Ethan's Story
Written By Ethan's Mommy
©Jason&NicoleHess
Copyright protected
I knew I was pregnant right away before any test had been taken. Jason and I
planned on going to the clinic for a free pregnancy test to find out for sure on his
next day off. I was really scared because I knew I was about 2 months along
and I had not been in to see a doctor yet. I would lay on my bed with my hand
on my belly crying and praying that our baby was okay. Finally the day came
and we went to the clinic. I took the test and we both sat nervous in the waiting
room. The nurse called my name and I went back to get the results. She told me
I was going to be a mom. I wasn’t surprised but the words coming from her
mouth sent chills up my spine. I was so excited. I went into the waiting room
where Jason was and gave him the piece of paper stating that we were going to
be parents. He was excited too. That was one of the happiest days of our lives.
My first doctor appointment was exciting, we got the first ultrasound. The
baby was tiny but it was there and it was ours. In the beginning the pregnancy
went by so quick. I started showing and gaining weight around 2 ½ months
along. I couldn’t wait to wear maternity clothes! I had a very hard time until
around 6 months because I was constantly nauseated and feeling sick. I spent
a lot of time in bed because just getting up and walking would make me sick.
Every doctor appointment went great and the baby had a strong heartbeat.
At 20 weeks we were scheduled for an ultrasound and were going to find out
the sex! We were beyond excited. We were both really sure we were having a
girl. We picked out names and they were Allysa Nicole for a girl and Ethan
Tyler for a boy. We were both in love with the names. We went in for our
ultrasound and found out we were having a boy! That was another one of the
happiest days of our lives! They scheduled another ultrasound for 2 weeks
away because the tech said she didn’t get a good look at some things because
Ethan wouldn’t cooperate.
In 2 weeks we came back and she was able to see everything she needed
but she was eerily too quiet. She just kept staring at the same spot on the
screen as if something was wrong. I got nervous but thought everything must
be alright. She left the room saying she had to talk to my doctor about
something. I had no idea what was going on. Finally, after what seemed like
forever a nurse came in and told us that the doctor wanted to see us in his
office. I didn’t know what to think but I wanted to know what was going on! He
told us that the tech saw a small mass in Ethan but didn’t know what it was. He
sent us to a Perinotologist, which is an ultrasound specialist. Our appointment
to see him was 2 weeks away. So, we went home scared and nervous
wandering what was wrong with our baby. In those 2 weeks we had a lot of
sleepless nights and shed a lot of tears. I felt a million feelings of guilt, thinking I
had done something wrong.
At the appointment with the specialist he found a tumor in Ethan’s lower left
lung. He diagnosed him with (CAM) Cystic Anamatoid Malformation. Slowly, all
our dreams and hopes were falling apart. I knew there was a chance we would
lose our son. I had already lost my first son and I didn’t think I could make it
through losing another. You spend all that time trying to protect your child and
then you soon realize it didn’t do any good. I thought as long as Ethan was
inside me I could protect him but I couldn’t. They told us that the tumor could
either grow or stay the same size. I would have to go to the specialist for the
remainder of my pregnancy so that he could monitor Ethan. Everytime we went
to the specialist we got good news that the tumor was not growing and not
showing any harm to Ethan. I went to my regular doctor every 2 weeks and to
the specialist every week. I had around 30 ultrasounds. It just felt like
something was wrong and I didn’t know what it was. In my heart something was
telling me I would never bring Ethan home. I cried constantly and just would
beg God to spare my baby. I didn’t want to believe what I was feeling but I
couldn’t help it. I thought I was just being paranoid. I begged God that if we lost
Ethan for him to just give me the strength to get through it.
At 39 weeks I went to the specialist to get my vitals monitored and an
ultrasound for them to check my amniotic fluid. My fluid was low and my blood
pressure was really high. I was already having contractions, so the decision
was made for me to be induced. I was scheduled for induction that following
Tuesday which was March 19, 2002 at 4:00am. The doctors explained to us
what would happen after Ethan’s birth so that we knew what was going on.
They would have extra nurses there and take him immediately to the neolatal
intensive care so that they could monitor his tumor and find out exactly what
they were dealing with.
