February 27, 1999
My doctor started me on Lithium. A small dose - 300 mg a day. It's supposed to kick up the antidepressant. I'm kind of nervous. I've heard so much about the potential dangers of Lithium. These dangers are usually when someone is on high doses, but I'm still nervous. Too many recurrent thoughts of death. I keep too many bottles of pills around - in case. I try to push the thoughts from my mind, because I don't think I really want to die. There's just a part of me that's trying to force my death. I don't want to hurt my family and friends by leaving them. Still, I'm not much company lately. I don't return calls right away and I'm irritable around my family. I don't believe in a God or a Heaven. But still, I wish that I'd be able to see the people I've lost - when I leave this world too. One thing: If I'm wrong about this God issue - then I know where my soul will be sent upon my death.
Meg
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