Memory Dance
 
 

Chapter 14

Lara reached out and closed her hand on the bottle that sat on the table.  She put it to her lips and took a long drink, swallowing the warm liquid within.  She cringed for a moment at the harsh taste, forgetting how bad ginseng iced tea tasted warm.  She forgot her complaint instantly and returned her focus to the papers in front of her, or at least tried to.  She was almost to the end of her work on her last field research experience.  It had been four long months of working on her own, but she was now proofing the final draft of her paper.  Her heart wasn’t in it though.  Not tonight.  It was five months ago this night that she had slid an engagement ring onto her lover’s finger. "Kate Wilson, will you be my wife?"  The words continued to echo in her mind.

The last four months had been the most difficult of Lara’s life.  Dealing with the pain of losing the other half of her soul was more intense than anything she had ever imagined.  Still the professor went on.  There had been many long nights when she had found herself alone and in tears.  She still had many things that reminded her of her lover.  Clothes that were left behind, as well as gifts, letters, and even a lock of her lover’s hair.  Her engagement ring hadn’t left her finger.  She wore it to remember the good times.  At least that is what she told herself.  The truth was she couldn’t bring herself to take it off.  She clung to it as if it was the last real link she had to the love she experienced when she was with the young graduate student.  Maybe it was.

Many a night she would sit there and stare at it, remembering the day it was placed on her finger, remembering the love that had shone in her partner’s eyes.  That love was for her and she didn’t want to give it up.  The love she had experienced had become her anchor.  Having had it was enough of a reason to go on.  Even though she had lost hope that her lover would change her mind and come back to her, that love was something she would keep with her.  She kept going on, kept doing what she needed to do for herself, but on those lonely nights, it was that feeling of love she laid down with to keep her warm.  She clung to it like it was a lover in itself.  It meant everything to her to have had it.  She never regretted her time with Kate because of what it gave her.  She knew how to feel again, and even if it was pain, at least she was alive.  At least she had the chance to have what she always wanted.  She never thought she would get that lucky.  The fact that she did was enough to help keep her going.

Lara still had her other dreams and goals, and she intended to se them through.  In her mind she knew that if her and Kate were together that is what they would both want anyway.  The professor also felt she owed it to herself to make a life that she could be proud of.  She wasn’t proud of her past.  She had forgiven herself for the mistakes she had made and let go of the guilt she carried with her for them, but she still felt that she needed to accomplish her other dreams for herself.  She had accomplished this one.  Even for a brief time.  She only hoped that the things to come in her life could make her feel half as wonderful as that time with Kate had.  If they could, then it would have been a great life.  Even if she did spend the rest of it alone.

She finished proofreading the document once again, and then set it aside, deciding she would make the changes to her copy on disk in the morning.  It couldn’t be done tonight; the pain was beginning to get to her.  She knew it would.  The memories of what had happened five months ago were the happiest of her life.  She picked up her paperwork and set it down on the desk in her office, then sat on the couch and turned on the TV.  She flipped channels aimlessly, not caring what was on.  "I don’t really watch much TV actually" Kate responded.  "Whatever you want I’m sure will be fine."

Kate’s voice had become an ever-present ghost in her head.  Even the most insignificant words came rushing back to her.  Sometimes it was so clear she would swear the younger woman was right beside her.  There were countless nights when the professor would wake up, reaching out for a lover who was no longer there.  Those nights were the worst.  She would end up staring at her clock watching the minutes roll by as the tears fell from her eyes.  Hugging her pillow, she would try to regain her composure and will herself to fall back to sleep but could not.  Other nights sleep didn’t come at all.  She would spend long hours at her computer doing whatever work needed to be done.  It was no surprise her research was done early and all her school related work was up to date.  Now that everything with her fieldwork was ending, she wasn’t sure what to do.

What to do with herself now that it was the end of the school year was a big question in her mind. All of her tests were graded and the grades had been turned in.  With her research completed, she just wasn’t sure where to go from there.  She knew she needed a new goal.  She also decided that her new goal needed to take her away from this place forever.  To Lara, the whole town was haunted by Kate’s ghost.  It was time for the professor to move on.  She had the understanding of herself and the love for herself she had lacked all her life. She knew she needed to make something of her life. But staying in that apartment, sleeping in the bed where they had made love; as long as she stayed there, she couldn’t really move past what had happened.

It was time to go on.  Lara knew she needed to find a better place, somewhere apart from the past and try to make a life she could call her own.  If she stayed here, she would still see Kate’s ghost on every street corner.  She didn’t know if that would change if she left.  Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, but at least she would have a chance.  More of a chance than she had if she stayed.  She made the decision to start looking for something else.  She had time to figure it out now; all of her obligations were almost taken care of.  Something inside of her told her that the time had come.

She had no idea where she was going or what she was going to do when she got there.  It didn’t matter.  Her heart was telling her to leave and Lara was going to follow its advice.  It had been a long time since she had even had the chance to listen to her heart.  Now that she could hear it again, she wasn’t going to pass the opportunity up.  She resolved to make herself a better life, even if it was without the woman she loved.  She would always have her memories, even if they hurt sometimes, like they did on this night.

Lara clicked off the TV.  She had been lost in her thoughts for over an hour.  She got up and went to the refrigerator, looking for something cold to drink.  The thought of a nice cold beer entered her mind briefly, but the professor dispelled it with little difficulty.  She thought of drinking on occasion, but the thoughts were usually brief and easily dismissed.  She grabbed a can of coke from the top shelf and opened it.  As she took a sip, she thought she heard thunder off in the distance but she wasn’t sure.  She walked back into the living room and picked up a pack of cigarettes.  She was a little disappointed in herself for starting to smoke again, having quit when she stopped drinking, but she chose not to dwell on it.  She knew that if she got angry with herself for smoking it would only cause her further problems.  Self-anger and self-hatred led back to the bottle, and she do not intend to go there.  Her sobriety was too important to her.

She took one last drag of the cigarette after having smoked it all the way to the filter.  She put it in the ashtray and took another sip of her soda.  She heard the distinctive sound of thunder again and turned on the weather channel to see how bad it was going to get. The area was going to be hit with a decent storm that night according to the forecaster.   "I love the rain." Kate said.  "You just feel more alive when you go out and stand in it.  I can’t explain it."  Lara couldn’t explain it either.  She would just smile at her lover whenever she talked about rain.  The professor never saw any appeal in it, but still smiled at the memory just as she would have if the younger woman had really been there saying it.

The rain had begun to fall; Lara could hear the drops tapping against the glass of the window.  Rain was of course one thing that always brought back memories of her estranged young lover, and it seemed appropriate to Lara that it would rain on this night, what would have been the five-month anniversary of their engagement.  She walked to the window and watched the rain start to come down a bit harder.  Lara wished she could understand why the young grad student left her.  She constantly had to keep herself in check, making sure she didn’t begin to blame herself for the younger woman’s actions.  She knew that kind of blame would be the death of her, but still, she wanted to understand the reason why this had happened.

She wanted to understand Kate, to be inside the younger woman’s head and know how she could hurt someone that much.  She wanted to know how you can tell someone you love them and want to spend you life with them and within hours leave them for someone else.  Lara could never do that to anyone.  Even when she was at her worst, she couldn’t be that cold.  It was hard for her to believe that she could have been that wrong about Kate.  The professor sighed, knowing that there were no answers to these inquiries.  The only one who had the answers wasn’t around to give them.  The rain grew slightly harder and the thunder sounded closer.  A storm was brewing inside Lara that matched the one she watched through her window.

