EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
If your ship hasn't come in…Swim out to it!
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
Men are proof that women can take a joke.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
If we aren't supposed to eat amimals, why are they made with meat?
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... (They were screaming "Stop reading that insanely long bumper sticker and watch the road!!!")
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Did you check if your horn works?
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
CLINTON HAPPENS.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either).
Men are idiots and I married their king.
National Atheist's Day April 1
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
i souport publik edekasion
All generalizations are false.
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
No matter where you go, you're there.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
I'm back by popular demand.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
My karma ran over your dogma.
I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Welcome to California. Now go home!
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
HANG-UP & DRIVE
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
