A.J.: Come on, Jason. You have a reputation to uphold. The man who never lies -- it gives him a headache. The man who chooses his words with surgical precision. Say no when it's yes, say it's black when it's white. No, not our Jason. So, Robin tells me I'm Michael's father. Carly says I'm not. What's your story? Huh? Are you going to tell me you had a thing behind Tony's back? Back before his prebonker days?

Jason: That's right.

A.J.: Every time he left the apartment, every time he left the room, you guys would go at it. Couldn't get enough of each other.

Jason: No, we couldn't.

A.J.: Mm-hmm. Which means that you were cheating on Robin every chance you got.

Jason: Ok.

A.J.: So when Carly showed up pregnant, there wasn't much doubt in your mind that the baby was yours.

Jason: You know, I can't remember back that far. But there is no doubt I am Michael’s father.

A.J.: No. Jason, what you are and what you've been all along is a liar.

----

A.J.: How did you keep Robin quiet for so long? Because I know that she wasn't crazy about living with this. How could she?

Carly: Oh, excuse me, would you tell him that Robin is jealous? She is jealous of a little baby. And tell him why -- because of her H.I.V. She's afraid she's never going to have kids --

Jason: ok, ok, Carly --

Carly: And she can't stand the --

Jason: Carly. We're not talking about Robin. She's not here. I don't know why she said what she said, but she was wrong.

A.J.: Sorry. Cats out of the bag. Now, since we're on the subject of honesty, you want some from me? See, when Robin first said it, at first -- at first I didn't believe it. Now, if she had told me that Carly had lied to you about who Michael’s father was, well -- but you see, I always thought that it was all those dirty tricks, all those things that we Quartermaines were famous for. That's why you turned your back on us -- because you were above us, you were too pure for us. But then all the details started to make sense. They started to add up. But why would robin take you back after Michael was born? That's evidence that she'd been replaced. And why was I the one Quartermaine kept furthest away by you and a caution light flashing in your face by her?

Jason: Carly, Michael's waiting.

Carly: Did Robin give you any proof? Of course not because there isn't any.

A.J.: Well, that will change.

Carly: A.J., Michael has Jason's blood type. Now, you found that out from the hospital, not from me. Look, maybe Robin believes what she's saying, but it's a fantasy.

Jason: Carly, let's go.

Carly: Wait a second, I mean, look at the timing. It happens right when Jason and Robin break up. Does that sound, like, convenient to you? Does that sound like revenge?

Jason: Carly, I said drop it.

A.J.: She's not saying anything I don't already know. That's exactly what this is about -- your revenge on me, Jason.

----

A.J.: You never forgave me for the accident. You never will. I will always be to you just a drunk who introduced your head to a tree at 65 miles an hour, right? And no apologies, no 100 apologies, would ever change that.

But what could i do but say it and grovel? But it didn't matter. You looked right through me. My remorse meant nothing to you. In fact, you claim that your life was better off without us. But, hey, talk about your secrets, huh? You sure paid me back. You took -- you took my son. You took a year of his life away from me, and you tried to take the rest. You talk about getting even. I will never feel guilty again, Jason, ever.

Jason: A.J., you know, Michael has nothing to do with your drinking. He has nothing to do with driving or 65 miles an hour. That tree did me a favor. It's like they took my brain out and gave it back to me, laundered of all of you. I didn't steal Michael to pay you back. I didn't steal Michael, period. And I'm not going to let you, either. He belongs with his mother and me. Five minutes around that kid and you can see that.

A.J.: You know, I'd love to have five minutes with my son. You know that? I mean, those two hours that i spent with him were like -- they were like Christmas and Fourth of July all in one. It made me feel like a kid again until his jailor walked in -- which is what you are, Jason. You're not his father. You handpick the people who are allowed to go near him. You control every breath he takes. But that's going to change because I'm coming to his rescue. That's right, I'm going to get a court-ordered paternity test -- a blood test, Jason.

Carly: Fine. Fine, A.J. You know what? You do that if you want to make a front-page fool of yourself. You think our moment at Jake's complete with drunken blackout is going to touch the public hearts? Hey, our alcoholic hour did not make a baby. I may have been lonely and not very discriminating, but i wasn't crazy. I protected myself.