The professor went to the closet and grabbed her black trench coat.  Normally she wouldn’t wear a coat that heavy at the end of May, but it made a decent raincoat.  She took the liner out of it so it wouldn’t be too warm and tossed it on her body.  "It’s cold out love, put your coat on." The younger woman chastised as the professor was about to walk out of the apartment and into the snow wearing only a sweatshirt.  "I was only going out to the car to sgrab a note book I forgot, I don’t see what the big deal was." The professor answered aloud to the ghost inside her head.  "I don’t want you getting sick again." The ghost answered back.  It was true, the professor had been sick recently.  She had tried not to show it, but her younger companion wouldn’t have missed all that coughing even if she had been deaf.

Lara straightened her jacket and picked up her keys.  She closed her eyes and tried to push the ghost out of her mind, but she was ever present.  Lara opened the door to her apartment and stepped out, locking it behind her.  She walked to her Jeep and climbed into the driver's seat.  Sliding the key into the ignition, she debated where she was going, and then just decided she would go wherever she went.  A turn of the key and a foot on the pedal and she was on her way.

She drove around town for awhile listening to the radio and watching Mother Nature’s light show in the sky.  Then she decided to head down to the beach where she could see it even clearer.  Although most of the area beaches were closed this time of night, she knew of one next to a bar she used to frequent which was always open for the bars customers to spend time on.  It was just a small beach, but it would give her a good view of the storm coming in off the ocean.

She drove over the bridge and pulled off the highway at the exit of for the bar.  It was a weeknight so not many cars were around, and no one was near the beach because of the storm.  She parked her car in the space next to the cement walkway that led to the small beach.  From here, she could see the last pieces of land out in the water, and the angry waves that were threatening the shoreline.

Lara watched the rain pound down on her windshield and noticed the wind picking up, beginning to bend the trees under it’s power.  It was nothing near a hurricane, but it was amounting to a decent storm.  She wondered if Kate would be out in it if she were there.  Lara reached her hand to the ignition and removed the keys.  She placed them in her coat pocket and opened the door to her Jeep.  The wind whipped her coat around as she exited the vehicle, but the professor ignored its force and began taking steps toward the beach.

By the time her feet hit the sand, she was drenched from the downpour.  "Look at you, you’re soaked.  Get in that bedroom and change your clothes." The grad student reprimanded playfully.  Lara closed her eyes and attempted to force away the memories.  The rain drove down harder and the waves crashed against the beach.  Thunder, lightning, and rain seemed to consume her world.

Lara looked to the black night sky, she still wanted answers.  She wanted to know why her life was always consumed by storms, why nothing ever stayed calm.  Why nothing ever stayed at all.  All her life was filled with nothing but loss after loss.  All of the rage inside her heart seemed to surface, as if the waves crashing against the shore were stirring it.  Everything was at the surface now.

The tears began to fall freely from her eyes.  She looked to the ocean and felt one with it in this moment.  It was as ravaged by storm as her soul was, and yet still it flowed, and it flowed stronger, just like her soul did.  She felt a kinship with it she had never known before.

"I love you"

The tears fell harder and the professor screamed to the sky "WHY?  Why is it always me?  Why am I always the one hurt?  What have I done that was so horrible that I deserve this?  Damn you, I am worthy of love.  I am a decent person.  I try my best, and still I get nothing but hurt.  I did NOTHING wrong.  I DO NOT DESERVE THIS!"

Lara fell to her knees with her head in her hands and cried as the rain came pouring down upon her.
 
 
 

Chapter 15

Kate awoke from a restless sleep.  She hadn’t been sleeping well at all.  There was something about being in her mother’s house that made her uneasy.  She had felt that way almost all of her life, but even more so now.  Her room was like that of a child’s.  It still had her old dolls, stuffed toys, and the pink paint she could remember from her childhood.  It was nights like these that she missed her small apartment.  It had been four months since she lived there.

As soon as she agreed to marry James, Kate’s mother insisted she move back into the house to give her some assistance until she was married and living with her husband.  Not seeing a reason to deny her mother that simple request, Kate packed her few belongings and went home.  She had been here ever since.  Things had gone back to the way they had always been, except for the fact that Ron was gone.  Kate didn’t find herself missing her brother’s presence.  The two had never really gotten along with each other.

Realizing she wasn’t going to fall asleep right away, the young woman crawled out of bed and headed to the kitchen to get herself a drink.  She could hear the thunder off in the distance, the earlier storm beginning to move away.  She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cabinet.  With glass in hand, she headed to the sink. "Sure, no problem, one water coming up."  Lara responded as she headed to the kitchen.  Kate stopped for a second when she heard the voice in her head.  It had been four long months since she had heard that voice.  Why now?  The younger woman shook it off; deciding it was best to forget about it.  That part of her life was long over.  Lara was probably very happy with someone else by now just like she was.  There was no use dwelling on the past when she had a future with James and her family to worry about.

Finishing her water, Kate headed back to her room.  She knew she needed rest, tomorrow was going to be a busy day as was the rest of the week.  The wedding was the upcoming Sunday and there were still a lot of preparations to make.  The week would be filled with activities.  They still had to put the final touches on her dress and hold a rehearsal dinner.  The wedding plans were in the final stages and all that was left was checking to make sure everything was set with the restaurant for the reception, making sure the florist acquired the necessary flowers, and making sure the cake was made to the specifications her mother called for.  Kate was surprised her mother had managed to get the wedding arranged in only four months considering how extravagant the event was to be.  Her mother may have been the one doing the planning but it was James’ family that was paying the bill.

Dealing with her fiancee’s family had been difficult at first.  They were furious at Kate for leaving the young man she was supposed to have wed the previous summer.  It took awhile for her to get back onto civil terms with them.  It took a lot of time and a lot of effort on the part of her future husband, who was determined to make his family respect his choice for a wife.  Eventually they gave their blessing even if it was half hearted, and agreed to pay for the wedding to make the young man happy.  Even with their civil behavior in front of her fiancee, Kate had grown used to the glares of disdain she received when he was looking the other way.

Kate lay down in her bed.  She had the same uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach that she had been experiencing for some time now.  She attributed it to pre-wedding jitters, and tried to forget about it.  Kate pulled the covers over her and drifted back to sleep.

                                                              *********

The professor picked herself up off the beach.  The rain was still pounding down upon her, but the storm was beginning to move away.  Ravaging waves began to subside slightly, as did the turmoil in her heart.  She walked back to her Jeep, not caring about her state of disarray.  She got in the car and sat for a moment, taking a few deep breaths and then reaching in her coat pocket to retrieve her pack of cigarettes.  They were soaked from the rain.  The professor quickly tossed them in the back seat, discarding them, then reached into her glove box and grabbed a new pack that she had left in the earlier in case she ran out.

Lara lit a cigarette and sat watching the waves through the windshield of her car for a few more minutes.  Although the worst of the storm had passed, the weather was still horrible.   She decided it was time to head home anyway, having spent well over an hour out on the beach in the rain.  The professor started up her car and pulled out of the parking space, headed for the highway.

