supposed to be jumbled, they're Fuu's thoughts. Oh yeah. Grab some tissues. You might need them. So now I am here. I kneel, running my trembling fingers over the smooth stone slab. Over the name inscribed in the stone. His name... Hot, salty tears spring to the back of my eyes as I whisper his name. "Ferio..." It wasn't his time to die... He was so young... I squeeze shut my eyes, clenching my teeth, as I let the tears pour down my cheeks. Again. More tears. Why did I make myself come here? I knew it would just upset me even more, but... I have to be near him. I love him. And I can still remember. I can still remember his mischevious golden eyes, so full of love I would always think I would melt whenever he looked at me. His gentle touch, and his warm, passionate kiss. How his hair felt in my fingers and how his skin felt against mine. When he'd playfully sweep me into his arms when he'd carry me off to bed each night. And the day we met... How could I ever not trust him? He's selflessly saved my life more times than I can count and he's always been faithful to me and to our love. He believed even when we were seperated, I in Tokyo and he in Cephiro, that we would be together again. I remember how every fiber of my being screamed with joy at seeing him again after so long and how it felt to have him hold me again. And when he first told me that he loved me. I can remember the day we said our vows, and every thought in my mind as I said them. The first night we made love together, and the look in his eyes. And I remember crying myself to sleep after a fight, praying that he'd stay. And he always did. I remember the day he died, every detail. I tell myself to push those memories away, but I can't. I remember the call. The shock, the confusion, the heart-wrenching cry I let out as I sunk to the floor, crying hysterically. Hikaru-san and Umi-san's arms around me, trying in vain to comfort me. ... I think how the days have passed in a blur. The past week has been worse than any hell any demon could create. I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to go on? Suicide has crossed my mind many times a day. If I take my own life, I would be able to be with him for eternity. I shake my head, remembering those that love me. I don't want them to mourn two lost loved ones, especially one that killed herself. The roll of thunder behind me shakes me from my thoughts. I look up to see that the sky has grown dark. It will most likely rain soon... I look back at his tombstone ... But I will not leave him. I can't. I can't... "Damnit," I curse. "Damn, damn, damn..." Rain begins to fall, hard. The raindrops mix with my tears and my hair and clothing become soaking wet. "I love you... Why did you have to die?... Damn yooouu..." My shoulders are again wracked with sobs. "Fuu-chan..." I whirl around at the sound of my friend's voice, wiping away my tears. Hikaru-san is standing there, looking very uncomfortable. "Fuu-chan... you're getting all wet." "Eh?" I blink at her stupidly. I lower my eyes. "Hikaru-san..." She kneels next to me in the dirt that is now turning to mud. "Fuu-chan, Umi-chan and I are here for you, okay? We'll be here for you, no matter what." I turn away my eyes. She's so unselfish, and here I am, crying and feeling sorry for myself. "Fuu-chan, we miss Ferio, too." At the mention of Ferio's name, I break down in tears again. I fall into Hikaru-san's arms, sobbing. Her warm arms come up around me, comforting me. But they aren't Ferio's. I pull out of the embrace, tucking my wet, messy hair behind my ear, curled from the rain. "Hikaru... Hikaru-san, I need to be alone right now." She nods. "Come see me or Umi-chan if you need anything," she says as she hurries off, eager to get out of the rain. I turn back to Ferio's grave. "I wanted to grow old with you, Ferio," I murmur. "I wanted to raise her with you..." I choke out through my tears as I run my hand over the slight swell of my stomach. She will never know how amazing her father was. She will only have me to depend on. "Ferio..." I whisper to him. "Ferio, she's going to need you. Ferio, I need you..." This is not fair. I'm too young. He was too young. Too young to die... I shudder as I think of how little time we've actually spent together compared to the rest of my life. Married only two years... It's just not fair. I glance at my watch and realize that I've been sitting here for over a half hour. I rub my bloodshot eyes, sore from crying. I should go home. It's not healthy for the baby if I'm getting myself sick. She's more important than me right now. But... Ferio... A warm realization washes over me. Ferio wouldn't want me to mourn this way. Mourn, yes, but not knelt in front of his grave, sobbing in the rain. He would want me warm, at home, and surrounded by loved ones. I nod to myself. I bring two fingers to my lips, kissing them gently, then place them on his name inscribed on the stone, as if I could really kiss him again. "I'll always love you," I whisper, my voice drowned out by the rain. I wipe mud off of my jeans and slowly rise to my feet, wrapping my jacket closer around me, icy wind wind playing with my messy hair. I stare at the tombstone for a moment more, then turn to go home for a long, hot bath. We have kept our vows: "till death do us part." And no matter what happens, Ferio will always be with me. Owari. © 2001 suzanami
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