In order to make it possible for everyone to attend church next week, we are planning a special no-excuse Sunday.

1. Cots will be placed in the Chapel for those who say, "Sunday is my only day for sleeping in."

2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from watching TV too late on Saturday night.

3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if they show up at church.

4. Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too hot.

5. We will have hearing aids for those members who say, "the speakers don't talk loud enough." There will be cotton for those who say, "the speakers talk too loud."

6. Score cards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites.

7. We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

8. There will be TV dinners available for those who claim they can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who see God in nature, especially on the golf course.

10. The chapel will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies to create a familiar environment for those who have never seen the church without them.