It was late and the roads were empty.  Lara pulled off the main highway after crossing the bridge, deciding to take the smaller roads home.  She was tired and her body was aching from the weight of her emotions.  The side of the road was cluttered with fallen tree limbs, most of them small.  She noticed that the storm had done some damage although it didn’t look too bad.  The professor reached out to turn on the radio as she came around a particularly sharp turn.  She only had one eye on the road and was driving well over the speed limit so the tree was in front of her before she could even think to move.  She hit the break the second she saw it but it was too late.  The Jeep hit the large tree dead on with a harrowing crash.

The force of the impact knocked the vehicle off balance causing it to tilt and come to a standstill on its side, lying on top of the tree.   Lara’s unconscious form was slumped over in the driver’s seat.  Blood streaked down her face from a gash above her right eye as the rain continued to fall.

The professor awoke after a few minutes.  She was disoriented for a few moments, before recollecting the accident.  She could feel the warm, sticky liquid running down her face and knew it was blood, but she didn’t think her injuries were severe.  She could hear sirens in the distance and figured someone must have heard or seen the accident.  She debated attempting to climb out of the vehicle and then decided against it, opting to not take the risk of injuring herself further.  So, she waited.

The ambulance was there within less than two minutes of Lara regaining consciousness, and she was examined on the scene to learn the extent of her injuries.  They suspected she would only need stitches for the cut above her eye, but proceeded to take all the necessary precautions until X-rays could be done to be certain.  The hospital was fairly empty so she was examined rather quickly and her wound was stitched.  The doctor said that he didn’t see anything further wrong with the dark haired woman but suggested she be admitted for observation considering the severity of the accident and the fact that she had hit her head.

Lara had no desire to spend the night in the hospital. She was glad she had asked the officers at the scene of the accident to get the keys to her apartment out of her wrecked vehicle while the EMS people examined her.  A very tired, dirty, wet, and bloody professor signed herself out of the hospital and called a cab to take her home.

Lara slid the key into the lock and pushed open the door to her empty apartment.  She was still soaking wet and covered in sand and blood.  She walked straight into the bathroom, bypassing a glance at herself in the mirror, certain she would have seen a madwoman looking back at her.  Instead she stripped out of her clothes and began running the hot water in her shower.  She jumped in, washed the grime from her body, and then let the hot water take away the cold she could feel going straight into her bones from being in her wet clothing for so long.

Once she felt semi-human again she stepped from the shower and wrapped herself in a towel.   She walked out of the bathroom and to her bedroom where she found a clean pair of shorts and a T-shirt to sleep in.  She pulled the shirt over he lithe body and slid on the shorts before climbing into her bed and under the covers.  Drained from the evening’s events, she quickly fell asleep.

                                                              *********

Kate climbed out of bed and headed straight to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the long day ahead of her.  She had a lunch date with her fiancee and his parents at eleven and then she needed to help her mother check on the arrangements.  She also needed to call the dressmaker and make sure that everything was still going according to schedule and that the final fitting was still set for Friday.

Once she was clean and dressed, she headed down to the kitchen to have morning coffee with her mother, which had become a daily ritual since Kate had moved back home.  Upon arriving in the kitchen she found her mother already seated at the table with a mug of coffee and a newspaper in front of her.  "So do you always read the paper first thing in the morning?" Kate asked the professor in an attempt to make conversation with the older woman.  "Yeah." Lara responded.  "I like to know what’s going on around me."  Kate paused at the sound of the voice she heard in her head.

"Is there something wrong dear?" her mother asked, noticing her daughter’s obvious distress with something.

"No, nothing at all mom.  Just an old memory is all." Kate responded.

"Well is it something you want to talk about Katy?" her mother asked.

"No mom, it’s nothing important.  That is long passed.  I don’t even know what brought it up.  Anyway, what is on the agenda today besides lunch and phone calls?" Kate said, ending the conversation on her momentary pause.

"The caterers are stopping by with some more sample dishes for the reception for us to try.  I can do that on my own if you have something else to do." The older woman said.

"Oh no, I’m there for taste testing." Kate said with a smile.

The older woman gave a short laugh at her daughter’s enthusiasm for food and turned her attention back to the newspaper as Kate sat down with her own cup of coffee and a pastry.  After a few minutes Kate reached over and grabbed the metro section of the paper that her mother had just discarded and begun to read.  The blonde woman realized what she was doing and was puzzled because she never really read the paper.  "Well I like to know what is going on around me too, I just prefer to watch it on the news."  Kate answered to the professor’s comment.  It suddenly felt right to her to read, so she did.

After breakfast was over Kate spent a few hours making phone calls regarding the wedding arrangements and then went upstairs to freshen herself up before her lunch date with James and her future in-laws.  Spending the afternoon with her fiancee’s family was not on her list of fun things to do, but the young woman knew she needed to bridge the gab between her and her future family.

                                                                              *********

Lara awoke shortly before noon.  Her head was pounding and she really didn’t want to get out of bed.  There really wasn’t any reason for her to anyway, she knew, but still her feet hit the floor and her body made it to a standing position.  Barely.  She took a few tentative steps and found herself using the wall for support.  The pain in her head was making her dizzy and nauseous.  The professor debated going back to the hospital before deciding she would just need to take it easy and eat something and she would be fine.

Being trapped in a hospital bed was the last thing Lara wanted.  She had barely been able to sit down as it was over the past four months.  Rest and recovery wasn’t something she wanted to deal with.  She was driven by the need to accomplish any and all of her goals.  That drive kept her alive on the roughest of nights, when thoughts of suicide would still creep in no matter how hard she tried to fight them.  The part of her she did lose when she lost Kate was sorely missed despite everything she had gained.

The injured woman sat down at her kitchen table with a piece of toast, her cordless phone, a few papers, a cup of coffee, and a bottle of aspirins.  She opened the bottle, took three with a gulp of her coffee, and then slowly ate the toast.  Once she was finished, she pulled over the small stack of papers.  First she called her insurance company and reported the accident. Then she turned her attention to the other papers.  The third piece had the phone number of where her car was towed.  She dialed the number of the auto shop the police had given her and spoke with a mechanic who said that the vehicle was totaled in his opinion.

After speaking with the mechanic she figured she might as well start looking for another car even before the adjuster evaluated the damage to her Jeep.  From what she had seen of it the night before she agreed with the mechanic’s assessment of the damage.  She flipped open the newspaper and bypassed the sections she usually read in favor of the classified ads.  She didn’t want to put too much money into another car since she was unsure of what she was doing, so she marked off a few prospective used cars that weren’t too expensive.

The aspirins hadn’t done much for her headache.  She decided to leave calling the numbers until the next day.  The professor also figured it would be a good idea to get a few of the small local papers and check the ads in them.  She didn’t have much else to do in the next few days other than shop around for a new car.  Deciding that was to be her strategy the professor stacked the papers up on her table and made her way to the couch to rest and watch TV.  She lay down, turned on a movie that was playing on one of the cable channels, and fell asleep shortly after.
 
 

Chapter 16
 

Kate climbed into bed.  It had been a long day.  Lunch with James’ family had gone well, and she had enjoyed sampling the food for the reception, but the rest of the day had been tiring and stressful.  They young woman often missed spending her days studying or working on some anthropological endeavor, but there was no time for that now.  Planning the wedding had taken up most of her time.  She should have been going to grad school this semester but decided to forego her education in order to start on her married life.  After all, she could always go back later, she thought.

The young woman was particularly troubled over one part of her day.  Her mother had sat her down after dinner saying she wished to discuss something with her.  A moment later there was a knock on the door and James walked in.  The two proceeded to tell Kate that they decided it would be best if her and James continued living in the elder woman’s home after they got married so James could help more with the bills.  Kate just nodded her assent to her fiancee and mother, not knowing how to explain that she just didn’t want to stay there.  It had been bothering her ever since.

