15. Be the *first* person in 1997 to mass-forward that naughty version of the "Night Before Christmas" to everyone on the planet with an e-mail account.

14. Shop door-to-door in a Santa suit with an empty sack and a .38 Special.

13. Spend the weekend drunk on egg nog and weeping to "It's a Wonderful Life" just to get it over with.

12. E-mail apologies in advance for your behavior at the upcoming office holiday party.

11. Send away now for your blowup Janet Reno before she resigns and they become collectors' items.

10. That perfect holiday pick-me-up: hot cocoa and amphetamines!

9. Send out that bid on the mistletoe contract for the Army Drill Seargents' Christmas party.

8. Make sure Gore can handle things for a few hours, then declare a state of emergency at Victoria's Secret and do some "personal shopping."

7. Put the Suicide Prevention Hotline in your speed dial to avoid a repeat of last year's drunken New Year's Eve 411 fiasco.

6. This year, spatulas for everyone!

5. Inject lard directly into ass, thus bypassing lengthy digestive processes.

4. Just sit back, turn on the Home Shopping Network, and order the next 20 or 30 items.

3. Practice co-dependent passive-agressive guilt-projecting behavior so you'll be ready for round one of the annual Family Feud.

2. Exchange "favors" with the Wal-Mart cart-boy to get inside info on when the Brut Holiday Gift Sets arrive.

1. Address box to Miss Pamela Anderson, scrawl "I want you bak huney, (singed) Tommy Lee", add *lots* of postage, strip nude except for Santa hat, climb in, seal firmly from inside, and wait.