A.J.: Well, you better notify your parole officer because you will be having some legal troubles ahead. And believe me, it'll take a judge all of 10 minutes to sort this out. And then I'm going to take my son home, give him my name, and do everything i can to make sure that he forgets you, that you never existed.

[AJ leaves.]

Carly: Damn her. And don't you dare tell me to shut up. Jeez, I know that she hates me, but how could she do this to you? What are we going to do, Jason?

Jason: We're going to get out of here and get home to Michael. Come on.

---

[At the Quatermaine’s.]

Monica: Well, I hope you had an enjoyable evening.

A.J.: Emily's birthday.

Monica: You know the irony of this is that you didn't forget her birthday when you were drinking, before you became Mr. E.L.Q. Jr.

A.J.: Something unexpected came up. I'm sorry.

Monica: Well, do me a favor and come up with a better excuse than that when you apologize to Emily. She put on a brave front, but I could tell she was very hurt. A.J., you are the brother that she lives with. (missing line here)

A.J.: I ran into Robin Scorpio tonight. She told me she broke up with Jason.

Monica: Oh. Well. I'm sure they're both devastated. And you probably should have stayed with robin, but you could have called.

A.J.: She also told me that Jason's son isn't Jason's son. He's mine.

----

Monica: well, I don't -- why would Robin think --

A.J.: She doesn't was think- she knows. And so does Jason, even before Michael was born. Whatever he had with Carly ancient history by the time she moved in with Tony Jones.

Monica: So you and Carly?

A.J.: Yeah, that part -- it's not pretty, but, yes. I was off the wagon big time. In fact, it was one of my blackout nights, and Carly wanted to make sure it stayed that way, which is why she drugged me and dumped me in the alley. Her logic would take a team of psychiatrists to explain, but basically she wanted her baby to be Tony's. Only I knew there was a good chance it wasn't. I told her that if the baby were mine, I'd sue her for custody, which was my fatal mistake. Then Tony realized living with Carly was insane and decided to be insane without her. She needed a place to hide, and she picked Jason, who naturally said, "I cannot tell a lie, but in this case, I'll make an exception."

Monica: Are you sure this isn't something that Carly has hatched up in her--

A.J.: This is something that she moved heaven and earth to hide.

Monica: I can't believe Jason --

A.J.: I see. I see the golden boy still gets your vote. You like your grandson, and you like Jason as his father, even though it means you'll never get to see him.

Monica: It's not that.

A.J.: Sure, it is! You're not alone, mom. Given the choice, everybody would choose Jason, even me. It's why i gave him my son. I looked at a blood type on a piece of paper, and a little voice in my ear said what it's said to me all my life -- "loser." so i let it go. But i have a son now. So if you people still look at me as a loser, then the hell with you because i don't need you. I have a family of my own. I have a son who will look at me and see a father.

-----

Monica: So it appears that we're just a blood test away from knowing whether or not A.J. is a father.

Ned: And this whole birth-and-blackout saga strikes you as believable? I mean, we're not talking about Jason borrowing his big brother's varsity jacket for a year.

Monica: Well, I believe that A.J. Will make very sure of his claims before he acts on them -- or a lot of people can get hurt. A.J.: Yeah, that's true. And since I'm the only one that this current arrangement bothers, maybe I should just be big about it. What the hell, it's only a son. Most people don't have much use for them anyway, right? Monica: Do what you must. [Monica leaves room.] Ned: Jason and Carly say robin's lying or just wrong. But you are sure enough to start knitting bootees at your next A.A. Meeting? May i make a suggestion?

A.J.: (bluntly) No.

Ned: Consider keeping your mouth shut.

A.J.: Consider going to hell.

Ned: We are all going to need hip boots to wade through this --"amnesiac drunk spends hour in the sack with slut, sues for amnesiac brother's mob baby."

A.J.: May I make a suggestion? I think it's your turn to be the family drunk, Ned. I know you can use something to calm your nerves. The first Quartermaine great-grandson is mine, and I'm going to bring him home to grandfather. But I don't want you to worry too much. The worm is finally turning in my direction. But don't worry, the office of vice president in charge of paper clips will always be yours, pal.