When the young woman left her home, she did so after finally standing up for herself and speaking her mind.  The entire time she was on her own, she continued to speak her mind. Now that she was home, she seemed to be going back to the way she always had been. Even Emma had said it to her, but she hadn’t seen it until now.  Kate found herself missing the freedom she had while she was out of the country working.  She was beginning to have doubts about the arrangement she made with James although it would secure her family a safe future.

Kate sat in her bed in the dark.  So much had changed in her life since the last time she lived in that house.  She wasn’t sure if she was willing to give up the freedom she had gained by leaving, but her mind told her it was already done and that was the end of it.  The young woman resigned herself to her fate and crawled under the covers.  It would be yet another night of fitful sleep for the former graduate student.

                                                               *********

Lara awoke slowly.  The professor wasn’t sure how she was going to feel so she laid still and closed her eyes trying to see how her body felt.  She still had a headache, she knew that much.  She was also still on the couch which was probably why her back hurt slightly.  She sat up slowly and was relieved when the headache didn’t get any worse.  She stood slowly and lightly stretched her stiff body.  She felt better than she had the day before and decided that it was time for her to get down to business.  She needed to get a new car and figure out what she was going to do with her life next.

After a quick shower and a run to the convenience store around the corner, the dark haired woman sat down at her kitchen table with a cup of coffee, some donuts, and the local papers.  She turned right to the classified ads and began looking for the used car section.  A half-hour later the professor had marked off at least ten possible cars and had begun to make phone calls.

Lara spent most of the day looking at various cars, noting two that she was seriously considering and dismissing the rest.  By late afternoon, she had followed up on all her leads and decided to pay a visit to her mentor, Professor Jenkins, in hopes that he may have some advice as to what she should do with her life.  The professor had been considering undertaking more fieldwork, but she had also enjoyed the last semester of teaching and wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.  She knew she had a world of possibilities, but had no idea which to choose.  She didn’t expect her long time friend to have the answers, but she thought that if she talked with someone about her options perhaps she would get a clearer picture.

The professor stopped in a supermarket and called Jenkins from a pay phone to see if he minded a visit.  The elder professor was happy to hear from his young friend and told her to come right by if she wished.  Lara then called a cab to get to his house from the supermarket.

Jenkins greeted the young professor at the door and invited her into his living room.  He brought in coffee for himself and his friend and then sat down at the other end of the sofa.  "So my fiend, how have you been holding up and what happened to your eye?"  He asked, his voice tinged with concern, knowing it was not typical for the younger professor to talk about anything having to do with her personal life.

"I’ve been holding up Robert."  Lara responded, "And as far as the cut goes, I wrecked my Jeep in the storm the other night.  I’ve been out car hunting all day actually."

"Well, it is a blessing at least that you weren’t hurt worse." Jenkins responded after getting over the initial shock that his friend had been in an accident.  "Any luck finding a car?"

"I saw a few good possibilities actually.  I need to think about it a little more though."  Lara responded.

"Well, good luck on it.  I never liked buying cars.  Are you going for new or used?" the older man asked.

"Used I think.  I may need the money I have saved for something else actually." Lara said, preparing to get into the real reason she went to see her mentor.

"Why, is something going on?" Jenkins asked, becoming concerned again.

"I just think it is time for me to move on from here.  I think I need a change of scenery or something.  Does that make any sense?"  Lara asked.

"Sure it does my friend."  The older man responded.  "It makes perfect sense considering everything you have been through these last few months.  I know it’s been hard for you losing Kate and all."

"Yeah it has.  I feel like her ghost haunts everywhere I go.  I think I have a better chance being happy if I got away from here.  I feel like I would be better off somewhere away from all the memories." Lara explained.

"You can’t escape the memories Lara.  When you leave they are going to go with you." Jenkins said.

"I know.  Believe me I know.  Its just that it’s too hard seeing the places we used to go together every day. It’s too hard living in that apartment, sleeping in that bed, even walking through the hallways of that school even though I’d only done it with her a few times."  Lara stopped there, uncried tears threatening to fall.

"I understand what you are saying." Jenkins said.  "I don’t disagree with you for wanting to leave, I just want to make sure you aren’t doing it for the wrong reasons.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to go somewhere and start out fresh.  Less ghosts that way.  As long as you understand you can’t just run away and escape it."

"I understand that.  I don’t even want to escape it." Lara explained.  "The memories I have of being with Kate are the happiest memories I have, and I wouldn’t let them go for anything.  It is just so hard to be in that same apartment with her gone or anywhere else we used to go together.  I want my memories.  I just don’t want to feel as if I am still living inside them.  Do you understand what I’m getting at?"

"Yes, I think I do."  Her mentor replied.  "And I don’t see anything wrong with it.  A new start might be exactly what you need.  Have you given any thought to what you want to do?  Perhaps more fieldwork?"

"No, I don’t think I want to go back out into the field just yet, but I don’t know what I want to do either."  Lara said.  "I know this is going to sound insane considering what I have said in the past, but I actually like teaching."

Jenkins looked at his young friend with a knowing smile.  "I wouldn’t have suggested it for you if I didn’t think there was a chance you would enjoy it." he told the young professor.  "So what about a job at another school?  One out of state perhaps?"

Lara considered this.  "Yeah, that may be what I need.  I think I would like to continue teaching, and I like the sound of leaving state as well.  Have you heard anything about any openings?"

"Let me think" Jenkins said.  "I could call a few colleges who may know.  I have many connections you know.  Being old does that to you" he said with a laugh.

Lara laughed in response, "So your secret is age huh?"

"Yeah, that’s all there is to it.  Purely age.  Ability has nothing to do with anything." Jenkins said with a smile.  "Sit here and have some more coffee, I want to make a few calls and see if I can get the ball rolling.  September isn’t that far away and you would need time to get settled."

Jenkins walked out of the room to make his phone calls while Lara stayed in his living room waiting for his return.  She picked up a newspaper off the coffee table and began flipping through it.  It was predominately composed of articles about the local high schools and community events.  Lara started looking through the announcement section and stopped dead at what she saw there.

********
 

Kate placed the phone back on the receiver.  The young woman hoped it would be the last phone call she would have to make.  She heard a knock at the front door and sprinted off to answer it.  Opening the door, she found a UPS worker with yet another package addressed to her and James.  She had been receiving wedding gifts from friends and family unable to attend the ceremony all week.  She signed for the package and then took it up to the spare bedroom to be placed with all the other gifts they had accumulated.

Kate heard her mother call out her name from downstairs and headed back down.  She went into the kitchen and found her mother standing by the counter holding a newspaper in her hand.  "What do you need mother?" Kate asked.

"I just wanted to show you what was in today’s paper is all dear." Her mother responded,

                                                               *********

Lara sat the paper down on the table.  She knew this day was coming, but she didn’t expect it quite so soon.  The professor had hoped she would be gone before the day came, but it was there in black and white that the other half of her soul was to wed that upcoming Sunday.  She wasn’t sure what to do with the information.  She knew she should just forget about it.  It didn’t change anything.  Lara had known who James was from the start and knew when Kate left her that it would mean the two would get married, but the news still hurt her more than she was expecting.

