04-26-99 Thank you so much, dear SnowFire! I am still out here, not completely
worn out, but having to be very strict with myself about getting sleep
and eating.
Every day, I plan to get to the board, and I even have a photo to share
with you, but I start out answering my email (don't want that to pile
up!), and if there is anything I have to do to my webring, I do that,
then I have to check my yahoo mail, then I go and check Stormy (if it is
still daylight), and my plan is always to go to the board from there,
but it is like ... I finally get to Stormy, and I just relax and
everything, and realize how tired I am, and think about the work it is
going to take to get the photo to ya'll (gotta put it in geocities, in
my website files, then link to it), which means I have to go to
geocities first, and WAIT for them to upload my photo, then get back
over to the board ... and I just crap out before I can get it done,
that's all.
It is a slow process with our new dolphin, who has not been given an
official name yet. I refer to him as Whisper, because he whispers to me
sometimes, asking me not to give up on him. He has not died. And I
believe he has turned the corner and is getting better, but the medical
folks are not giving him anywhere near thumbs up. He is still considered
in critical condition, and is still having to be walked (carried) around
the recovery pool, as he is still unable to swim on his own without
support. He is still experiencing spasmic episodes, some convulsions,
has been throwing up, and is under tremendous stress from construction
work going on less than 100 feet from the pool (busting concrete, etc.),
not to mention the stress of having blood taken, the endoscopy last
Wednesday, the tube feedings every 4 hours, not to mention the
inexperienced volunteers who may come to help one time a week, for a
four hour shift, then do not come back for maybe two weeks, and have not
established a connection to him, so it is like having a stranger handle
him all over again. He is a young wild animal, a young hurt wild animal,
and he has not forgotten that. Sometimes, he realizes where he is and
what is happening, and he panics again, throwing him into stress again.
But in the last two nights, I have had him in a state of calmness for
periods of time up to 7 minutes (that is a WAY improvement), when he
propells himself through the water, and is beginning to guide himself,
but cannot hold himself upright in the water (he rolls to one side or
another and cannot right himself, and would drown if we did not support
him at all times). Also, he cannot be trusted to swim alone because of
the seizures and muscle spasms he has often, which lock up his tail and
flukes and neck. He actually contorts into an S shape in a muscle spasm
which locks him that way for up to 2 minutes at a time. And they think
he does not have sonar, which would make rehabilitation impossible, and
he would have to be euthanized because he could never survive anywhere
without his guidence system. But I know it is in there. I know he has
sonar, and he is beginning to use it ever so subtlely. And, as I say,
his spasms are becoming less severe and the periods between them is
growning longer and longer. That is improvement.
So keep those prayers headed our way. We appreciate them, and they are
helping. This will be a long uphill climb against tremendous odds ...
but they didn't think Stormy would make it either. They say his recovery
is "miraculous" ... and it can happen again. We have had this dolphin in
rehabilitation for 8 days now.
Thank you for asking. My love to our sisters. And I will be back one day
soon, with a post at least about this dolphin, because that is all that
is going on in my life right now, and it is taking every bit of energy I
have. When I am not with the dolphin, I am preparing to go back out
there, praying for him, or sleeping. But I am willing to give this
energy to this creature, in effort to be a vessel for the healing
energies to flow through me in every way I can be of assistance. The
rest is up to our Creator, who holds us all anyway.
Love,
Crow
04-28-99
This is the 10th day we have had this dolphin in
our care. Many of the experienced volunteers have stopped coming in to
take shifts with him, and so we are now relying on the inexperienced
ones who would like to learn. That is good, that we have people who are
willing to help, but since the animal is in such critical condition, it
is stressful for me and some of the others to feel comfortable turning
his care over to the inexperienced, but this is how they learn, I
suppose. This animal is already teaching so many, he is touching many
lives, and is doing good medicine work for the humans. And it is my
prayer that this is not what his primary reason for stranding was. I
hope that his spirit has not agreed to sacrafice himself for the benefit
of humans learning more about what takes the lives of our dolphins in
the Gulf of Mexico, along the Texas coastline. And, from a spiritual
point of view, that is very possible. Now, on a more positive note:
On the morning of Monday, April 26, between the hours of 4 and 8 am,
when I was with PO372 (that is his identification), myself and someone I
recruited to come in and be on the shift with me (for her healing work),
did certain prayers and invocations, and other forms of healing work on
this dolphin. At that time, he was still having seizures which would bow
his entire body out of the water in a U shape, and would hold him
paralyzed for awhile, until he would finally be released from the grip
of whatever it is that has had him. On that night, he threw up several
times, over a period of about two hours, and was pretty well drained of
energy, but still having some spasms and trembling and shivering and
seizures. At 8:00, when our shift was over, the new shift came on and
immediately took blood (which is routine on Mondays, Wednesdays, and
Fridays), which stressed him again. And, of course, he was tube fed
after that, which is also very stressful for him.
