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REJOICINGS UPON THE NEW YEAR'S COMING OF AGE
The Old Year being dead, and the New Year coming of age,
which he does, by Calendar Law, as soon as the breath is
out of the old gentleman's body, nothing would serve the young
spark but he must give a dinner upon the occasion, to which all the
Days in the year were invited. The Festivals, whom he deputed
as his stewards, were mightily taken with the notion. They had
been engaged time out of mind, they said, in providing mirth and
good cheer for mortals below; and it was time they should have a
taste of their own bounty. It was stiffly debated among them,
whether the Fasts should be admitted. Some said, the appearance
of such lean, starved guests, with their mortified faces, would
pervert the ends of the meeting. But the objection was overruled
by Christmas Day, who had a design upon Ash Wednesday
(as you shall hear), and a mighty desire to see how the old Domine
would behave himself in his cups. Only the Vigils were requested
to come with their lanterns, to light the gentlefolks home at night.
All the Days came to their day. Covers were provided for
three hundred and sixty-five guests at the principal table; with an
occasional knife and fork at the sideboard for the Twenty-Ninth
of February.
I should have told you, that cards of invitation had been issued.
The carriers were the Hours; twelve little, merry, whirligig footpages,
as you should desire to see, that went all round, and found out
the persons invited well enough, with the exception of Easter Day,
Shrove Tuesday, and a few such Moveables, who had lately
shifted their quarters.
Well, they all met at last, foul Days, fine Days, all sorts of
Days, and a rare din they made of it. There was nothing but,
Hail fellow Day, well met -- brother Day -- sister Day, -- only
Lady Day kept a little on the aloof, and seemed somewhat scornful.
Yet some said, Twelfth Day cut her out and out, for she
came in a tiffany suit, white and gold, like a queen on a frost-cake,
all royal, glittering, and Epiphanous. The rest came, some in
green, some in whit -- but old Lent and his family were not yet
out of mourning. Rainy Days came in, dripping; and sun-shiny
Days helped them to change their stockings. Wedding Day was
there in his marriage finery, a little the worse for wear. Pay Day
came late, as he always does and Doomsday sent word -- he
might be expected.
April Fool (as my young lord's jester) took upon himself to
marshal the guests, and wild work he made with it. It would
have posed old Erra Pater to have found out any given Day in
the year, to erect a scheme upon -- good Days, bad Days, were so
shuffled together, to the confounding of all sober horoscopy.
He had stuck the Twenty First of June next to the Twenty
Second of December, and the former looked like a Maypole siding
a marrow-bone. Ash Wednesday got wedged in (as was concerted)
betwixt Christmas and Lord Mayor's Days. Lord!
how he laid about him! Nothing but barons of beef and turkeys
would go down with him -- to the great greasing and detriment
of his new sackcloth bib and tucker. And still Christmas Day
was at his elbow, plying him the wassail-bowl, till he roared, and
hiccup'd, and protested there was no faith in dried ling, but commended
it to the devil for a sour, windy, acrimonious, censorious,
hy-po-crit-crit-critical mess, and no dish for a gentleman. Then
he dip't his fist into the middle of the great custard that stood
before his left-hand neighbour, and daubed his hungry beard all
over with it, till you would have taken him for the Last Day in
December, it so hung in icicles.
At another part of the table, Shrove Tuesday was helping the
Second of September to some cock broth, -- which courtesy the
latter returned with the delicate thigh of a hen pheasant -- so there
was no love lost for that matter. The Last of Lent was spunging
upon Shrovetide's pancakes; which April Fool perceiving, told
him he did well, for pancakes were proper to a good fry-day.
In another part, a hubbub arose about the Thirtieth of January,
who, it seems, being a sour puritanic character, that thought
nobody's meat good or sanctified enough for him, had smuggled
into the room a calf's head, which he had had cooked at home for
that purpose, thinking to feast thereon incontinently; but as it
lay in the dish, March Manyweathers, who is a very fine lady, and
subject to the megrims, screamed out there was a "human head in
the platter," and raved about Herodias' daughter to that degree,
that the obnoxious viand was obliged to be removed; nor did she
recover her stomach till she had gulped down a Restorative, confected
of Oak Apple, which the merry Twenty Ninth of May
always carries about with him for that purpose.
The King's health* being called for after this, a notable dispute
arose between the Twelfth of August (a zealous old Whig
gentlewoman,) and the Twenty Third of April (a new-fangled
lady of the Tory stamp,) as to which of them should have the
honour to propose it. August grew hot upon the matter, affirming
time out of mind the prescriptive right to have lain with her,
her rival had basely supplanted her; whom she represented as
little better than a kept mistress, who went about in fine clothes,
while she (the legitimate BIRTHDAY) had scarcely a rag, &c.