The professor closed her eyes and laid her head back onto the couch, unsure of what to think and knowing there was nothing she could do.  All she knew is that she needed to leave as soon as possible.  It didn’t even matter if she had anything lined up now, as long as she got away from there.  She felt like she no longer belonged in that place at all.  She decided she would see what Jenkins came up with and move somewhere that held a job opportunity, even if it wasn’t a certainty that she would get it.  She could always find a job somewhere, even if it was well below her qualifications.  She could even go back to school herself if nothing else.  There had been other things she would have liked to pursue also.  The professor was determined to leave that place and never return, no matter what the cost.  It was time to move on.

Jenkins came back into the living room shortly after.  He told Lara that he had heard that a few universities in Boston might be interested in hiring another professor because of a recent rise in the enrollment of anthropology majors.  Lara thanked him for all he had done for her and told him that she was going to head to Boston and see what she could find there for herself.  Her mentor told her to stop by before she left to say goodbye.  With that Lara called for a taxi and said her goodbye to her mentor.

The professor arrived back at her apartment.  She grabbed some soda from the refrigerator and went straight into her office.  Sitting down at the computer, she signed online and searched for web pages of Boston newspapers.  She immediately hit the rental ads and printed out possible apartments so she would have something to work with when she got there.  She knew she had enough money to live in a hotel for awhile.  Tomorrow she would buy a car and start packing.  She had everything planned.  The professor would be gone by Monday.
 
 
 

Chapter 17
 

Kate woke up to the sound of her alarm.  It was seven o'clock, Friday morning.  The young woman had never been fond of waking up this early, but she still had a lot to do before Sunday and time was running out.  She hadn’t slept much as usual.  Strange dreams kept awakening her from sleep.  She couldn’t remember what they were about now.  She was hoping that if she could perhaps they would stop.  The blonde-haired woman was becoming increasingly drained from her lack of sleep.

Kate dragged herself from her bed and to the shower.  Once clean, she went back to her room, feeling slightly more alive, but not much.  She was too tired.  She wished the wedding wasn’t so soon.  "I need more time."  She said aloud to herself as she stared into her open closet.  She thought about what she said, and realized that she wasn’t sure why she needed more time. She tried to dismiss the entire thing as simply pre-wedding jitters, but in the back of her mind she knew it was more than that.

Breakfast proved to be in the same tradition as it normally was.  Kate and her mother had coffee and pastries at the kitchen table together.  The elder woman read the paper and made small talk with her daughter, going over the plans for the day.  Mrs. Wilson was surprised when she looked up halfway through their meal to find her daughter also reading the paper again this morning.  The mother thought about it for a moment, curious as to why her daughter had started reading the news after many years of saying she didn’t like to.

Mrs. Wilson had noticed many changes in her daughter since she had come back home after her fieldwork and few months of living on her own.  She knew her daughter did not sleep well, and her eating habits, while not too bad were considerable less than they had been in the past.  Her daughter was generally depressed, the older woman knew it, and she knew why.  She pretended to be absorbed in her newspaper, but her mind was wandering over everything that had occurred four months prior.  It was an attempt to figure out how to deal with her daughter’s emotional state.

Mrs. Wilson had waited two days after he daughter’s disappearance in hopes that the young woman would see the error of her ways and return home, but she did not.  Ron had also been out looking for his sister and had turned up nothing much to the older woman’s dismay.  Realizing there was nothing more they could do on their own, the decision was made to hire a private investigator to track the young woman down.

By the time the investigator knew anything about Kate’s whereabouts, she had already left for Tanzania.  Her return date was unknown, but they knew it would be in November or December.  With this information known, Mrs. Wilson arranged that the investigator track down her daughter once she returned to the country.  It was pointless to try to seek her out before then.

The Wilson family received a phone call in the beginning of December informing them that Kate had been seen in the country, but her residence still hadn’t been determined.  It was obvious to the investigator that she hadn’t changed her driver's license, her mailing address, or anything else to her new address.  The investigator believed that the young woman was living in an illegal apartment, which was making it more difficult to locate her.

They had a general idea of where she was residing but in order to have a chance to bring her home they couldn’t just wait around places she had been seen to try to talk to her.  Mrs. Wilson told the investigator that she would up his fee if he found a way to find where the young woman was living, by any means necessary.  After some time of staking out local shopping centers, the investigator managed to spot the green-eyed woman and follow her back to what he believed to be her apartment.

The investigator spent the next few weeks watching the young woman, gaining as much information about her life for her family as possible.  Mrs. Wilson wanted to know as much as she could before approaching her estranged daughter.  After she was assaulted at the shopping center, he managed to not lose track of her for very long. When he relocated her he found out she was staying with a college professor who was apparently a friend of hers.

All this information was reported back to the Wilson family, who then asked for an investigation into the professor’s background so they could know whom the young woman, was staying with.  The Wilsons soon knew the sordid details of Lara McKenry's past, everything from the death of her family to her battle with alcoholism.  Her sexual orientation was also uncovered, which was the breaking point for the older woman.

Ron convinced his mother not to approach his sister until she was back living in her own place.  They had found out from her landlord that the young woman did indeed intend to continue living in her old apartment, so the decision to wait seemed the most reasonable.  In the meantime, they would figure out how exactly they intended to get the young woman to give up her new life and come home.

By the time, the investigator informed them the young woman was definitely back in her old apartment the plan the family agreed on was almost in place.  Ron would be leaving soon to make it appear that Mrs. Wilson was now on her own.  All the money they had was hidden in out of country bank accounts in case Kate questioned the story that her mother was in financial trouble.  James had agreed to follow along with the story if it meant getting his estranged fiancée back.  Once everything was in motion, the older woman paid a visit to her daughter on that fateful January night.

Looking back, Mrs. Wilson realized that it was very fortunate for professor McKenry that her daughter made the decision to leave her lover and marry James.  Had her daughter decided to stay with the professor, Mrs. Wilson would have seen to it that the professor would pay for her daughter’s mistake, by any means necessary.  The older woman folded up the section of the newspaper she had been looking at and sat it down to the side before finishing her last sip of coffee.  She looked over at her daughter and was very happy that things turned out the way they did.  Getting rid of the professor would have cost her a lot more money than she originally planned.  It was no matter though; she could have afforded it anyway.

"Soon enough", she thought as she got up and placed her cup in the sink.  Soon enough it would be safe for Ron to come back home and for the older woman to begin appearing to have money again.  She would just say it was from gains in the stock market or some other business investment her and James thought up.  Keeping Kate and James in the house would explain why there was more money circulating, as would Ron’s return.  The older woman was very pleased with her planning, everything was working out perfectly, and Kate would never know a thing.

                                                                     *********

Lara awoke to sunlight streaming through her curtains and hitting her face.  She had slept longer than she had wanted to, but her body was still healing from the accident.  She had slept better than she had in awhile, despite the bad news she had received of the wedding.  Having some sort of direction seemed to be making all the difference.  It gave her more hope than she had, and at least something to look forward to.

Her head felt a lot better than it had the previous day, only slightly aching by this point.  The professor got out of bed and headed to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, knowing her body needed food more than anything else.  She would need her energy to go buy a car and begin packing.  She was hoping she could get the car bought and registered before the Department of Motor Vehicles closed, but she wasn’t sure if she would have to wait until Monday morning to register the car.  She had her choices down to two now, and whomever she found first to sell one to her would get her money.

She looked around her apartment and decided to only take her most essential belongings with her and just leave the rest behind.  The landlord and the next tenant could take their pick of what they wanted.  There was a lot to be done in only a little time.  The professor decided to waste none of the precious commodity and set out to get herself a car.

