Last week -  How come everything listed in this 
part of the column has to have happened to me?  
How about this.  You fill in what happened to 
you last week.

So here I am in the Chronicle office for another 
late night.  Granted, it's not the usual late night 
that I'm in here, but it still looks the same when 
you're tired.  Anyway, I'm not here to talk about 
sleep deprivation.  I'm here to talk about pathetic 
hick sports.  And believe me, I know pathetic sports.  
I used to play Danball.

What I'm really talking about is sports that aren't 
really sports.  With sports, some kind of skill is 
required.  You know, like being able to hit a ball 
or shoot a puck.  Something along those lines.  For 
these ‘sports', the only thing you need is a lot of 
hype, and a lot of drooling, drunken fans.

Of course, I talk of NASCAR and professional wrestling.

I used to think that, of all the places where I 
could hide from that crap, it was this office.  I 
couldn't have been more wrong.  What is up with NASCAR 
picks?  When did the collective IQ of the office staff 
drop to such a low level?  Now, there is no where to 
run.  They know where I am.

I know this is going to get me into a lot of trouble, 
but there is no skill required in NASCAR past being 
able to drive really fast without having a nervous 
breakdown.  It's not even road racing.  If they were 
careening down the interstate doing 300 mph, then I 
could see a potential for a sport.  But there guys 
are so cheesed out that they have to go around the 
same oval for 500 miles.  It's not even that either.  
They all try to stay in the same spot on the oval 
every time they go around.  I admit, it must be kind 
of hard to pass some cars on that, but come on.  It's 
like passing someone on the highway.  There's no skill 
in that.

In order for it to be a sport, I suggest some 
fundamental changes.

- Have obstacles jump up out of the track.  Like a 
buffalo or a brick wall.  Then you'd need skill to 
avoid that stuff.  That'd be exciting.

- After 40th lap, cars get flooded with nitrous oxide.  
You ever try driving on that stuff?

- Remember ‘Spy Hunter?'  ‘Nuff said.

- Pole position determined by number of sponsor stickers 
on your car.

- Instead of cars, strap on some roller skates and a 
small rocket.  NASCAR racing, Wile E. Coyote style.

- Two words - thermonuclear weapons.

- The racer finishing last gets publicly executed.  I 
guess we won't see races on Sunday afternoon anymore.  
We're talking prime time pay-per-view!

The other one I've got a bone to pick with is 
professional wrestling.  A whole bunch of drug abusing 
actors that bash each other with chairs.  Yeah, that's 
a lot of skill.  I could do that.  It really would be 
so bad except for two things.  Rabid fans, and the 
constant interruption of any match that ever takes place.  
I see the fans of this sport every time I go to work.  
There not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer.  
All that they do is talk about this crap too.  It's all 
crazy.  And all I ever see them wearing is the T-shirts, 
the hats, and whatever else they can get.  It's sick.  
The matches - don't even think that one is going to end 
without 50 other wrestlers out there ‘trying' to ‘beat' 
each other.  Come on, if you're going to do it, at least 
pretend that it's real.

How can we fix this?  It's really easy.

- Start handing out chairs and crowbars to the fans 
and let them get in the ring.  Doubt it'll be very 
fake after that.

- Two words - carpet bombing.

- Turnbuckles?  Nah, rabid wolves instead.

- Forget the steroids.  Make them all take LSD.  That 
would be a match I'd buy on pay-per-view.

- Bring back the midgets.

- New WWF commissioner - Gallagher.  Sledge-o-matic in 
full effect.

- Loser gets thrown in the ring with Mike Tyson.

- Give me a shotgun.  Put me in the ring.  I always 
liked those shiny belts.

In conclusion, I think these two ‘sports' could use a 
lot of things that everyday life could use as well.  
Lots of guns, bombs, and public executions.  The world 
would be a happier place.