A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone (on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc). 

1. Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin to remember her by.

2. Have you ever tried cat meat?

3. I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.

4. Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!

5. I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.

6. I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!

7. The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!

8. (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?

9. I puked on the last person who flew next to me.

10. My butt reeeally itches!

11. Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!

12. My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.

13. The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

14. Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?

15. I stepped in dog s**t AGAIN?!

16. I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?

17. My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.

18. Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!

19. Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!

20. Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?

21. I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!

22. This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.

23. Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!

24. If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.

25. Wanna buy a gerbil?

26. Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!

27. Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.

28. Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!

29. I've just been treated for tapeworms.

30. Don Knotts is my favorite actor!

31. I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.

32. The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.

33. Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?

34. I collect aluminum foil.

35. Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!

36. I work in a landfill.

37. I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.

38. I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!

39. I work on a Japanese whaling ship.

40.(With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?