                                                                     *********

Kate walked into her room and turned the light on.  It had been a very long day.  The young woman pulled the sweater off her body and discarded it on a chair.  It was getting near summer but the nights were still chilly.  At least the young woman used that reasoning, although the sweater didn't seem to give her any additional warmth.  No matter what Kate did it always seemed to be cold.

Kate sat down on her bed and sighed.  She had gotten a lot done during the course of the day.  The last touches on her wedding dress were finished, and most of the wedding plans were finalized.  The next day was the rehearsal dinner, and in less than forty-eight hours, she would be married.  Kate’s mind was reeling over the idea of spending the rest of her life with James.  Although she thought it was for the best, she couldn’t help wishing that things were somehow different.  "I could never be what they wanted me to." Kate said honestly.  "You can’t be what everyone else wants you to be, you need to be who you want to be, and follow your own heart, otherwise you will never be truly happy."  The professor responded.

A knock at her bedroom door brought the young woman out of her memories.  She stood up and walked across the room opening the door to find her best friend Emma at the other side.

"Mind if I come in?" Emma inquired.

"No not at all," Kate responded, "it’s nice to see you actually, it's been a couple weeks.  So what have you been up to?"

"Oh this and that."  Emma responded.  "Life has been a little hectic lately.  I wanted to come by and see how things are going with you.  So how is everything?"

"Everything’s going alright I suppose."  Kate answered.  "The wedding preparations are all on schedule and everything seems to be going off without a hitch."

Emma sat down on her friend’s bed and took a long hard look at her.  Kate smiled at the other woman, but Emma could see that things didn’t seem to be as good as her long time friend wanted everyone to believe they were.  Emma had stayed away, not knowing what to say to the other woman.  She felt in her heart Kate was making a mistake, but she didn’t know how to get through to the young woman.  Deciding that this was her last chance to either speak her mind or hold her peace, Emma decided to give voice to the concerns she had.

"Listen Kate, I don’t really what to upset you, you know I love you right?"  When Kate nodded her assent, Emma continued.  "I’m just not so sure I understand all of this.  I mean you leave because they will not let you be yourself, you find someone who makes you happy, and then you give it all up to come back to this.  I feel like I am missing something here.  Do you know what I am saying?"  Emma finished, not knowing what else to say.

"Yeah I guess I get what you’re saying." Kate responded.  "I know this has all happened really quickly.  I just felt this was what I needed to do, you know?"

Emma wasn’t sure what to say.  She knew deep down inside her friend was about to make a big mistake but had no idea how to talk to her.  Feeling like the only thing that she could do was support her friend she said, "If you are sure this is what you want then I will stand behind you.  I just hope you are sure.  Now I guess I should be going, it’s getting late, and I will see you at the rehearsal dinner tomorrow anyway.  Have a good night."

Emma got up and walked to the door with Kate following behind.  The green-eyed woman walked her friend out to her car where they said their goodnights again.  Kate watched her childhood friend pull out of her yard, and then she was alone.  She looked up to the night sky and gazed at the stars for a few minutes, Emma’s words ringing in her head.  Part of her wished she had voiced her concerns to her friend, but Kate thought it best not to.  No one else could understand why she was doing this.  She felt like her reasons were right in her head, and that was all that mattered.  No one else could ever understand how it felt to be in her mind.

                                                                            *********

Lara walked into her apartment and tossed her keys on the table.  She went to the refrigerator, retrieved a can of coke, and sat down on the couch.  She had gotten a lot accomplished during the day, despite her late start.  She had purchased a car quickly and even had the insurance put on it before she left the previous owner's house.  She took a cab, picked up her insurance card, ran straight over to the Department of Motor Vehicles, and had the car registered.  By five o'clock, she was behind the wheel of her own car.  She then went and paid Professor Jenkins a visit to pick up some job information he had gotten her and to say her good-byes.  Her last stop before returning home had been to the shopping center to pick up some meager groceries and then to stop off behind the store and pick up some discarded boxes she could use for packing.  Deciding she had gotten more than enough done for one day she left the boxes in her car and headed up to her apartment.

Everything was going according to her plan.  She would pack her belongings on Saturday and Sunday and pack her car Sunday night.  Then she could get a good night’s rest Sunday night and be on the road early Monday.  Lara felt good about her progress and decided to just relax the rest of the evening, grabbing a bite to eat and watching some TV before going to sleep.
 
 

Chapter 18

Lara awoke early in the morning.  She got out of bed, went into the living room, and turned on the TV.  It wasn’t even eight am yet, so she didn’t feel like it was necessary to rush.   There would be a lot of work to do in the coming hours, so she may as well relax and have a decent breakfast before getting down to business.

After she had eaten and dressed, the professor went out to her car and brought in the boxes she had gotten the night before.  It was ten o’clock now and the professor knew it was time to get to work.  She taped the boxes together to make sure they would hold and began the process of deciding what she would take and what would be left behind.

                                                            *********

Kate woke up from a restless sleep.  The young woman had been tossing and turning all night.  Every day she seemed to be sleeping less and less.  Strange dreams haunted her, but she could never remember them in the morning.  Kate stumbled tiredly, but made it to the bathroom.  She looked in the mirror and hardly recognized the worn out figure that gazed back at her.  Not knowing what else could be done, she stepped into the shower, cleaned herself, and then applied a generous helping of makeup to try to hide how bad she was.  There was no time to be concerned about her state of appearance there was only twenty-four hours until the wedding.

Kate looked at herself in the mirror again.  Satisfied that she looked almost normal she walked out of the bathroom and back to her room to get dressed.  The wedding rehearsal was only a few short hours away.  The young woman tried to clear her mind of all the chaotic thoughts that had been swarming through it since her talk with Emma.  She hoped that her friend would not attempt to press the issue again that evening at the rehearsal.  Kate told herself repeatedly that she knew she was doing the right thing and she didn’t have to justify herself to anyone.

The rest of the morning progressed slowly.  Kate ate breakfast alone and then discussed the plans for the day with her mother.  The young woman decided to spend some time alone during the day despite her mother’s protests.  She told her mother she wanted to spend some time with herself during her last day of single life and said she would take her own car to the wedding rehearsal later.

The young woman ended up in the Town Park.  It was a warm May afternoon.  The park was bustling with people who were out enjoying the signs that summer was right around the corner.  Kate walked along the lake in the center of the park trying to enjoy the sunshine and the sight of happy children playing, but the darkness inside her mind would not allow it.  She wasn’t sure what she was doing out there.  She was hoping that getting out of the house and away from the stress of the wedding plans would give her a little peace of mind, but deep down inside she knew it wasn’t to be.  The more time that passed, the more confused Kate Wilson had become about herself and what she was doing.  Months earlier it had seemed so clear that this was simply the way it needed to be, and it was what would be best for everyone.  She even felt it would be best for the lover she left behind, figuring the professor was destined for greater things then a grad student that was running from her family.

Now Kate wasn’t so sure.  The young woman could almost laugh about it.  It seemed almost comical to her that now that everything was long done she would become unsure of that decision.  She told herself that it didn’t really matter anyway.  The decision had been made and she had started on this road and now there was no way out of it.  She wasn’t even sure if she truly wanted out or if the idea of getting married was simply making her nervous.  Either way, it was too late as far as Kate was concerned.  What was done, was done, and she would make the best of the situation.

