METALHEAD VIDEO MAGAZINE

A few weeks back, Brian and I were at a library book sale and I came across this old VHS tape. Since it was only $2 and contained the bands and music I’ve always loved, I couldn’t resist buying it. I promised myself I would review this video for Metal and Madness, because lord knows I needed to do something new on this site. So, here is the review, for your amusement, and enjoyment!

I’ll start off by saying the guy hosting this is the most annoying person on Earth, not counting Paris Hilton or Richard Simmons. He has a fake screw stuck to his head and can’t talk without shouting. I hope he’s not always the host of these videos. And, if he is, I hope he isn’t always this annoying, but I suspect he probably is. He frightens me.

The first segment is supposed to be about Aerosmith putting their handprints in the Guitar Walk of Fame. My favorite Aero song/video, “The Other Side” from the album “Pump” plays intercut with clips from the Guitar Walk ceremony .

Next up is Poison’s “Flesh and Blood” album release party. KNAC’s Tawn Mastry interviews the legendary Bill Gazarri, who compares Poison to Van Halen and The Doors(!). Warrant’s Jani Lane says he likes Poison and that they are friends. Vicky Hamilton (who I believe now works with Velvet Revolver) says the Poison guys are “wild and crazy” and she wishes them the best of luck. Tawn interviews Bret, who says, “it’s nice to succeed.” No surprises here.

The Jimi Hendrix video for “Crosstown Traffic” is now shown for no apparent reason. Fast forward.

Here we go. World Series of Rock (a music festival), Alpine, Wisconsin with Whitesnake, Great White, Skid Row, and Hericane Alice. David Coverdale says there was a “great deal of underwear and other superficial stuff thrown up (onstage),” but he could see on people’s faces, “they were having fun.” Jack Russell says this was Great White’s 259th show of their tour. He then interviews his tour manager who thanks him for, “putting vodka in my Evian.”

Still at World Series of Rock, Rachel from Skid Row catches their sound guy’s wife coming out of a port-a-potty. She seems really irritated. He tells us it’s her “favorite hangout spot.” Snake tells us this is the Skids 299th show out of 300 on the tour, or something like that. Rob from Skid Row interviews Sebastian Bach’s wife, Maria. They peruse a fan magazine together and Maria asks Rob if there are any pictures of him in there. Rob says, “No, there never are, they’re always of Baz.” Maria says, “He’s pretty cute, though…” and Rob counters with, “Yeah! I’d do him!” LOLOL

Still at World Series, Whitesnake’s dressing room is shown. Then they cut to outside, where Great White’s Jack Russell is talking with his arm around drummer Audie Desbrow. Jack tells us, “We don’t go for gimmicks, you know, the explosions and that kind of stuff…” Oh man!!!!!!!! If only they’d stuck to that philosophy. He goes on to explain that it’s a “day” show, so they’re sticking to the basics.

Finally, done with the World Series of Rock, we now move on to House Of Lords in the studio, talking about their new album. YAWN. Typical interview stuff. They kiss some Gene Simmons butt. They say they have “total artistic freedom,” although Gene picks which songs make the record. Okay. Cheap Trick is recording down the hall. Rick Nielson tells the cameraman to “Go away, get a job.”

This is good. Pretty Boy Floyd reads fan mail. Vinnie Chas reads a letter from someone who thinks they are the “four sexiest guys alive.” Yikes. They call one girl who sent in a letter. She freaks out screaming and keeps saying “Oh my God!” over and over, then she actually says, “I want to have your babies!” to Steve "Sex" Summers. Oh dear.

We now go to the Heavy Metal Grand Prix at Long Beach. This is basically a video montage of clips. Duff and Slash are seen signing things for fans. There are many, many pointless crowd shots. What the heck?

Next up is Jake E. Lee and Badlands at The Palace in Hollywood. Ray Gillan is there, so obviously this is before his untimely passing. He was a beautiful man with a beautiful, Robert Plant-ish voice. Just goes to prove the face of AIDS can be anywhere. Right off the bat, Jake comes off as an egomaniac by answering a question about his amps like this: “Orange Marshalls? ESP made them for me because…they like me.” In a really “duh” pompous tone of voice. During their show they show people moshing and jumping onstage. Color me surprised.

We are now at the Heavy Metal Pig Roast 1990. Wherever that was. Once again, crowd clip montage. I recognize no one. Very pointless.

Now we go to Extreme’s Pornograffiti recording session with producer Michael Wagener. Nuno isn’t bitter yet. And he looks beautiful. Portuguese man of my dreams, indeed (that was old-school, for Norah!). Nuno tells us image isn’t important, what’s important is the size of the “schlong.” Let’s hear it for pre-“More Than Words” not-bitter Nuno Bettencourt! Yeah! Extreme! We end this segment with an excellent “Decadence Dance” video clip.

And now here’s Doro Pesch. She calls Gene Simmons the best producer she ever had, and says she had the time of her life working with him. Hmmm. They talk about her clothes with her clothing designer. He’s exceedingly dull. He says her voice speaks for itself. Uh…I hope so!

Good lord, it’s Jack Russell again. This time on his boat with –ack! – no shirt on. Tawn Mastry interviews him. She says they “persevere live.” Yikes. Hindsight sucks. I wish I could watch this without relating everything about Great White to the Rhode Island fire. Jack gives us a tour of the boat and says his boat is the only chick he ever knew that didn’t give him sh.t. Tawn and Jack both have on plastic sunglasses in weird colors that make me laugh, but they aren’t supposed to be funny.

Hey, hey it’s Slaughter being interviewed by Lonn Friend! Lonn says they are “the hottest band in the world – no exaggeration.” Within two seconds Dana Strum is pompous. Don’t ask. Lonn says Slaughter is down to Earth because they wear jeans. This is right before they toured with Kiss. “Up All Night” was number one at MTV for six weeks at this point. Ah…the good old days. Lonn calls “Stick It To Ya” an “excellent party record that plays in RIP magazine offices on a daily basis.”

Next is a boring video by a band I have never heard of.

Ah! The London Quireboys at The Rainbow, introduced by none other than Mario Maglieri. I love that place! We get a tour from the boys, then see them eat dinner (pizza and chicken soup).

Now we’re outside where Circus Of Power is interviewed by a chick who I think is Honey from The Cycle Sluts From Hell. She asks probing questions, like, “Who writes your music?” “What kind of girls do you like?” Circus Of Power’s singer does a good impression of Cher and the segment is over.

The annoying host says “Circus Of Power is killer!” and gets hit with an anvil. That’s the coolest thing I’ve seen since the Rainbow segment!

Steve Vai is interviewed by Tawn at the KNAC studio to promote his “Passion and Warfare” album. He says he likes to hear his own peculiarity in his music. He learned guitar from Joe Satriani in his hometown, and he’s a big Zappa fan. I have to say Steve Vai is an awesome speaker. I could listen to him talk all day. Never mind, play that guitar! They have a contest where the callers with the best adjectives to describe his album will win prizes. I love this guy! He says his son’s name is Julian Angel. That’s an awesome name.

We end the video with a shameless plug by the annoying host guy for the other videos made by this company. The only funny part comes when he recommends Soundgarden, because they’re “louder than a flatulent Mexican’s behind.” Ha! This is rounded out by Tone Loc telling us to buy “Slammin” the world’s only rap video magazine.

Well, I’m exhausted. The fast-paced random mostly-junk of this video has tired me out. If you ever see one of these videos at a garage sale or in someone’s garbage, don’t hesitate to pick it up. At best, you’ll see your old faves, at worst, you’ll get a good laugh!

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