Things have gotten better in the past couple of years, though. Sort of. While that feeling of going to waste is not quite as strong, I still feel like I haven't nor am now doing something that would make this life a good one. But I think I know what would make my life meaningful: an intimate, intimate relationship with one or two people. You know, the kind that you can tell absolutely everything to; the kind of person who knows you better than you know yourself; the kind of person that tells you all. And if sex could be involved, so much the better.

I have a great worry that when I'm eighty years old, I'll look back on my life and go, "Shit. I am such a loser." I never really got close to anyone. I never had a confindant. I blew it all away on SimCity and Simpsons. Partly this is my fault (well maybe all). I don't go out and hang with people. I never let Josh get very close as a friend. I always felt that I had to put on at least a couple airs.

I guess what I'm saying is that the biggest thing out of life that I want is an intimate, close, unwavering, undying friend. I want someone who would be interested in reading that book of my life, regardless of how thin or uninteresting or essentially worthless it is.

Most every major move I've made in my life has been the search for this person. It is the true reason I joined DeltaSig. It is the reason I started drinking and smoking. It is the reason for a lot of my uncharacteristic actions as of late. The old me couldn't find someone, but maybe if I join a different group, I'll find someone there. Thus far I've been unlucky. Chels is a great friend, as is Shar, but they will never be that intimate one. Rossi is as close as I've come, but she can be that way with everyone; she's not my intimate, she's just a very open person who's willing to discuss everything with anyone. I love them all, but not the way I want to love someone.

I thought maybe something could come of the friendship with Fiona, but I don't think that'll happen either. She's got Aurora to be her confidant; she doesn't need me. I thought she might be opening up, but I guess she's not. She's not looking for that in me. She won't open up--she won't let me be that close. Maybe someday she'll let someone (or maybe she already has and thus doesn't need me, I don't know), but I got the distinct impression tonight that I was not to be that person.

So it's back to Square One. Now that I can essentially cross Fiona off the list, I can go forward with Jessica and not worry about some stupid love triangle thing or whatever. I certainly never wanted to go behind any backs, but if Fiona would've said something, I'd've gone with her. I feel in her somewhat of a kindred spirit in that she too is looking for something and not finding it. I thought that could be our connection and the breakthrough, since all I'd done previously hadn't brought that to pass. And I don't want to rate Jessica in second place here or anything; I just don't know her as well. I wonder if she's looking for that too...

So, Fiona, here's my heart on my sleeve. I guess you'll probably be the only one who ever reads this anyway. And this is the point of life: to find something that makes you feel like your life isn't meaningless. Not a Universal Truth or anything like that, but very selfish and individual-oriented. It's all about you and what makes you happy. I'm not sure there is a Universal Point of Life, unless it's the non-specific version of the above.

Hope I'm not hurting anyone here. Like I could--to hurt someone you have to be close to them first, and I've never achieved that.

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