Quinn Michael Ayrault

I talked with God in my head all the time. Bargaining with him to please let this child live. I told God over and over again that I couldn't possibly survive another loss. I also talked to Erin and asked her to keep a special eye on her brother that was growing inside of me. I felt pretty confident that God would not put me through another loss, after all he already had Erin. I would soon have my arms full again.

The first few months of pregnancy I felt so good, I felt like it was all going to turn out well this time. I had a feeling that the baby growing inside me was a boy. I told everyone that I thought I was having a boy. I went to the doctors and she did a ultra sound in her office. Besides seeing the baby she saw a grey area to the right of the baby and wasn't sure what it was. She told me and Larry that we might be having twins. I was in shock. She schueduled a more complete ultra sound at the hospital. We found out that it wasn't twins. They felt the grey area was a fold in my uterus. I was sort of relieved that it wasn't twins, but kind of sad too.

I was so amazed watching my little one on the screen. He was only about 2 months old, but boy could he move. He repeatedly jumped up and down. It was laughing and telling Larry we were in so much trouble with this kid. He would always have us on the run. He looked like he was on a trampoline, I had the funniest visions of him inside me jumping around in there.

A few weeks later I was in the bookstore looking at pregnancy books. I found one and I picked it up. I turned right to a section on morning sickness. It said that morning sickness was a sign of a healthy pregnancy, and if you weren't having any it might mean some thing is wrong. I felt the world cave in on me as I read these words. I hadn't had any morning sickness, I felt great. I tried to push these thoughts out of my head, but they were always there in the back of my mind.

A few weeks later I went to the doctor. I was excited because I knew that we would hear the heartbeat. Larry, Aarika and I waited as Dr.Gunduz jelled up my belly and put the doppler there. Silence, she moved the doppler, more silence. She then got out her ultra sound machine and tried to find any signs of a beating heart, there were none. I was crying, I wanted to scream. I didn't though, Aarika was there and she had already been so hurt by Erin's death. So I held it together for my daughter. We dropped her off at my sister-in-laws and went to the hospital. All the way there I kept telling Larry it was a mistake. That maybe when we got to the hospital they would find the heartbeat because they had better equipment then she did.

We got to the hospital and had to wait for our turn. Pregnant women were going into have their sonograms and coming out with their picture "trophys" of their babies. I was so hurt and mad that I had to sit there and watch them. We finally went in and it was confirmned that my baby was dead. How could God do this to me again! Then everyone wanted me to make a decision. They wanted me to go in and have a D&C right away. I said no. I was not ready to give up on this baby. I talked with my doctor on the phone and she reluctently agreed with my wishes. I wanted to let things happen naturally.

Larry and I went home, we eventually told the kids that this baby had died. I was a mess, and Larry didn't have the same feelings about this loss as I did. I was mad at him about this. He said he didn't know how I felt because he hadn't gotten a chance to get close to this baby yet.

The days went by and I kept expecting this child to finally misscarry, but he didn't. I finally had to make the decision to have a D&C. I still felt like it was an abortion, and I was so mad at God for making make the decision. I went in for peliminary blood work the day before, I was such a mess. I had the woman who was taking my medical history so upset and crying. I couldn't say one word without crying hystericaly. It was all I could do to answer her questions. She called my Doctor and told her I NEEDED TO TALK TO HER. I walked over to the doctors office and she and I talked. She tried to make me understand that the baby was dead. I couldn't understand it, why did God do this to me again. She told me I needed to talk with someone, and offered to get a Psychologist that worked in her office. I said no, that I would be fine. I was far from fine. The best thing Dr. Gunduz did for me that day was hold me and listen and cry with me. I will always be grateful to her for that. She had buried her father only a few days before. I knew she was hurting badly too, and she still was hurting for me.

The next day I went to the hospital and had the D&C. I was so scared, I had never had surgery before. They put a IV in me and gave me some medicine to knock me out. I came to just enough to say to Dr. Gunduz,'Please see if you can get a heartbeat again before you start." She promised she would. I woke up in a recovery room, no one was with me. I was so sick, I kept throwing up. Pretty soon someone noticed me and came over and started checking me. They were concerned. Dr. Gunduz was called and they started to explain a procedure they wanted to do to me, I said no. I fought with them in the recovery room. They took me to a room by myself. Larry was with me trying to convince me to have the procedure done. I said no, I felt fine. Pretty soon our pastor showed up, I couldn't really figure out what was going on. I later found out they thought that I was bleeding internally and that I might even die if it went untreated. Larry had called my parents, they were all upset. My dad asked me to please let them do what they wanted. I said no, I knew in my heart that I was fine and I was. I don't even remember what the procedure was, all I remember is that it sounded very unpleasent and I wasn't doing it!!

Dr. Gunduz came to visit me and told me that I was a mess inside, I was very infected and that if I hadn't had the D&C done when I did I could of died. ( I still don't know about that) All's that seemed to be on the T.V. that day was baby's being abandoned and killed. I couldn't stand it, I just cried. Why were my arm's empty and other people were killing their children.

The weeks after were very hard, I shut out everyone. I just cried all the time, Larry didn't understand at all. We fought all the time. I stopped really being involved with my family life. I was kind of just a bump on the couch. My other two sisters were pregnant, Lynda due in April and Becky in June. They went on to have healthy son's. I was so jelouse, it was to hard to hear about their babies. It still hurts to see them sometimes. I see their two boys, and know mine should be doing the thing's they are. I don't know if Quinn was a boy, but right at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt with my heart that he was. So I named my son Quinn. Two years later on August 16, 1998 I gave my son his middle name, Michael. I didn't relize I need to do this as part of my healing, But I did. I was at a Virtual Memorial and was filling out the form to add my angels. It asked for the full name, I put Quinn Michael Ayrault. When I read what I had written I started crying it was the first time my son had a full name.

I have meet so many incredible women through the internet and so many have had such an important part of my healing. I first met many of them at Parents Place. the support that can be found among the parent's on the stillborn bulletin board is enormous. If you are a born still parent and haven't been there please go see for yourself. I then signed up on a mailing list that my friend Jo Lynn Francis started,One Listyou have to sign up for the stillborn list there. It has provided me with daily comfort, tears, laughs, hopes and dreams. I then joined MOTW and I have made so many new friends there too. To all my friends on the internet, I love you guys!!