16. Easily confused -- instead of a BLT, she brings you LBJ.

15. Swears she can see her reflection in your mashed potatoes.

14. She claims that you remind her of Elvis, then goes berserk when you don't leave a Cadillac for a tip.

13. Has Today's Specials tattooed on her ass.

12. Insists you order in Pig Latin.

11. No matter what you order, all you get is flan.

10. Insists you order off of the Unabomber manifesto.

9. For an appetizer, she administers the Heimlich manuver, "just in case."

8. When you order fries, she asks, "You want fries with that?"

7. Always forgets to serve scalding soup directly into Howard Stern's crotch.

6. Hands you a flaregun and says, "Just fire up one of these if you need anything else, Hon."

5. Tells you about the specials using interpretive dance.

4. Uses your tortillas as dress shields.

3. When you order the Pad Thai, she loudly replies, "Gladys don't speak no Eye-talian!"

2. Despite the snug Hooters shirt, the ZZTop beard makes her awful damn unattractive.

1. That pea soup looks mighty good spewing out of her spinning head.