At 4am they started pitocin and immediately within minutes my contractions
went from very mild to painful. I was so exhausted from not being to sleep that
night, so the nurse gave me demoral so that I could sleep. It knocked me out
right away. The next few hours I don’t remember, infact I don’t remember much
of the labor and delivery at all. I remember waking up with the worst pain in my
hips and thighs, like pressure. The nurse checked me and brought in the doctor
to give me an epidural. They told me I was ready to have it because I was 4
cms dialated. After that, I fell right back asleep. The next thing I know is being
woken up by really bright lights and all this noise. My doctor was there and told
me that I was ready to push. I pushed once and fell back asleep. They had to
wake me up to keep pushing. Well, 2 pushes later Ethan made his entrance
into the world. He was born on March 19, 2002 at 9:52am. I was only in labor
for 6 hours.
A bunch of nurses took him and started working on, then they told me they
were taking him to the NICU. I asked to him and the nurse brought him to me
for just a second. I told him I loved him. That was the only time I ever saw my
son alive without tons of tubes in him. I don’t remember anything about the rest
of that night. Everyone told me they came to visit me, but I don’t remember
that. I hemoraged after having Ethan and my blood pressure was dangerously
high, so I was on lots of medications. I woke up to hearing my husband talking,
but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I asked him what was going on
and where Ethan was. He told me we would not be able to take him home and
that he is very sick. My worst fear was that I wouldn’t be taking him home with
me, so I was terrified.
The next day they finally took me off all the meds and I begged to see Ethan.
They finally let me see him. When I walked up to him and saw my little man
with all the tubes in him I almost fell over. I thought I was going to pass out. He
looked so sick. I didn’t understand what was going on. The doctors sat us down
and told us that Ethan was sedated so that he would feel no pain. He was just
sleeping. After Ethan’s birth they did an x-ray and ultrasound on his stomach.
When they did that they found out that Ethan had a hole in his diaphram. When
he took his first breath some of his intestines floated through the whole and
lying on his lungs. They never found this when I was pregnant, so we were so
confused. They said that in most cases it’s very hard to find until after birth and
after the first breath is taken. What killed Ethan was just being born. Taking his
first breath killed him. We were so confused and just didn’t understand what
was happening around us.
The night before I was released to go home at 2:00am a nurse came into my
room to tell us that Ethan was crashing and we needed to come right away.
They told us they had been trying to revive him for a while now and are not
having any luck. Jason and I practically ran to see Ethan. When we got there I
was so shocked by what I saw. So many doctors were working on him and all
the alarms were going off. I looked at Ethan and said we’re here baby, Mommy
and Daddy are right here. At that moment, right after the words came out of my
mouth, Ethan started breathing again. Everyone was shocked by the miracle
that has just taken place. All he wanted was for his Mommy and Daddy to come
see him.
We stayed with him for about an hour, just touching him, looking at him,
talking to him and crying. That night I said the hardest thing to my son that I
have ever said to anyone in my life. I told Ethan that if it was too hard and he
wanted to go then he could. “I am so proud of you for fighting as long as you
have but this is not what living is about. Living is about enjoying life and you are
not enjoying it. Mommy will fight for you until the end but if you are done
fighting and you are tired, you can go. I will miss you and love you forever but I
will be okay.”
We went back to my room and that night I realized that I was going to lose my
son. It didn’t seem real to me until that moment. I didn’t know how I was going
to live in the world without him. The pain was so much more than I could take. I
cried all night. Jason tried to tell me he wasn’t going to die and it would be okay
but there was no consoling me. I knew what was happening. I knew that I
would never bring my son home. I would never see him do all the things that a
mother wants to see her child do. I would never hold him. Reality was too hard
to take in and my life stopped.
The next morning we went in to visit Ethan and he was doing great. The
doctors said that it was like last night had never happened because he was
doing so well. We thought that maybe Ethan would make it in the end. I told
him Mommy was going home today and I was going to shower and eat and
then be back to see him later that night. I also told him we would come back to
visit him again before I was released from the hospital. At 2:30pm that day, I
was released. All the paperwork was done, I was packed and heading to visit
Ethan. Something came over me and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see him and
say goodbye. I felt so guilty for leaving the hospital without him and I just
couldn’t get myself in the room to see him. Jason said we would just come back
that night like planned and visit him.