Kate looked at her watch.  It was getting near time for the rehearsal so she decided she had best return to her car and stop off at the house to change her clothes before going.  Once that was done, she got back in her car and headed to the rehearsal, relieved to find that her mother had already left before she arrived home.  She wasn’t up to another confrontation like the one they had earlier, even if it was mild.

                                                                *********
 

Lara had gotten a lot accomplished, she noted as she surveyed the area around her.  Most of her belongings had been sorted, and she had packed her clothes, only leaving out what she would wear for the next few days.  Her office had been packed as well.  Tomorrow she would only have to pack the personal belongings she wanted to take with her and then put everything in the car.  The professor was a little tired from all the work and was grateful she was more than halfway finished.  Deciding that she had gotten more than enough accomplished she decided she would have dinner and a restful evening before continuing with her work in the morning.

After dinner the blue eyed woman headed outside to her car, deciding she would drive around for a bit and go to some of the local places she always liked to visit.  She knew that in only thirty-six hours she would no longer have the opportunity.  It wasn’t sunset yet so she decided to head out to the Veterans Memorial an hour away.  It was the highest point in the area.  Lara had always liked to go there and look out over the area that had been her home for so many years.

Lara pulled her car into the parking lot of the Memorial and stepped out.  She walked up the steep walkway that led to the monument itself.  The pathway itself held items left in honor of those who had fallen in war.  Those who came there to remember fallen family or friends had left wreaths, flowers, and letters.  It was only a few days before Memorial Day.  Lara reached the monument and walked around it in quiet contemplation, sending a prayer to the fallen soldiers.  Then she walked to the edge of the small area and looked out over the tops of trees.  She was sure she could make out the beginning of the ocean off in the distance, but she wasn’t positive.  Everything looked different from above.  The trash and cars that cluttered the world from below meant nothing in this place.  Instead, when she looked out over the area she had just driven through she saw bright greens and blues and no sign of the world below that she at times despised.

Instead of looking at the ugly or pretty pieces of every day life, the professor looked out over the whole of the area she had known, and in her mind, looked over the whole of her life.  She realized that her life was nowhere near as dark as she sometimes thought.  It was like the view before her if she looked at it in its entirety.  The good and the bad blended to make a picture of a life that was worthwhile.  Even the darkest parts had brought forth some of the brightest.  The professor looked out to the edge of the horizon.  She couldn’t make out what else was left out there.  She could not see past the blue expanse.  She realized that was the future.  It was the part of her life that still remained to be shown.  She could make of it whatever she wanted, and if she tried her best it could look just as good as the rest of the view and perhaps even better.

With this knowledge, Lara resolved to try to make the most of her life.  She still felt she could never love again, that this was the last time, but the notion that there were still other things to be done was even more firmly implanted in her mind.  The depression that had been in her mind no matter how much she tried to deny it’s existence began to recede and for the first time in a long time the professor felt totally free and at peace with herself.  She could not change the past, nor did she want to.  She was truly happy with the person she had become and knew that there was still plenty of great things to be had in this life.  Feeling renewed, the professor turned from the view, making a resolution to return someday down the line no matter where life took her.  With that she started down the path to her car and her life, more ready to face it then ever, knowing that there was at least one thing about living in that area that she would miss.

                                                                 *********
 

The rehearsal had gone well, and now Kate was seated at dinner with numerous close friends and family.  The young woman ate in silence with James to one side and Emma seated at the other.  Across from her sat her mother, who was as usual, dominating the conversation around her.  The elder woman bragged about her arrangements for the wedding with the various guests.  Kate felt extremely uncomfortable in the situation.  She turned her head and caught James’ father giving her a strange look.  The man turned his head when he realized he had been caught and tried to make it seem he was engaged in conversation with his wife.  Kate decided to try to ignore the look, but she was left feeling even uneasier.

Ten more minutes passed and the young woman’s discomfort reached an extreme level.  She got up from the table, excusing herself quickly and made her way out the door.  A few guests were congregated outside smoking.  One of the young woman’s uncles walked up to her and enquired as to why she was outside.

"Well," Kate explained, "I came out for a smoke but seem to have forgotten my cigarettes."

"Here, take one of mine" the uncle said, handing her a Marlboro from his pack.  "I don’t ever recall you smoking Katie."  The uncle then said.

"Well, I don’t want my mother to know, she has always been dead set against me smoking."  Kate responded.

The uncle just smiled a knowing smile and offered the young woman a light.  She inhaled the cigarette and tried hard not to choke.  She hadn’t smoked a cigarette since High School, but managed to refrain from coughing.  The guests who were outside finished their cigarettes and headed back in leaving Kate by herself.  Instead of discarding the cigarette, she continued to smoke it while staring at the night sky.

"Since when do you smoke?" Emma’s voice rang out from behind, causing the young woman to jump slightly.

"Since now I guess." Kate responded.  "I needed some air and this seemed as good of an excuse as any."

"I came out to see if you were alright.  You left rather abruptly."  Emma said.

"I’m alright, I just needed to get some air, I’m not feeling so well." Kate offered.

"It could be that cigarette you’re smoking."  Emma said with a smile as she lit her own and took a drag.

"No, it was just a little stuffy inside is all." Kate said.  "Listen, I’m really not feeling so hot, I think I am just going to head home.  Could you make some excuse up for me so I don’t have to go back in there?"

"Yeah sure.  What are friends for?" Emma responded.

Kate said thank you and hugged her friend before retreating to her car.  Emma watch her friend walk away, taking a last drag off the cigarette before discarding it and getting into her car.  Kate watch the green eyed woman pull away as she finished her own cigarette and turned back to the door, shaking her head as she pulled it open.

                                                            *********

Kate pulled her car into a Mobil station and gave the man behind the counter ten dollars for gas.  She started walking away before turning around, asking for a pack of Marlboro, and handing the man another three dollars.  She put gas in her car and got back into the driver's seat, packing the cigarettes like she was accustomed to seeing Emma do.  She pulled one out of the pack and lit it before pulling out of the station and back onto the road.

                                                              *********

Lara sat on the couch watching television.  She had just finished eating and now reached over and grabbed a pack of cigarettes off the table, taking one cigarette out she lit it.  She took a few drags and then walked over to the window, pulling it open so the apartment wouldn’t be filled with smoke.  The cool night air felt good on her skin so she stood there looking out into the darkness for a few minutes.

                                                              *********
 

Kate slowed the car as she drove down a street she knew very well.  She watched as Lara’s apartment building came into view.  She wasn’t sure what she was doing there, only knowing she felt like she needed to be.  She pulled her car up to the sidewalk on the opposite end of the street and looked up to the woman's window in time to see a dark-haired figure turn from it and retreat back into the apartment.

She sat for a moment looking over her ex-fiancée's building.  She still didn’t know what had brought her there.  Part of her wanted to run into the building and go see the professor although she was sure it wouldn’t change anything.  She was doing what she needed to do, and she was sure Lara had moved on and would want nothing to do with her.  Still she wanted nothing more than to go talk to the older woman, to tell her everything and see what she would say.  Instead Kate lit another cigarette and pulled the car back onto the road.  She knew she needed to go home and rest. She was getting married in the morning.
 
 
 
 

Chapter 19
 

It was Sunday afternoon and Lara was pleased to find she had all her packing done.  The professor had been working as fast as she could, barely giving herself a chance to breathe.  She told herself it was because she needed to get everything done, but she knew in her heart that it was because she didn’t want to think about what this day meant.  She kept pushing the thought of Kate being married out of her mind, but the second she slowed, it was all she could think of.