[Footnote] * The late King.
April Fool, being made mediator, confirmed the right in the
strongest form of words to the appellant, but decided for peace'
sake that the exercise of it should remain with the present possessor.
At the same time, he slily rounded the first lady in the
car, that an action might lie against the Crown for bi-geny.
It beginning to grow a little duskish, Candlemas lustily bawled
out for lights, which was opposed by all the Days, who protested
against burning daylight. Then fair water was handed round in
silver ewers, and the same lady was observed to take an unusual
time in Washing herself.
May Day, with that sweetness which is peculiar to her, in a
neat speech proposing the health of the founder, crowned her
goblet (and by her example the rest of the company) with garlands.
This being done, the lordly New Year from the upper end of the
table, in a cordial but somewhat lofty tone, returned thanks. He
felt proud on an occasion of meeting so many of his worthy father's
late tenants, promised to improve their farms, and at the same
time to abate (if any thing was found unreasonable) in their rents.
At the mention of this, the four Quarter Days involuntarily
looked at each other, and smiled; April Fool whistled to an old
tune of "New Brooms;" and a surly old rebel at the farther end
of the table (who was discovered to no other than the Fifth of
November,) muttered out, distinctly enough to he heard by the
whole company, words to this effect, that, "when the old one is
gone, he is a fool that looks for a better." Which rudeness of his,
the guests resenting, unanimously voted his expulsion; and the
male-content was thrust out neck and heels into the cellar, as the
properest place for such a boutefeu and firebrand as he had shown
himself to be.
Order being restored -- the young lord (who to say truth, had
been a little ruffled, and put beside his oratory) in as few, and yet
as obliging words as possible, assured them of entire welcome; and,
with a graceful turn, singling out poor Twenty Ninth of February,
that had sate all this while mumchance at the side-board, begged
to couple his health with that of the good company before him --
which he drank accordingly; observing, that he had not seen his
honest face any time these four years, with a number of endearing
expressions besides. At the same time, removing the solitary Day
from the forlorn seat which had been assigned him he stationed
him at his own board, somewhere between the Greek Calends and
Latter Lammas.
Ash Wednesday, being now called upon for a song, with his
eyes fast stuck in his head, and as well as the Canary he had
swallowed would give him leave, struck up a Carol, which Christmas
Day had taught him for the nonce, and was followed by the latter,
who gave "Miserere" in fine style, hitting off the mumping notes
and lengthened drawl of Old Mortification with infinite humour.
April Fool swore they had exchanged conditions, but Good
Friday was observed to look extremely grave, and Sunday held
her fan before her face, that she might not be seen to smile.
Shrove-tide, Lord Mayor's Day, and April Fool, next joined in
a glee --
What is the properest day to drink?
in which all the Days chiming in, made a merry burden.
They next fell to quibbles and conundrums. The question
being proposed, who had the greatest number of followers -- the
Quarter-Days said, there could be no question as to that, for they
had all the creditors in the world dogging their heels. But April-Fool
who likes a bit of sport above measure, and had some pretensions to the
lady besides, as being but a cousin once removed, --clapped and
hallo'd them on, and as fast as their indignation cooled, those
mad wags, the Ember-Days, were at it with their bellows, to blow
it into a flame, and all was in a ferment: till old Madam Septuagesima
(who boasts herself the Mother-of-the-Days) wisely
diverted the conversation with a tedious tale of the lovers which
she could reckon when she was young, and of one Master Rogation-Day
in particular, who was for ever putting the question to her,
but she kept him at a distance, as the chronicle would tell -- by
which I apprehend she meant the Almanack. Then she rambled
on to the Days that were gone, the good old Days, and so to
the Days before the Flood -- which plainly showed her old head to
be a little better than crazed and doited.
Day being ended, the Days called for their cloaks and great
coats, and took their leaves. Lord-Mayor's-Day went off in a
Mist, as usual, Shortest-Day in a deep black Fog, that wrapt the
little gentleman all round like a hedge-hog. Two Vigils -- so
watchmen are called in heaven - saw Christmas-Day safe home--
they had been used to the business bore. Another Vigil -- a
stout, sturdy patrole, called the Eve-of-St.-Christopher -- seeing
Ash-Wednesday in a condition little better than he should be --
e'en whipt him over his shoulders, pick-a-back fashion, and
Old-Mortification went floating home, singing --
On the bat's back do I fly,
and a number of old snatches besides, between drunk and sober,
but very few Aves or Penitentiaries (you may believe me) were
among them. Longest-Day set off westward in beautiful crimson
and gold -- the rest, some in one fashion, some in another, but
Valentine and pretty May took their departure together in one
of the prettiest silver twilights a Lover's Day could wish to
set in.
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