When I left the rehab tank, I went out to the beach and prayed for
another several hours, walking in the directions, and doing my own
prayer ceremonies in the way of the shaman. And I offered myself as a
vessel for his pain, to put it in simple terms.
By 2:00 pm, I was in pretty severe pain in my back. By that time, I was
done with my prayers, and had given it all over to the Creator, to
resolve in His way, according to His will ... so I just let it go, and
kind of forgot about the whole thing. As I was trying to figure out what
was going on with my back, I ruled out straining it during my shift, and
was kind of at a loss for what in the world could be causeing this. I
kind of sent out a silent question to the universe about what is this,
and what is it for? What am I supposed to recognise by having this, you
know? And an angel or somebody said something like, "Where does it
hurt?" And the only answer that came to me was, "Well, if I was a
dolphin, it would be right behind my dorsal fin." When I heard my own
answer, I remembered my prayers for earlier that morning, and quickly
called my friend who had prayed with me during the night with the
dolphin, to talk to her about what to do with this now.
Well, of course, I needed to let it flow THROUGH me, not let it get
settled in my body. So I went out into my yard, where I have planted all
the azalias, and looked around my fertile ground, gave thanks for the
richness of the earth at this place, and released the energy into the
earth to be transformed as the earth deemed best. And by that time I
needed to go to sleep. I rested well, and the pain in my back was slowly
subsiding, as if actually draining away THROUGH me, not hanging around
within me, but it seemed to be being processed as it went. And the whole
while I was very much connected to the dolphin every time I closed my
eyes.
By the time I went in the next morning, Tuesday, April 27, from 4 to 8
am, PO372 was calm in the water, and at peace, without seizures or
spasms or twitching or shivers or convulsions. He did throw up once at
5:00 am, but it was not nearly so violently as the night before, nor did
it last for very long, then, he returned to peacefulness in the water,
and began to gently move his lower body in a swimming motion, propelling
himself forward in smooth, even strokes.
I was amazed and dumbfounded, even though I realized that our prayers
and the healing work we did was successful and here was my proof ... I
was still in a state of wonderment and gratitude over this.
He remained free of spasms, seizures and everything for the entire time
I was with him, and was even calm and without seizure for his 8:00 am
feeding (by tube), it was so obvious that there had been a significant
change in his behavior, that the feeding tech commented about it.
And last night, Wednesday, April 28, during the hours between 4 and 8
am, while I was with him, he was also relaxed and calm, and a bit
stronger, so much so that he was holding himself erect in the water for
much of the time (not rolling over), so much so that I was able to
support him with only one hand, allowing him freedom of movement much of
the time. I call it improvement. I do not know what the medical staff
are calling it.
So, I feel real good about what is happening, and I thank you all for
your prayers, and ask that you not stop sending them, as often as you
think of it, as this animal is not out of the woods by any means. He has
a long way to come yet, to be able to swim on his own, and he is still
in critical condition.
I will try to get that picture out to you. And I have some video I can
capture some photos off of, too. This photo I will be sending was taken
on April 19, the first 24 hours after he had him in our care.
He got to our facility at 3:30 am on Sunday, April 18, after being
rescued from Port O'Conner, where he had stranded himself. A fishing
boat had first seen him, and had sent him back out to sea ... at the
same time, calling in the report to our hotline ... but he returned and
we were able to have our team get him to the rehabilitation tank in
about 8 hours from first report.
I will stay with him till he is out of critical condition, and keep you
posted as best I can.
Thank you for being interested, and thank you for your prayers, and
thank you for being my friends, and thank you for being who you are.
Love,
Crow.
PS: My back hardly hurts at all now, but it is still there, and I am
still linked with the dolphin.
04-29-99 It is with great sadness, and great acceptance, that I tell you I found
out last night, when I arrived at the rehabilitation tank in Galveston
for my shift from midnight to 4 am this morning, that a decision has
been made to euthanize the dolphin known as PO372. The proceedure will
take place behind closed doors at 1:30 pm on Friday, April 30.
