13. Shaves head and beard, insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."

12. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.

11. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.

10. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.

9. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"

8. Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.

7. "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"

6. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.

5. That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.

4. Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"

3. When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.

2. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.

1. While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is scaring the hell out of the kiddies.