Erin's Story

"I am sorry Lori, I don't think your baby is still alive." These were the words spoken to me just minutes before I delivered my beautiful daughter, Erin Elizabeth. I knew something was wrong everyone was rushing around me and my husband, Larry. No sooner had Dr. Beaton said these words, he started telling me to push. Push? No how can I possibly do that? If I keep her inside of me, she is still mine. If I give birth to her she will leave me forever. PUSH! He yells again. No! God! No! I don't know how to do this, I repeated these words over and over. How could this be happening. I carried my daughter 6 days past her due date. How could this happen now? Babies don't just die inside their mothers, do they? My mind is racing, I should of known something was wrong. Mother are suppose to protect their children. Dr. Beaton's voice becomes very stern. You have to push this baby out now! I didn't have the urge to push, but I did it. In about 3 pushes Erin Elizabeth entered the world, silently on March 22, 1995 with the cord around her neck.
The room was quiet for a second as Dr. Beaton tried to bring her back to life, please God let her live. I looked at my husband and saw anger, hurt, and disbelief in his swollen red eyes. Dr. Beaton stood there trying to start her little heart, it was no use. Soon the room was filled with the sound of my heart breaking. My whole body was engulfed with my grief, the life I had once known was gone forever.
The nurses cleaned her up and handed her to me.I sat there in awe of her beauty. She was so pink and the sweetest little rosebud lips. Her body felt so warm and had that new baby smell, she was perfect.
Ohh Larry I am so sorry, I kept repeating with tears running down my cheeks. Dr. Beaton said that it looked like she had strangled on her cord. After a few minutes he excused himself so he could tell my parents who had now arrived at the hospital.
For a few minutes it was just me, Larry and Erin together in our room by ourselves, for a few minutes we were a family. We checked her over as any parents do with their newborn. She had all her fingers and toes, brown hair, and the most beautiful coloring. Her little chin was was dimpled like her daddy's. She was the spitting image of her 3 year old sister Aarika. Oh God, Aarika. My mind was racing again. Aarika was home expecting to hear all about her new baby sister. She had been looking forward to finally being a big sister. Now I was going to have to give her such sad news. I don't want this God! I don't want this, I screamed in my head.
Pretty soon a knock on the door, and my parents came in. My parents had driven over a hour to get to the hospital to be there to welcome their new granddaughter into the world. Now they were going to have to kiss her good-bye. When I saw my mom's face and that look in her eye's it started that wave of grief again. I wanted to be a little girl again and have my mom make it all better. But she couldn't, no one could. My husband and I were dealt the worst hand any parent could be dealt, to live our lives without one of our children.

Sadly Erin isn't the only child we have lost. February 20, 1996 we also lost a son Quinn Michael. You can read his story Here.
It has been nearly 4 years since Erin was born, she is missed so much. I have learned how to live with a piece of my heart missing. We have gone on to have a healthy daughter Lauren Jeanne Lauren has been a special miracle to me, she has helped me to heal.
Another big part of my healing has been relizing that God didn't do this to me. Erin and Quinn died because things went wrong. God could of chose to intrivine, but He didn't.
Because of losing my babies I have met the most incredible mommies. We share a common bond, the loss of our children. They have been there to pick me up when I fall and make me smile through my tears. Some of these women are on a mailing list I am on for parents of babies born still. If you have lost a child through stillbirth and would like to join us you can go to One List and search for bornstill.
Another place I have found to be so full of love is My Mom Is A Survivor. MMIAS is for parents who have lost a child at any age, please check it out.

Poem's I have written.

I would Like to thank my Mom, Erin's Mema(grandma), for all the time and effort she has put into Erin's Memorial Page. Thank You Mom!! I Love You!!

Thank you to Elizabeth for being my friend and also making these beauiful graphics. Please do not take any graphics from this page, visit Elizabeth at "Heaven's Babies"and you will find something beautiful there or she can make you something.

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