The director of our organization, has been diligently seeking
information from recognized vets in Marine Biology all over the country
for the past few days, as to reccommendations ... giving symptoms and
test results, and hoping for someone to have found a way to treat this
dolphin ... to no avail. Also, our own well known master of Marine
Biology, has been searching. They have all been trying to find another
resolution to the condition of this animal. But they now believe that he
has irreversable neurological damage, and the most humane thing for him
is to euthanize him.
Of course, all of the volunteers are deeply saddened by this news, and
are beginning the greiving process already. (This news was given to
everyone else but me by telephone Wednesday afternoon, after 6:30 pm. I
could not be reached by phone at that time, and was scheduled to come in
at midnight for shift ... and I was told then, by a stranger, an
inexperienced volunteer who was serving her first shift with the animal,
and had never even been with any dolphin before. One of the supervisors
who I am close to had come in specifically to be able to tell me
herself, but had gone to the lab for just a minute when I came in, and
the other person got to me first, when I walked up to the pool, and
asked confidently, "How's our baby boy doing tonight?" It was like
getting hit by a mac truck ... the news. "You don't know?" she said.
Then she just blurted out, "They are going to euthanize him tomorrow.")
I wanted to let you know, because you have walked with me with concern
and support these last 11 days. I want to go ahead and make a post on
the board, too ... but I guess I needed to try to see how the words
would come out. I held back the emotions as much as I could during the
night while I was with the dolphin, because I did not want him to sence
from me any fear or greif or sadness ... but wanted to continue to have
him feel from me the same confidence and security that he has always
felt. He knows me, as I am the only one who has consistantly been with
him at a regular time each day since he has been there, and I just
wanted to always be the same for him. And I do have one more time with
him before he is put to sleep. I will be with him Friday morning from 4
to 8 am ... and then the next team will take him to noon. At that time,
the doors will be locked down, and all visitors must leave, and the
gates will be closed, and our vet, Dr. Worthy, and some of the TMMSN
staff will conduct the euthanization. A necropsy will follow soon
afterward, and experienced volunteers like myself, who have been in on
necropsies in the past, will be allowed to observe the proceedure.
But, I do not think I can be present for that, as I am familiar with the
proceedure, but not on one I have known in life. It would be like
watching the autopsy of your foster child.
But I have all of this day, to prepare for what message I want to send
this dolphin when I am with him for the last time. At the present
moment, my feelings are that I want to thank him for coming to us, and
letting us be close to him, and for offering himself so that we may
further study neurological disorders of dolphins, and that we may
somehow discover what is causing this particular disorder and is taking
the lives of so many marine mammals at this time in history.
We had a dolphin a few years ago, who came in with pneumonia that was
pretty advanced, and we lost him after a week or so. But with what we
have learned since then, if another came to us in the same condition,
there is a strong chance that we could save him. Perhaps one day, we
will know how to rehabilitate dolphins with neurological disorders, as
well ... and we will have young heros like PO372 to thank for it. I am
honored to have had this time with this animal.
I certainly hope that I do not sound too clinical as I tell you this. I
am not feeling clinical at all. I am greiving and reaching for comfort
in knowing that all things are in Devine Order, according to Devine
Plan, and trying to speak out that knowing ... but I am very much a
spiritual being, having a very human experience at this time. And I have
learned to not deny the feelings, and to allow them to flow, and to
honor them as part of this wonderful experience I am blessed to have as
a human being. My higher Self actually chose to do this human thing,
probably already knowing what it would be like, from other experiences
with humanness, and yet still chose to do it again ... so there is
something here for me in all my human experiences, and I try to look at
them all as blessings. Perhaps for me, now, learning to greive, learning
to love and let go, learning to trust without hesitation that all things
come from the Creator and all things return to the Creator, and to see
that death is life, to approach it without fear ... perhaps learning to
experience these things with grace and humility and trust is a blessing
for me at this time.
There have been so many losses in my life. Losses to death. From the
time I was very young. And I was never taught to greive. I was never
allowed to greive. Acceptance. I learned that. But not grief. So I have
held much sadness in my heart for many years, some so deep that I cannot
even reach to bring up and heal, from so long ago, so many years of just
accepting and not feeling the feelings through. So many times I was told
not to cry, to be a "big girl" about tragedies which took away the ones
I loved. Perhaps PO372 has brought me an opportunity to trigger the
grief that will eventually bring healing to my broken heart. For this, I
am truely blessed to have had this time with him, and he has come as a
healer for me. As always, I have received much more than I have given.
