-You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal

-You plot to get even with the kid who broke your child's toy and made him cry

-You can remove chewing gum from just about anything

-You hide in the bathroom to be alone

-Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you can keep eating

-You believe finger paints should be a controlled substance

-You read "Once Upon A Potty" out loud in a crowded waiting room

-You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats

-You tell your child that TOYS R US is a toy museum, not a store

-You find yourself cutting all sandwiches into unusual shapes

-You fast-forward the VCR through the scene where Bambi's mother gets killed

-You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks

-You obsess when your child clings to you during the first week of school

-You obsess again as they skip away without looking back the second week

-You can't bear to give away baby clothes

-You hear your mom's voice coming out of your mouth: "Not in your good clothes"

-You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you

-You donate to charity in the hope that your child won't get that disease

-You read a 5-year-old asks 437 questions a day. You feel your kid is above average

-You hire a sitter; go out with hubbie; then spend half the night phoning home