The Last Laugh
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Q. Why are there no female Elmo dolls?
A. At the end of the assembly line, they give each one two test tickles.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Do you know what he found?
A. A natural log.
Q. How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
Q. What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A. Beer nuts are $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck.
How to keep a healthy level of insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put the garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
6) Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
9) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
10) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
11) Sing along at the opera.
12) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
13) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite sex)
14) Send an e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing (e.g., "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom in Stall #3.")
15) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
17) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
18) When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
Really Bad Pick-up Lines
1) That shirt looks becoming on you, but of course if I were on you I would becoming too.
2) I'm like FedEx, I have to be there overnight.
3) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when I fell for you.
4) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.
5) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb!
6) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
7) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
8) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
9) Is it hot in here or is it just you?
10) Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
11) Kiss me if i'm wrong but isn't your name Engelbert?
12) You must be the cause of global warming.
13) In my alphabet U and I are always together.
14) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were made in Heaven.
15) Is that a mirror in your pocket, cause I can see myself in your pants.
16) If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
17) Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
18) If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
19) I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
20) Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
21) Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!
22) True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
23) Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?
24) There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
25) You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.
26) Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.
27) Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
28) Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
29) You know what I like about you? My arms.
30) Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
31) Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you!
32) Do you like whales? Well I have a hump-back at my place.
33) If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
34) Do you like jigsaw puzzles? Let's go to my room and put our pieces together.
35) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
35) Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
Laying Off Sarah Or Jack
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
Blowing Chunks
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.
The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."
"Oh that's nothing," the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"
"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"
Prison vs Work
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right, 3 times..."
"3, hmmm, well when were they?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked..."
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you...
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again..."
"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...."
Florida Slogans
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.
FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in Florida.
FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!
FLORIDA: Once is never enough!
FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Gloves for my love
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's'birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love,
Hollingsworth
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
10 Things that piss me off -- Adam Sandler
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Get lost. What good is a cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No idiot, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling. What did you come here to do?
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind man!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it in the first place.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know smart-ass you pulled me over!
Why Trick or Treating is better than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
Things That Sound Dirty During Thanksgiving but Aren't
1. "Talk about a huge breast!"
2. "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
3. "It's Cool Whip time!"
4. "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
5. "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
6. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
7. "Don't play with your meat."
8. "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
9. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
10. "You still have a little bit on you chin."
11. "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
12. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
13. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
Why Hockey is Better Than Sex
1. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
2. The puck is always hard.
3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
4. It lasts a full hour.
5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
6. Your parents cheer when you score.
7. Periods only last 20 minutes.
8. You can count on it at least twice a week.
9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
Top ten reasons why studying is better than sex
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
Why God Never Received Tenure at any University
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
5. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
6. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
7. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
8. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
11. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
12. Some say he had his son teach the class.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Elvis and Jesus - the same?
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
The year 2000 dilemma is solved
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data centre that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated:
"Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Difficult Questions
1) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
2) If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
4) How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
5) How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
6) If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
7) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
8) Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
9) If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10) Are vegetarians prohibited from eating animal crackers?
11) Do witches run spell checkers?
12) What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
13) What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
14) When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
15) Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
16) Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
17) Why do noses run and feet smell?
18) Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
19) If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
20) Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
21) Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
22) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
23) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
24) If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
25) Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
26) Why is the third hand on a watch called the "second hand"?
27) Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
28) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
29) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
30) Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
31) Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
32) Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
33) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
34) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
35) Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
36) Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
37) Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
38) If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
39) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
40) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
41) Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
42) If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
43) In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
44) How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
45) Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
46) If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
47) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
48) If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
49) Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
50) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
51) How do you throw away a garbage can?
52) What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
53) Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
54) Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
55) Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
56) Do fish get cramps after eating?
57) Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
58) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
59) How can someone "draw a blank"?
60) How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
61) How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
62) If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
63) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
64) If God dropped acid, would he see people? If God sneezes...what should you say?
65) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
66) How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
67) How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
68) If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
69) If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
70) If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
71) If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
72) If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
73) If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
74) If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
75) If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
76) If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
77) If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
78) If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
79) Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
80) Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
81) Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
82) What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
83) What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
84) What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
85) When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
86) Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
87) Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
88) Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
89) Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
90) Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
91) Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
92) Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
93) Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
94) Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
95) Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
96) Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
97) Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
98) Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
99) Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
100) Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
101) Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
102) Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
103) Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
104) If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
105) Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
106) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
107) Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
108) Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
109) Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
110) If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
111) When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
112) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Oxymorons
Act naturally
Happily married
Almost perfect
Microsoft Works
Bittersweet
Holy war
Constant variable
Act naturally
Deliberately thoughtless
Found missing
Liquid gas
Resident alien
Minor miracle
Advanced BASIC
Nondairy creamer
Genuine imitation
Old news
Airline Food
Only choice
Good grief
Open secret
Same difference
Original copies
Almost exactly
Terribly enjoyable
Government organization
Tragic comedy
Everything except
Civil War
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Real potential
Working vacation
Rock opera
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Modern history
Honest Politician
Near miss
Jumbo Shrimp
Least favorite
Loners club
Clearly confused
Postal service
Amateur expert
Baby grand (piano)
Black light
Criminal justice
Crisis management
Deafening silence
Death benefits
Divorce court
Down escalator
Dry wine
Elementary calculus
Evaporated milk
Fast idle
Fresh frozen
Friendly argument
Gourmet pizza
Governmental efficiency
Great depression
Guest host
Half full (also half empty)
Hopelessly optimistic
Idiot savant
Industrial park
Irate patient
Mandatory option
Marijuana initiative
Mild Abrasive
Minor disaster
Mobil station
No-good Do-gooder!
Partially completed
Peacekeeper missile
Perfect idiot
Singular relationship
Standard deviation
Student teacher
Sure bet
Turbo Diesel
Unacceptable solution
Work party
Assistant supervisor
New tradition
Uninvited guest
Highly depressed
Authentic reproduction
Limited lifetime guarantee
Elevated subway
Dry lake
True replica
Forward lateral
Standard options
Mandatory volunteer
Mutual differences
Silent alarm
Wireless cable
Mercy killing
Genuine veneer
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The Last Laugh