These are wonderful creatures, dolphins. And they, like us, each have a
purpose on this planet. When, they bring themselves to us by stranding,
they always come as teachers and healers.
If you would post this for me, dear SnowFire, I do not think I can go
through all this again on the board. I want to take some time to cry.
He is one of the most beautifully marked dolphins I have ever seen. He
has silver whisps that look like clouds that reach up from his underside
like fingers or feathers, cradleing his darker topside ... and a silver
V shape tapering past his dorsal fin to his tail, which is also tipped
in silver against dark slate grey. I do not yet know if any of the video
I have of him shows this, as I have not looked at it yet.
Thank you for your prayers and support.
Love,
Crow
question:
I guess I must be a little slow, but I don't understand exactly why it is
felt that the little dolphin must be uthinized, is it not too soon to know if
there can be recovery, even if the little guy could never be free but could
survive in a secure enviroment surely there would be someplace to place him. Snowfire
answer: No, it is a good question. And one I have asked as well. One many of the
volunteers have asked. I will be able to talk about it much better in a
day or so, and do want to tell this story from beginning to end ... but
the particular damage that the dolphin has sustained affects his sonar,
and his ability to hold himself right in the water (that means straight
up), and to swim properly, to submerge. Without the sonar, he cannot
navigate at all, he would be swimming blindly and running into the
sides, etc. Not being able to hold himself right, he would roll over in
the water, and drown. Not being able to submerge, he would be lucky to
keep his blowhole above water, but would kind of "drag" his lower body
in the water, only pumping his tail slightly, if at all, and only for
short periods of time, and could not be healthy that way. He would not
be able to feed normally.
I must say that I also feel like the conclusion was rushed to, a bit ...
but I also understand the cost of keeping an animal at the
rehabilitation tank (up to $4000.00 per day), and the fact that in the
12 days that we will have had him by tomorrow, and with all the
anitbitics and vitamens and electrolytes, stomach relaxers, the
endoscopy, the feedings, and the continual support in the water, his
condition has not shown clinical improvement, and has actually
deteriorated. To prolong this in hope of a turn around is actually
impractical, and could even be considered inhumane, as he has been in
severe pain, and there has been the fear of the strange enviornment he
is in, every time he has come to consciousness. In the last few days,
since Tuesday afternoon, he has even been getting injections of vallium,
to help reduce his stress level. To let it go on is really not in his
best interest. The blessing for him is that he is in a safe place, and
has not been left to the fate of the wild, where he would have been
taken by sharks long ago. He already had a bite from a shark but it was
not very deep or severe. He would not have lasted very long at all in
the wild, and he would not have been able to help our research team
learn more ... not as much as he is helping in this way. We have been
able to observe him for almost two weeks, and to try everything we know
to help him, and we can make his passing very peaceful and painless, and
then, he can help us even more in the necropsy, when we can search his
tissues and organs, including the brain, and we can take DNA samples and
compare it to other samples we have gathered, and continue in the
research that may one day lead to a way to help these animals.
So, this is the reasons. They would have even put him down sooner, but
because this is such a wonderful opportunity for discovery, they are
assembling doctors and sutudents from all over the area to participate
in and assist in the necropsy. Most of the animals we have found with
neurological disorders have been found dead, and we have only discovered
the cause of death after the fact. This condition has affected whales
and sea lions as well as dolphins. We now have an opportunity to come
closer to understanding this condition, perhaps what causes it, and
perhaps what can be done about it.
No, it is not too soon to determine. Not really, from the point of view
of the educated marine biologists and vets, and they really do know what
they are doing. It is emotionally too soon for many of us, as
volunteers, and as mothers and grandmothers that so many of us are ...
and we want to go on forever hoping against hope, as we would naturally
for any baby, but this really is best for the animal. He is very heavily
sedated today and yesterday, and only drifts in and out of
consciousness, like a very ill person in the hospital would do, someone
who is near death. In fact they are surprised that he is still alive
today at 1:00 pm, when I drove out there to see him again. It is very
possible that he will pass away naturally at any time. If he does, I
pray that I am the one with him when he goes. I am prepared now, and
will be able to release his spirit in joy and love and appreciation of
what he has given us. It would be like setting free a caged bird.
