1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. When someone says, “Can I ask you a question?” are they really giving you a choice?
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?
21. What happens if you “get scared half to death” twice?
22. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
23. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
24. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
25. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
27. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
28. Procrastination is like masturbation; you only end up screwing yourself in the end.
29. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
30. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
31. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
32. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
33. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
35. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
36. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
37. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
38. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
39. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
40. Life isn’t short, it’s the longest thing anyone ever has.
