In a bold suspension of first amendment rights,
President Taylor and the JRB sentenced Tim VanDeWal,
writer of the popular column “Don’t Read This,” to
solitary confinment for three weeks. This move was
prompted by last week’s column, in which VanDeWal
defended domestic abuse and religous division.
“We decided to take the matter of this bold violation of morality into our own hands,” said a JRB representative. “We will make VanDeWal a demonstration of our absolute power on this campus, and at the same time, limit the voice of this hate monger.”
Tim VanDeWal was carted off to the sub-basement/dungeon of Corey Union at 3:34 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon. He will spend three weeks in a cell, a tad bit larger than a shoe box, where he will sit and rot in turmoil. Limited rations and a complete lack of nicotine will make him rethink his decision to write such filth in a fine student-run newspaper.
VanDeWal, in an exclusive interview with The Chronic, stated his own point of view on the situation.
“I was asking for this by trying to be funny,” he said over his last decent meal for the next three weeks. “I really shouldn’t try to be funny about the differences between men and women. Who would have thought that, by exaggerating the situation way out of proportion in an attempt to be humorous, that I would be defending domestic abuse. I should be caged up for as long as possible. I’m such a jerk.”
The decision to silence VanDeWal came out of a recent incident on campus. A student who regularly reads “Don’t Read This,” didn’t understand the point of the column and got himself into a situation and was arrested. He stated at the time of his arrest, “The Staff Coolguy made me do it!”
After his release, VanDeWal will be “strongly encouraged” to seek mental help. As part of his sentence, he is required to give speeches around New York State about the evils of humor and freedom of speech. He is forbidden to speak to minors.
“At least, for now, he is quiet,” said President Taylor.