hard to believe that such an all encompassing love
could make me a slave to a bastard such as yourself
(or is that what you had in mind all the time i wonder?)
i thought myself strong enough to never fall for your kind
yet i find myself alone
creating a child
our child
which can never be handed over to someone as cold as you
i shall never allow you to destroy his life
to tragically end it as you have mine
i loved you with a naive innocence
that i did not think my scarred heart was capable of
and yet even that too mocks me now
you who dangled sacfricial promises
that seemed to me the epitome of heaven
caused me to debase myself and lie prostrate before you
how powerful you must have felt
how my pain must make you smile with pleasure
how you must have laughed at me sustained by your “new love”
as with each little game you played i grew more confused
sickened by what you made me
like a pain junkie i came back to you for more
always more
i can no longer crawl back to you
on knees raw and bleeding
i am unable to move from the place i now lay
i cannot support myself with this weighted agony you have inflicted upon me
the agony you too supposedly felt
although i am no longer dumb enough to think that
you alone triumph in the silence
you knew all along that your promises were false
that you had given another the love i had stuggled so hard to earn
to another
but that did not stop you from earning your final revenge
as you ripped my heart to shreds and engorged yourself upon it
yet i wonder if she too knows the things that i know
seen in the moments you allowed yourself to feel
before you locked yourself into a little box to hide your vulnerability and pride
but of course this game is all the same to you
be it with me
with someone else
i wish you luck in your new endeavor
as i curse myself for having ever believed in your winged words
soft smiles and glances
your presence wounds me
haunts me continually for i cannot turn away from you
i am bound to you by bonds stronger then i had ever imagined
while you sit in your little safe heaven and deny that i once existed
as you will deny your child
as he struggles to know why his father does not love him
and i will have to look at him and say because you are mine
my heart cannot stop beating the uneven pattern of betrayal
your selfishness
your vanity
your pretended sympathy weigh on me
i find myself suffocating
struggling for air in this hell hole you have thrown me
and yet i find myself unable to hate
because my love allowed me to
forgive you
so long
ago
(c)Rachel Perlman Nov 1, 1997
