Points of Pondering
I am gay. It’s a fact of who and what I am, very much a part of my total self. I accept it without question, reservation, or any sense of shame. This was not always so, and the period from realization to acceptance took many years.
Not until shortly after my 23rd birthday did I consciously acknowledge my own gayness. Not that I simply woke up one morning and decided to be gay. In fact, I had known I was different long before that particular day. As a kid, I didn’t like the same things so many of the other boys seem to like. I wasn’t athletic, except for running. I was never very good at the macho games. As a teenager, my attention always went toward the guys, even though I dated girls. What sexual encounters I had with girls quickly became vague recollections of experiences I didn’t really enjoy. Yet, I can still remember clearly my first time with another boy at my high school and the short relationship that we shared.
Even in the Navy, it was the same. I had girlfriends and straight sex because it was what I was supposed to do in order to fit in. But it was always mechanical and hollow. Even the emotions felt forced and fake somehow. My strongest attractions, physically and emotionally, were still for other guys.
Like so many others before and since, I became adept at the denial game, burying deep the truth. Since I was a kid, I had been told queers are no good. I didn’t want to be gay. It wasn’t right. So I rationalized everything. Feelings for other guys were explained as close friendships and male bonding. Sexual encounters were due to curiosity or experimentation (although an increasing number of encounters really made rationalizing that way very difficult). Hell, I even got good at telling myself it would never happen again, even though it kept happening.
Then came the day when all previous excuses failed completely - the day I realized I had fallen in love with another man. How did I know I had actually fallen in love? How does anyone ever know? To me, it was what I had always dreamed love would be. Every moment with him was absolute joy. Every moment apart seemed a painful eternity. It was too powerful to be hidden through denial. The words actually escaped my lips, although spoken whispered only to a photo in the dark - I never told that particular guy what I felt.
That single realization did not bring immediate acceptance or openness. With it came the bitter first steps. Fear of being found out and rejected. Confusion as the conflict between the truth and the illusions I had built over the years clashed. Anguish from an intense love I could not openly confess to or expect returned. Self-loathing as I saw myself as something I had been taught to despise. I continued the illusion of being straight, but now it was an attempt to hide the truth from others.
The attempt eventually failed. The truth, like steam in a bottle, could not be restrained forever. At first, that meant leading a double life, concealing my secret in a net woven of lies and half-truths. Sneaking off to gay bars or to spend weekends with boyfriends. Sometimes seeking solace in the eyes of nameless strangers, just to escape the conflict within myself. Wanting so much to love, afraid to let it out.
Not until I left the Navy and struck out on my own did I really begin to see the self-destruction I was bringing upon myself with continuing deception. Lies to placate the military became lies to placate family and friends. More secrets and coded messages. The unbearability of it all continued to increase.
Until I finally saw the irrationality of my conflict. I was the one being hurt. It was foolish for me to continue the facade, and I realized that. I was hurting myself too deeply to feel free.
So began the process of coming out. It wasn’t easy, even though I quickly discovered most who knew me already knew I was gay. Most accepted it, although not all at once. There were some instances of rejection, but I eventually learned the sting of being pushed away for revealing the truth was far less than the endless ache from deception. Still, I had to come out of my closet. I couldn’t stay in there any longer. Only by accepting my sexuality and becoming open about it could I truly be honest with myself and the people I love.
Still, it isn’t something I look back on and laugh about. I doubt I ever will. Now I can look at the environment that forced me to endure that trial, a society that would rather I lie and be false than accept me as I am. People condemn me for being as I was born to be, as God made me. By society’s measure, I allegedly chose this lifestyle, meaning I chose to endure years of internal conflict and heartbreak.
The only choice involved was the choice to be honest or to continue lying to myself and others. I was raised by loving, caring parents and grandparents and family friends, all of whom taught me the greater value of honesty. At first, I repaid that with lies, but they understood and forgave me in the end. Now, there is no more choice in this matter. I am gay, and I accept myself as a gay person.
And I am damn proud of it.
Once again, we see that established public systems still fail to give a yankee damn about GLBT persons. The defeat of hate crimes legislation in Wyoming (if that wasn't a slap in the face, I don't know what is), the beating of Adam Colton and the flagrant disregard by the school system there regarding previous anti-gay incidents, the failure of Congress to do anything about federal hate crimes legislation. This list goes on and on and on.
So, what's the point to my rambling? It's time (again - or still) to impress upon everyone out there - gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered and supporters thereof to get off their collective duffs and take a stand. There are too few of us trying to wage a battle for our own humanity against a social force that is numerically and financially stronger. Let's not let our non-committed brothers and sisters continue with the apparent apathy. Sitting at the table, bemoaning the injustices thrust at us time and again ain't gonna change nothin'! We need to make them aware of this. Otherwise, we are never going to find the acceptance we want and deserve.
