What's up, kids?  Long time no see, for most of you 
at least.  For those of you who weren't here last 
semester, this is a big old hello and an apology.  
I was here last semester, but due to circumstances 
beyond my control, I'm no longer in attendance at 
SUNY Cortland.  If you're really interested in why 
that is (although I'm pretty convinced that you're 
not), you can stop by the paper office and read my 
last column.  The apology, you ask?

Well, it's because you missed out on my usual 
complaining for so long.  Sorry kids.  Had some 
problems getting columns in, so I kind of got 
cancelled.  Oops.  But I have a perfectly reasonable 
explanation for all of this.  Nothing goes like it's 
planned, right?

The Tim VanDeWal Recap (for those of you who forgot 
or missed out) - I'm chilling in Cortland, I get 
turned down for three loans.  I stop attending classes 
because, hey, if you could wouldn't you do it too?  
I win the Dragon Chronicle football pool because all 
I did was sit on my couch, chain smoke,and watch 
SportsCenter.  So, my parents disown me, my girlfriend 
hates me, and I'm exiled to Holland, Michigan.  Snowy, 
cold, but very, very inexpensive.

What Everyone Has Missed - Well, not everyone…

Surprise! I'm not in Michigan.  I'm like an hour away.  
The old possessive girlfriend and I had it out a week I 
left Cortland.  Messy.  Still cleaning up, it's so 
messy.  Michigan turns out to me the snow capitol of 
the universe.  Two inches every 8 hours.  It sounds 
more like a prescription than a weather forecast.  And 
because I was the one that wasn't working, my brother 
had me shoveling the driveway.  My arms still hurt.
The job market in Michigan was… um… bad.  After 
looking for a job for 6 weeks, I got one interview.  
It was so bad, even like McDonalds wasn't hiring.
So what is a recovering college student to do?  Sit 
and watch Jerry Springer every chance I got, watched 
the electricity meter spin, and hang out at the college 
there.. The had a cool library.  However, that's about 
all I can say about Michigan.  Yeah, it was okay, I 
guess.

Oh yeah, my brother got into a car accident when I was 
out there.  Got hit by a semi and totally destroyed the 
car.  It was actually kind of funny.  So they got a new 
car, and wouldn't let me drive.  For some reason, they 
blame theaccident on me.  I wasn't even in the car, I 
was watching Jerry Springer.  AndI almost caught the 
apartment on fire with a drill.  What can I say, I got 
bored.

So, after six weeks in exile in the frozen hell-land, 
I move back to New York.  Moved in with a wonderful 
chica that I met at Cortland my first semester, named 
Amy.  Amy and I had gone out while we were both there, 
but she went home after her first semester.  Met up 
with her the last week that I was at Cortland, and 
talked the whole time I was in Michigan.  Finally, I 
decided that Michigan was nothing compared to the 
familiar places of New York - Tops, hills and mountains, 
five cent can deposit, the funky shaped road signs, 55
miles an hour on the highway instead of  70, Wegmans, 
not too bright governors, stuff like that.  So I pack 
up two bags and take a Greyhound to Erie, Pennsylvania.  
Next thing I know, I'm living in Horseheads, New York.  

Good thing for me I moved here.  Now I got a job.  

I carve meat.  I'm not kidding.

Basically I stand next to this counter in this Buffet 
restaurant and cut ham and roast beef for people who 
ask for it.  Oh boy, right?  It's kind of a 
contradiction that they give you knives to do 
this job.  If I was my boss, I wouldn't give me ANYTHING 
sharp.

So I'm still looking for good work.  Anybody know 
of something.  Seriously, I'd sell my soul to be able 
to get a job where I could sit.  That's all I ask.  
Give me a chair, I'll work 12 hours for $.25 an  hour.  
I'll do your homework. 

Hire me, I'm pretty cool, I think.

Anyway, I laugh at all of you at Cortland.  You and 
your little classes and exams and stuff?  Don't you 
realize what they're doing to you?  They're educating 
you!  Don't fall for it.  See, you get educated and 
that means you have to get a job.  And if you get a 
job then you have no excuse for not paying bills.  
And when you can pay bills, people are sure to send 
them to you.  Don't do it!  Stay in school.  It's 
like being back in the womb.  You're safe and warm.  
Stay there.  Trust me.  'Cause it's getting ugly out 
here.