More in a day or so.
Love,
Crow
05-02-99 I am actually feeling a lot better. It is good to know that I must have
grown some when I wasn't looking. I mean that I seem to be able to
process sad things better and faster than I used to. I used to stay sad
inside for a long time, even when I seemed okay on the outside.
But, I am better. The network is having a "Stormy Party" today at a park
that is near my home. I think I will go to it. It will be to remember
Stormy and to rejoice in a true success story for our team. And it is
coming at a wonderful time, too. It is good to turn our hearts to the
happy endings, new beginnings that we can sometimes give to stranded
dolphins. Stormy is one in a million, and it will be good to celebrate
him.
I have found out that the necropsy showed severe brain damage that was,
of course, irreversable, as our director had thought. The vet said he
was surprised and amazed that the little fellow held on as long as he
did ... the damage was so severe. We do not know yet what causes this
condition, but we have seen it many times recently. A virus or something
gets a hold, and brain tissue dies and begins to shrink. When it does,
the space that it once took up is filled with fluid. This creates
pressure on the brain, as well as the continued deterioration of the
brain. Whisper was able to provide us with a generous data base for
further study, since he did wait until everything was ready, to be
euthanized, instead of going naturally. I spent that last morning with
him, and fully expected him to go at any time, but he held on.
I think he was trying to honor all the prayers we all were sending him,
and the healing we all sent, all of us who held the hope that he would
somehow come around and be okay ... he was bravely holding on for us, I
think ... and to be of maximum service to the necropsy team. He is a
hero, and I will never forget him.
I will still want to tell this experience, this saga, of the impact this
little dolphin had on me, and everyone else.
Thank you for being there, and for keeping close watch on me, dear
sister. It is not going unnoticed.
Love,
Crow
Latest Update
05-05-99 The following is included to bring this story full circle. The statement following came from a dear friend of CrowDancing, by the name of RunningDeerWolf.
"Lady, I don't know how you do it. It hurts just to KNOW and SEE what you do. Where do you find the strength? And how do you really deal with a loss such as this? You will be in my thoughts today and in my prayers as well."
by CrowDancing:
I was never alone with this experience! Not only was our Creator with me, but Whisper, himself, was with me ... and with everyone who helped in trying to rehabilitate him.
It may sound bizzare to some, but one of the wonderful and seemingly magical things about dolphins is that they are extremely empathic creatures, very intelligent, compassionate, and gentle, loving of mankind creatures. It is true, that part that they say about them. And, if a person is in tune with himself and his Creator, and receptive to guidance from spirit, and familiar with energy work ... then he can actually feel communication from a dolphin. One has to be able to attune himself to these things, that is true, also.
I spent a lot of time in the care-taking role, as did most of us ... ALL of us, with Whisper. And, as long as I was in that intent, that mental and emotional place, I could not hear what he was trying to tell me. You see, I have come to understand that dolphins SEND primarily, what they want to communicate. They are here to help US on the planet, not the other way around. They may very well be the superior being to us in many ways, and they are messengers. But it is very human of us to not be able to receive because we are so busy trying to send energy, prayers, healing, help, love. And they understand that.
But, once I remembered to listen to Whisper, and to honor him as whole and perfect just the way he was, to move out of the care-taker role, and into the gratitude for his energy mode, I could see how much he was giving me and all the others (wheather they realized it or not), and what an honor it was to have been among the ones he touched in a personal way, and I understood how much dolphins love the humans, and how dedicated to love they are ... that they will beach themselves to bring us closer to our own healing. They sacrafice themselves sometimes. They never come to shore by mistake. They either come to die, and teach us in that way ... or they come to be living teachers by observation in captivity, where they interact with humans on a regular basis. But they each volunteer for this.
Whisper left me with a gift of his spirit, and a better insight into myself, and a little bit more healing and understanding about the illusion of death as a separator between us. Death does not separate us. Death is life, transformed. I knew this in my intellectual mind and deep in my spirit, I knew it ... but Whisper demonstrated this to me, so that I could experience it.
So, my dear sister, to answer the question of how did I get through it ... Whisper, himself, helped me through it ... and my bottom line belief that everything is always in Devine Order, wheather I understand it or not.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to put it into words again.
I am so blessed by this whole experience, I cannot say enough.
Love,
Crow