We went home and Jason got in the shower, I got online to update Ethan’s
website and announce that he had been born! I put all his stats up and
everything. Jason went outside to check the mail and then I was going to get in
the shower. When I got up from the desk the phone rang. My heart stopped, I
knew it was the hospital. I answered the phone and the nurse told me that we
needed to get there right away because Ethan was crashing again and they
could not relive him. That was at 5:00pm. I ran outside to tell Jason and then
we were on our way to the hospital. The hospital is about 30 minutes away and
with it being 5:00, the traffic was horrible. We still managed to get there 20
minutes later. We ran through the hospital and got to the room at 5:25pm. They
took us to some back room and left us there. We didn’t understand what was
going on. Our son was crashing, we need to see him! He needs to know that
we’re here! Finally, after what seemed like hours, a woman we had never seen
before came in and sat down in front of me. She said nothing and I just stared
at her waiting for answers. I said what’s going on? She still said nothing and I
knew what that meant. I said he’s gone? Jason started crying so loud and I
could not console him. I could not believe what was happening! How could he
be dead? They pronounced him dead at 5:21pm, just minutes before we got
there. What if we would have just gotten there earlier?
Ethan’s doctor came in and he was crying. He said he didn’t know what
happened, he couldn’t explain it. Ethan was doing so well. He just stopped
breathing and never started again. They asked us if we wanted to see our son
and hold him, we said yes. They told us that they would dress him and
everything for us and then bring him in. I left the room to go call my parents and
Jason’s Dad. They were all on their way after I told what had happened. We
wanted them to see him and hold him since they never got to while he was
there.
When I walked back into the room I saw Jason holding our son. He was
looking down at him and they just looked perfect. They fit together and for that
brief moment, I forgot that he was gone and I smiled. Then Jason looked up at
me and I saw the tears pouring from his eyes. We sat with Ethan for about 45
minutes before our parents got there.
We both held him and told him how proud we were of him and how much we
loved him. We made him a promise that day that we would give him a little
sister or brother and we would name it Tyler after him. We would give that
name to his brother or sister, no matter the sex. We told him we would keep all
his things forever and never let them go. I stared at Ethan’s lips just waiting for
him to breath. I was waiting for a miracle. But it never happened. He was so
beautiful and peaceful. I felt some comfort in knowing that he was leaving this
world exactly how he came into it. He was pure and not a bit tainted by the
world. It all just felt unreal. It wasn’t reality to me that I would never again hold
him. It didn’t seem fair at all, it wasn’t fair. He belongs here with us and I will
never understand why he isn’t.
Our parents got there and all took turns holding him. We took a lot of pictures
and just tried to make the best of the time we had with him. Soon they all left
and we were there alone with Ethan again. It seemed impossible for us to leave
him behind. After being there for hours it was 9:00 at night and we knew it was
time to leave. His little lips started changing colors and his skin got cold, the
changes made him feel gone. I couldn’t watch it anymore. We held him and told
him we loved him. We said everything we needed to say and then it was time to
put him down. We put him back in his little bed and we covered him up so tight.
I went and got a nurse to come take him, she asked us if we wanted the clothes
he was wearing and a lock of his hair. We said yes. A while later she returned
with all the things that was Ethan’s, then we left.
I remember walking out of the room and seeing all the people walking around
like normal. How could they be acting normal? Our son just died! I wanted the
world to stop because at that moment, my life had stopped. I didn’t know how
to smile, laugh, or do anything anymore. When we walked into the door of our
apartment there was Ethan’s things on the floor from the hospital, all the bags
still unpacked. In the bedroom was the bassinet waiting for him. I didn’t have it
in me to touch a thing. I just wanted to leave it. I had plugged in the wipe
warmer before we left for the hospital to have him because I wanted them
warm when we brought him home. It was still plugged in and one of the hardest
things I had to do was unplug it.
The next few days was just a blur. I don’t remember much of it, just tons of
tears. I remember trying to act so normal around others, like nothing had
happened. I didn’t want them to see me cry or hurt. I tried to play it off like I was
fine. When the doors would close, I was not fine at all. I didn’t think I would ever
be fine again. I didn’t want to live because it was just too painful.