Part of her wanted to run to the church and try to stop the wedding.  She could almost see herself barging in and professing her love for the young woman in front of everyone.  Something inside of her didn’t want to go down without a fight.  She wanted one more attempt to fight for the love of the woman that meant so much to her.  The professor restrained herself though.  She remembered the words of the serenity prayer she had learned in AA and remembered that she needed to accept the things she could not change.  The matter wasn’t in her hands; it was in Kate’s, and in the gods.  As much as she wished that the younger woman would come back to her, she knew if she did, it had to be on her own.  Lara hoped that it would happen that way, but she wouldn’t count on it.  She tried not to even dare hope it, but she couldn’t help it.  The professor would not give up that last bit of hope that she would be reunited with her true love.

For now though, Lara would do what she had been doing.  She would continue with her life and try to make the most of it.  With or without Kate by her side, there were still things to be done.  The professor intended to see her plans through and see what other things the world held for her.  The next day she would be in Boston beginning a new phase of her life.  She was for the most part happy, but somewhere inside she couldn’t help but feel the sorrow of beginning this new venture without Kate by her side.

                                                                  *********

"Do you, Kate Wilson, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and obey in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

Kate closed her eyes and swallowed.  This was it.  She was two small words away from changing her entire life and committing herself completely.  Time seemed to stop for the young woman.  She knew this was the end. "Kate Wilson, will you be my wife?"  The words of five months prior haunted her.  She closed her eyes tight trying to force the tears not to fall.  It was too late.  There was no other way but this.

"I do."

                                                                  *********

Lara sat looking at the stack of boxes that stood near her door.  All that was left to do was pack the car and she was set.  She figured it would only take her maybe five hours to reach Boston.  Then she would find a place to stay while she sought out a more permanent residence.  She had all the information she would need to search for an apartment and to search for a job in the glove box in her car.

All that was left was the matter of the boxes, and there was still plenty of day left, and not much to pack.  She decided she would wait until morning to pack her computer and other valuables just in case and just brought her clothes and other inexpensive items down to the car and put them in the trunk.  The last of her belongings would go in the back seat in the morning and she would be ready to go.

With nothing else to do, Lara decided to go for a drive.  It was near dinnertime, so she stopped off at a diner and ate a quick meal.  When she walked out of the diner, she noticed the sky was becoming overcast.  Somehow, the professor saw it fitting that it would rain on this day, when so many things were ending.  To Lara, it was like her whole life was ending, and in the morning, a whole new life would begin.  A new life that she would begin alone.
T
he professor sat in her car in the parking lot for a few minutes, smoking a cigarette and listening to the radio.  She realized she was not far from where the wedding reception was being held for the newly married blonde that held the professor’s heart.  Knowing Kate was so close by; Lara couldn’t help but pull her car out of the parking lot and drive to the banquet hall that was holding the reception.

The professor pulled her car along the sidewalk in front of the building.  She wasn’t sure why she had come, but somehow she felt she needed to see the younger woman one last time before leaving.  It was a way for her to say good bye.  Lara knew she needed to say those words although she dreaded them.  Maybe if she said it she would begin to let go.  Or, maybe it wouldn’t change anything.  It seemed crazy to the professor.  She lit a cigarette and laughed at herself for even going there.  Still, she couldn’t shake the desire to see her love one last time, even if it was from a distance.  Knowing it was probably a mistake; the blue eyed woman stepped from her car.

Lara walked up the walkway to the front of the building and then began walking along the side toward the large window that showed the main room.  The room was crowded with people dancing and having fun.  The professor saw all kinds of people inside enjoying the festivities.  Children were running around while adults were dancing, talking, and drinking.  She stepped back from the window and into the shadows so she wouldn’t be seen and watched for another moment.  Feeling like a stalker, she was about to turn away when her eyes found the one that they sought.  Kate.

The people in the room cleared some space to let the bride and groom through onto the dance floor.  Lara stepped closer to the window, unable to take her eyes off the younger woman.  The groom took his wife in his arms and they began to dance.  Thunder roared up above as Lara took another step up to the window.

"every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul"
 

Lara watched the couple dance.  In her mind, it was her arms that held the younger woman, moments after her marriage proposal was accepted.

 "I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire

The rain began to pour down as Lara pressed herself against the window staring at her beloved.  She couldn’t tear herself away.

"the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do"

Kate looked out towards the window and found herself drowning in a sea of blue.

"the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do"

Lara looked straight into the eyes of the woman she loved.  It was as if the whole world dropped away, and it was only them.

"deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you"

The tears streamed down Lara’s face as the rain fell in sheets.  It was as if the gods themselves were crying with her.  Her whole body was shaking.  She closed her eyes and let her head fall against the glass, letting the memories flood through her mind.

"I know I can't be with you"

Kate tried to stop the tears from falling, but could not.  She wrapped her arms tighter around her dance partner, but in her mind, it was a blue eyed professor who held her close.

"I do what I have to do"

The song ended and the dancing ceased.

"I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do"

Lara and Kate looked into each other's eyes.  The professor took a step back from the window as Kate closed her eyes tightly trying in vain to stop the tears.

"and I have sense to recognize but"

In that moment Kate realized she had made the biggest mistake of her life.  Lara reached out to the window, sliding her hand across the glass, and then turned and walked away, disappearing into the pouring rain, never saying the words "good bye."

"I don't know how to let you go"
 
 
 
 

Chapter 20- Epilogue
 

Lara placed the last of her belongings into the back seat of her car.  She had left the keys to the apartment sitting on the kitchen table and called to inform the landlord she was leaving.  Everything was taken care of.  She was about to get into her car when she heard a voice call out her name.

The professor turned around to find Emma standing before her.  "I heard a rumor you were leaving town, I wanted to see if it was true," the woman said.

"Yeah, I was just about to head out actually." Lara explained.  "It’s nice to see you though, how’ve you been?"

"I’ve been alright." Emma said.  "I’m sorry I didn’t come by sooner, I just didn’t know what to say.  We had become friends I though.  I never should have just ignored that.  I’m sorry."

"It’s alright." Lara said.  "It was a difficult situation."

"Yes it is."  Emma said.  "Although somehow I think the one it is most difficult for isn't in the present company."

"You may be right about that." Lara admitted.

"So where are you off to?" Emma asked.

"I’m gonna see if I can get some work up in Boston." Lara answered.

"Sounds good," Emma responded.  "I wish you the best of luck.  Take care of yourself."

"I will." Lara assured her.

"Well, I better not keep you.  Listen, you know my phone number, drop me a line every once in awhile so I know you are all right.  I do consider you a friend even if I haven’t been much of one."  Emma said.

"I will."  Lara assured her, as she got into her car.

"Have a safe trip." Emma said as Lara started her car.  "Wait, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go ahead." Lara answered.

"Do you still love her?"  Emma asked.

"With all my heart." Lara answered honestly as she put her sunglasses on.

"Maybe one day things will be the way they should be." Emma said.

"Maybe."  Lara responded as she put the car into gear.  The two said a last goodbye with Lara promising to call when she got settled and Emma watched as the professor drove away headed for whatever the future had in store for her.

"There’s always a chance."  Emma said to herself as she walked away.

"will we burn in heaven
like we do down here
will the change come while we're waiting
everyone is waiting"

The End…or the beginning.