10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you

9.  Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's least wanted"

8.  You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets

7.  The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made star trek uniform

6.  You're taking private tutorials with jocelyn elders

5.  You have one of them handsome ito beards--and you're a woman!

4.  The last time you had sex was during the Kennedy administration

3.  You spend your vacation chasin' lizards

2.  The pope asks you for tips on celibacy

1.  You ain't a gingrich, but your nickname's "newt"