Then the time came to plan the funeral. I don’t remember much of that either.
I think I have blocked a lot out because it’s just too much pain. I remember
picking the casket and what we wanted his stone to say and look like. I wanted
everything to be perfect and we picked all the things we thought Ethan would
like. His casket was white with little pacifiers and things on it. On his stone we
had them write “Our Little Guy” because that was what we called him when I
was pregnant. God, I miss him being inside me, he was alive inside me, moving
and breathing. Why couldn’t I just keep him in me for the rest of my life
because at least I would be able to feel him. I felt so empty, like everything I
was before he was born was just gone. How could I ever be happy again? How
do I live without my child to share my life with? I was just so broken and didn’t
know how to even start to repair my life. Picking Ethan’s outfit he would be
buried in was easy. Just a few days before he was born we bought him an outfit
for him to wear on Easter, it was the cutest little outfit. We bought a yellow
blanket and yellow hat to match the outfit. Shopping for something for your
baby to be buried in is an awful feeling. I was never going to wake up from this
nightmare was I?
Finally, the day of the funeral came. I put on my best face and told myself I
wanted to be strong that day. We had a viewing at the funeral home and then
afterwards we would go to the church for the memorial service. We walked into
the room and there was Ethan’s casket, I felt like my legs were going to give
out on me any second. I prayed it wasn’t real and that he would not be lying in
it. A huge part of me was just so happy that I was going to see Ethan again and
be able to touch him. The other part of me new this would be the last time I
would see him. I wanted to climb in with him and just never let go of him. The
nightmare just kept getting worst and worst. He looked so beautiful, he looked
the same to me as he did when he was alive. He was such a beautiful baby.
We stared at Ethan, talked to him and cried for almost an hour. We attempted
to say goodbye once again. Then we were off to the church. We had pictures
that we took framed and displayed on a table at the front of the church. I
wanted everyone who had not gotten the chance to see him to see him now.
We picked 2 songs to be played, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton and Lullaby
by Creed. After the ceremony everyone came by and hugged Jason and I on
the way out. I honestly can’t even remember most of the people that were
there. I don’t know why but I felt like I could not lose my composer that day, I
guess I didn’t want everyone to know how broken I was. I felt numb and just
wanted the day to be over.
Losing your child is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a
person. In losing your child, you lose yourself. Your world will never again be
the same and there is no getting over it, you just learn to live each day with it.
There are no right things to say because everything is just wrong. This isn’t
suppose to happen, we aren’t suppose to bury our children, they are suppose
to bury us. There will never be any understanding to this. I miss Ethan every
day of my life and always will. He is a part of me that I’m still not sure how to
live without. It was important to me to share this story because I want everyone
to understand what Ethan was. He was pure, gentle, beautiful, he never had
time to have flaws. Writing this took me almost a year and it was one of the
hardest things I think I’ve ever had to do. In writing this all my memories and
pain have come back but I’m hoping this will help me heal in some way. I held
Ethan inside me for 39 weeks, I was in labor with him for 6 hours and I
delivered him. Now all I have are pictures and my memories of him. I have
millions of regrets and still suffer with guilt. I wish I would have never left the
hospital that day, I wish I would have stayed with him. I wish I would have spent
more time with him and sat next to him every minute of the 2 days he was alive.
I wanted to be there for my son. When the end came, I just wanted to be there
with him to tell him it was okay. A quote I love is “If the end I only knew, I would
have spent more time with you.” That is so true! I just never thought I wouldn’t
have another day with him. A huge part of me wishes I would have taken him
off those machines in the very beginning and let him die in my arms. I wish I
could have held him while he was still breathing. I hate that he died alone
without me. But maybe that is how he wanted it to happen. Maybe he didn’t
want us there when he passed. Maybe he wanted to spear us that pain of
watching the life drift out of him. I cherish him and everything about him. I
cherish the moments I did spend with him and wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Our little boy fought for his life for 2 days so that we would just get a little time
with him. That is special to me. This is my story of Ethan’s life. As short as it
was, it is special just the same.
Email: nicolehess234@cox.net
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