I have no intention of offending anyone actively involved. However, I have no qualms about stirring up someone who says "But there isn't anything I can do," or "It's never going to change," or (my personal favorite), "There are already enough out there doing something." To anyone who says that, I have but one response - WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!! When our brothers and sisters are being beaten and killed, there is not one single excuse that justifies inaction.
Having been part of a gay and bisexual men's support group, I have learned there are many men who, although they label themselves gay or bi, remain terribly uncomfortable with their sexual nature. What do I mean by that? Quite simply, these people live a lifestyle that can be loosely associated with being gay and share the same-sex attractions, among various other things. But, however, when it comes to the sexual aspect, they become very uncomfortable, if not downright prudish. Perhaps some of this is due to living in an era where political-correctness is all the rage. Perhaps it has much to do with the divisive attitudes that still pervade our society.
From where I stand, I also tend to see it as an exercise in being uptight, close-minded, and morally judgmental. Why is it, that when one man shows attraction to another, the recipient gets so terribly uncomfortable that his entire night is ruined? At its most basic level, such attraction should be seen as a positive thing and taken as a compliment. It doesn't mean one has to jump into bed with someone, and the recipient of the attraction always has the right to say no. Unfortunately, too many of us are caught up in some silly rituals that require people to get completely bent and blow things way out of proportion.
In so many ways, it is a sad statement of our undervelopment as a culture and society. So many people have become so wrapped up in their own lives and idiosyncrasies that they can no longer see beyond the colored veils they have woven around themselves. They have begun to deny themselves the free expression of their inner selves, of which their sexual nature is a major aspect. Being politically correct and casting favorable impressions have given way to honest and free self expression. Anyone who dares violate these society-imposed views is castigated and demonized. Who is the one who really gets hurt?
We ALL get hurt by this stupid game. And, at its very essence, that is what this game is - stupid and foolish. By playing it, we deny ourselves and all around us the opportunity to reach new levels of self-expression and growth. We are all lmited by this close-mindedness, because it reflects on the gay community as a whole. The loudest actions are those that garner the most attention - and our failure to come together even as outside forces seek to subjugate us is absolutely damning. The Religious Right and moral conservatives are the only winners when members of our own community seek to impose moral standards.
If there is to ever be a day when we, as gay or lesbian or bisexual, can ever find true acceptance in society-at-large, we have to begin by accepting those within our own community. So long as people continue to cling to conservative-prescribed principles of morality, we will never escape the crushing oppression imposed on us by the outside. In fact, we will continue to do their work for them. And, that, is the most damning defeat of all.
To say being gay is not easy in American society is probably cliché. While it may be true, it’s also fairly obvious. Not only that, but older gays and lesbians can justifiably argue things are less difficult and more open today than in earlier decades. The struggles they faced have undeniably eased the way for younger gays and lesbians.
Just as the work we do today will - hopefully - open more possibilities for the next generation. I firmly believe, deep in my heart, the day will come when we, as gay men and lesbians, will find the acceptance and equality we seek in this society. It’s more than a dream; it’s a reality waiting to happen. To me, it’s a reality worth fighting for. If that makes me an idealist, then that is a label I will wear proudly. For anything and everything that has ever come into being was born as an idea.
Not that any of it will be easy. There are many facets of that fight, and some very resilient opposition. Each aspect, no matter how small it may seem, has its own challenges and importance. Each has its own supporters, and I salute those who channel their energy into these issues. I am firmly in favor of anything that brings us closer to equality without regard to sexual orientation (or any other perceived difference, for that matter).
The fight I’ve chosen is no less significant than any of the others, but it may seem one of the more daunting struggles to some: the fight to overcome hate and intolerance.
Having a strong sense of fairness, of right and wrong, few things bother me like bigotry and discrimination - or the hate and violence they too often breed. To hear self-appointed and self-righteous icons of virtue passing judgment and condemnation goes against everything I believe. When they justify their beliefs with lies, twisted interpretations of religious writings, and skewed statistics, it becomes downright infuriating. Degrading and dehumanizing anyone, denying them the rights to which they are entitled, is completely unacceptable.
For those reasons and others, I have chosen to take a stand. Too many lives have been lost or devastated by the violence spawned by hateful and bigoted remarks.
I will not fight anger with anger - or hate with hate. It is not my place to judge, especially if judgment irritates me. Even though I will never agree with what some say and do, I have to acknowledge their rights to do so.
That leaves me passion and creativity. The truth is there, and it is left to any who are willing to fight for it to get that truth into the open. Where rhetoric is used to paint negative images, there needs to be positive examples. Where ignorance and fear are the targets of hateful messages, there must be education and courage. Where hate and intolerance fester and divide, there must be resistance and unity.
There are other individual struggles deserving attention. This is the one I’ve chosen. Some may think I’m crazy or biting off more than I can chew. Maybe they’re right.
Nevertheless, I have to try. We have to try. Otherwise, nothing will ever change.
