1. Your waiter wails in anguish as he tosses you the menu from the kitchen.

2. Your plan to skim protection money was brilliant, unlike your infomercial telling others how to do likewise.

3. AOL calls to tell you your ID has been changed to SammyTheWeasel.

4. Brakes seem squishy, accelerator's kinda stuck, and there's a half-eaten canolli in your ashtray.

5. Three days in a row, you've thrown the Don's newspaper underneath the lawn sprinkler.

6. Late payment notice for that $33.5 million loan pinned to horse's head in your golf cart.

7. When making fun of his hair, you didn't realize that "Don" is not Mr. King's name, it's his title.

8. Much too late, you realize that your "Italian loafers" comment was misinterpreted.

9. "I'm afraid you've TP'd Mr. Sinatra's estate for the last time, my friend."

10. The sales guy at Thom McKann keeps steering you toward the Nike "Concrete Jordans."

11. Tiny pieces of Jimmy Hoffa keep showing up in your salad.

12. New Dominos delivery guy is in his mid-50's, and he's wearing a white suit with a black shirt.

13. The Witness Protection Program finds you a nice flat in Sicily.

14. The Don recommends you try the Fettucine Olestra.

15. Not only have you received the "kiss of death," but also the "pat on the butt of death," the "hand on your knee of death," and now the "genital fondle of death."

16. The prostitute's head you found in your bed can only be the work of Tony "Hard of Hearing" Mancuso.