THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
-Leaps short buildings in a single bound
-Is more powerful than a switch engine
-Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
-Asks how much it costs to fill the pool
-Talks with God

PROFESSOR
-Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
-Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
-Is faster than a speeding BB
-Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
-Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
-Barely clears a quonset hut
-Loses tug of war with a locomotive
-Can fire a speeding bullet
-Swims well
-Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
-Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
-Is run over by locomotives
-Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
-Treads water
-Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
-Climbs walls continually
-Rides the rails
-Plays Russian Roulette
-Walks on thin ice
-Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
-Runs into buildings
-Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
-Is not issued ammunition
-Can stay afloat with a life jacket
-Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
-Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
-Says "Look at the choo-choo"
-Wets himself with a water pistol
-Plays in mud puddles
-Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
-Lifts buildings and walks under them
-Kicks locomotives off the tracks
-Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
-Freezes water with a single glance
-She's the closest thing to God, at any College