17. Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville and Wilbur ran the business.

16. For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?"

15. When pointing to the emergency exits, uses nothin' but her middle finger.

14. Occasionally tries to prop-start a 747.

13. Insists on showing you pictures of her prom date with Bob Dole.

12. Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav."

11. At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector.

10. Replaces in-flight movie with racy story about how he and Amelia Earhart founded the Mile High Club.

9. As passengers deplane, forgets to say "bye" and just stands there saying "buh... buh... buh... buh... buh... buh..."

8. No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of Bosco.

7. After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on.

6. Matches entire business class shot for shot.

5. Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the aisle.

4. Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop.

3. Requests that passengers refrain from using electronic devices such as Wurlitzers, Victrolas, and telegraphs.

2. Excitedly announces that the in-flight movie will be a "talkie."

1. Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit.